I recently had two very oppositional experiences in the most public of public spaces-our local Aldi, a grocery store so popular it has sparked Facebook groups like “Aldi Lovers” and the like. The contrast between the two experiences really served as a lesson in the broad spectrum of how the human species chooses to express itself. One, an experience of love, gratitude, kindred-ness. Another, an experience of intolerance and bitterness. Both very much revolving around the fact that children exist, they often exist in public, and sometimes in their mess of existing-they make noise or are unaware of their surroundings.
Let’s get the nasty one over with first. I parked next to a Jeep that had no one sitting in it. I have three children, two of which are still small enough to be in car seats. If you are a person who is familiar with car seats, you understand it can take a minute or two to collect the children from them, especially when there is more than one. I go through this everyday monotonous task of unbuckling and picking up and grabbing my bag and keys and phone and of course, the quarter for the cart. I turn around and realize the man whose vehicle I parked next to was now in the vehicle and visibly angry I was in the way of his being able to back out. I feel rushed and embarrassed. I cross the street with my kids and start getting them into the cart and the man backs out, stops, glares at me and says through the open Jeep window the words “got enough kids?” and drives off, no doubt very satisfied with himself. I am left standing in the parking lot, a little bit speechless, very frustrated and on the verge of tears.
I then hear myself thinking things like “three children is not that many children”, “my kids are being well behaved”, “I didn’t even make him wait more than a minute”. I realize these little validations don’t actually matter. I am not personally obligated to “not have that many children”. Even if I was driving a giant passenger van with 10 kids in it-there is no inherent problem. Even if some of them were crying or misbehaving, there is no inherent problem. Even if he had had to wait a few more minutes, there is no inherent problem.
Why? Because children are human beings. Human beings who have the right to exist in every single space their mother or father has the right to exist in. Children-especially small ones-are an extension of their mother. Mothers have obligations and needs and wants. Mothers need to go to the DMV to renew their plates. They need to grocery shop and go the the post office and use the printer at the library. They want to get nice coffees and pastries and go to museums and go thrifting for things to decorate their homes with. When society has a distaste for children in public, it means society has a distaste for mothers.
These attitudes are rooted in anti-natalist “child free” (yes, I understand not all “child free by choice” enthusiasts are anti-natalists) rhetoric, a rhetoric born of immaturity, narcissism and fear. These are qualities that are sort of self-serving in the sense that most women don’t want to be impregnated by a fearful, immature and narcissistic man-and vice versa. Further, by not having children, these same people are sort of cementing themselves firmly in a foundation of immaturity-one that cannot be overcome without understanding the gravity of having another very vulnerable human depend on you for their survival.
When people start speaking on the moral reasons to oppose reproduction, so much of it all comes down to a fear of suffering. There is even a off-shoot of anti-natalism called “efilism”-proponents of which posit the idea that ALL life-human and animal-should cease to exist precisely because there is so much suffering and negativity involved. When the reasoning shifts from moral to the personal-the pattern follows-more fear, fear of personal suffering as a result of the responsibility of parenthood.
All it takes is one search for the hashtag #childfree to see just how high a priority avoiding any sort of inconvenience is for the sort of person who uses it. Lots of talk of choosing this life so they can spend their money how they want, sleep as late as they want, not have their bodies “ravaged” by pregnancy, be able to have sex on a whim with whoever they want, not have to clean up the messes a child makes, etc. Essentially-a life any teenager aspires to.
What all of these arguments miss is this-we are meant to evolve in the spans of our lifetimes into beings that care for others. We are meant to suffer and sacrifice, and pain and suffering are not always actually bad. Some pain is purposeful, like the pain of childbirth. Birth teaches us to sit in discomfort-and the pain brings us a baby. Comforting a screaming infant teaches us to sit in discomfort-and the pain brings that baby peace and builds trust. When you haven’t experienced something like the magnitude of birth or the all-encompassing NEED of an infant, you are not evolving in the way we are meant to.
Yes, there are a multitude of different ways that this lesson can be learned. Elder care, care of other’s children, animal care. I have this inkling though that maybe just maybe there wouldn’t be so many people feeling the need to do things like take ayahuasca in faraway jungles to kick their addictions if we were actually moving through life’s natural path without so much resistance. That path, for most, would typically include children, birth, and the sacrifices and pain that go along with them. However-we have a society that is obsessed with cheap pleasure, avoidance of all pain and also the idea of convenience at all costs- which steals the real lessons away from us in exchange for epidurals and Tinder. This is not a trade that is good for us, if you haven’t caught on.
What is good for us collectively is children that are raised in a world that not only tolerates them but accepts them. No child should have to hear their mere existence blatantly spoken about as a negative thing. No child should have to see billboards that say “Stop Having Kids” right as they learn to read and wonder to themselves why strangers clearly think they shouldn’t exist. No child needs to be on the receiving end of a mean-spirited glare shot at a big family from across a waiting room or at a restaurant while they eat a meal.
Popular media and messaging shakes a finger at us all saying “be kind” and insists we accept any and all people and that we never ask any questions. Any mention of healthy eating or exercise and you are fat-phobic, any mention of basic biology and you are transphobic. And yet-there is one group of people that our society seems to have deemed okay to hate on: CHILDREN. We call them stupid and sticky and annoying and loud. We constantly get messaging about how much time and resources they “steal” from us. People post videos of their own children being disciplined in purposely shameful ways and they get thousands of likes and “hahas”. It’s okay to hate children in America, despite the fact that they are more vulnerable than any other group by their very nature. Vulnerability demands care and tending in a way that many people don’t seem to have the capacity for.
Children deserve to grow up surrounded by people who understand how to put them first, how to listen and look them in the eyes, how to see their needs that aren’t being met when they are struggling. Children deserve to move through the world, in a way that honors their innocence and humor and sweetness-but most of all, their humanity. Again, children are humans too.
Which brings me to my other story. I took my two younger children to a thrift store recently and my three year old threw a giant fit when I told him he wasn’t going to get the dinosaur he wanted because he hit his sister. Very typical kid stuff. We went to leave and he hooked his little feet in the cart, putting up a hearty fight against leaving while I struggled to hold my baby in my other arm. A woman came up to me and offered to hold my baby so I could safely get my son out of the cart and into his car seat. I was embarrassed and frazzled and under the pressure of time as I needed to leave quickly in order to pick my eldest up on time from her class. I hardly got to say thank you to the woman as I left.
Only a few days later I magically ran into this same woman at Aldi, pursuing the Easter candy on sale. I went and introduced myself as “the woman who you gracefully helped the other day as her toddler threw a massive dinosaur-related tantrum” and we laughed and she hugged me. She told me she had been there many times and that no matter how loud your child cries in public, you are still a good mother. We got to talking more and she mentioned that she is on the board of the local historical society and invited my older daughter to come and see their museum and even offered to help us with genealogical work. This felt even more special as these things are something I am curious about anyway and it just felt like a little bit of fate right there on an ordinary day at the grocery store, all because she was willing to help me when I was struggling to help my own child.
I share this story because it is not the first time a kind woman has helped me or my children in public. It was not the first time I was comforted by a more experienced mother than I. It was not the first time my children were seen in a vulnerable moment by a stranger not as a noisy burden, but as a little soul in need of a little bit of help and time. I worry about the state of things a whole lot and talk about various aspects of those worries a whole lot, but ultimately I am hopeful. I am hopeful because there are more people like this kind woman than there are people like that hateful man.
If you are reading this, my ultimate wish is for you as a mother or father to walk proudly through your child’s public tantrums. I want you to stride into that fancy coffee shop with 5 or 6 beautiful children with a smile that shows the wisdom you have gained from walking with them through their hardest nights and worst illnesses and happiest days and biggest lessons. I want you to know that the heat you feel in your cheeks as you blush and the tears you fight back from letting fall are not for nothing. They simply are evidence of a parent existing in the outside world with children who are doing their best and sometimes struggling, and it shows other people that this is normal and this is okay. I want us all to grow into the kind of woman who has been there, has gotten through it, and who knows how to seamlessly step in and offer helping hands and a open heart. I want this for women and most of all for children, the children who will always cry and pout and who will also always deserve warmth and tenderness in spite of (or rather, because of) their stickiness and noisy-ness.
What a well written account of both your personal experience and the current state of western humanity. I really feel like any culture that doesn't value children and woman first and foremost is suffering from a sickness. I have a little 2 year old son and my second child on the way, already I have become such a better person through being a parent and so has my husband. I agree that the suffering and pain you go through raising a little one helps build strength of character. We become better people through rising up to meet the responsibilities of life, and raising children is the ultimate responsibility.
If there was anything I could offer you it would be to not let anyone touting ideas such as that man have even a second of your mental happiness. He didn't deserve to shake you up and make you feel on the verge of tears. His comment was way too pathetic to solicit a rise outta you. You are a strong Mama Bear, I have followed you on Instagram enough to know, he deserved a growl and perhaps the middle finger. Haha!
Best regards to you and your beautiful family!
I appreciate this post so much! I was reflecting to a friend how much I love the community my family recently moved to because the people here respect children. If they hear your kid say something funny in a store they laugh. If they see you loving each other they smile. Being in a place where children are honored has shined a light on how they are being devalued elsewhere. But there are so many people everywhere who still hold children in honor!