From demoralizing the suffering of childbirth to encouraging the suffering of beauty and sex rituals, society's framing of female pain is unsurprisingly upside-down
Beautifully written Emily; thank you for giving this to the world. As you so rightly state, it's all about perception and framing. If you go into labor believing that this is going to be the most painful thing you will ever feel, well yup, that's what it will be. But if you believe that women are warriors and you have good support, there is nothing more empowering than remembering the power of your own body and how marvelously it worked!
Looking ahead, I am distraught at the thought of all those girls who will never grow into womanhood or experience the power of birth or motherhood because their bodies were irreparably harmed by medical "treatments" that didn't work to solve the problems they were having. The main problem being the hypersexualized society that allows males to use girls and women as if they are not human beings worthy of dignity and respect. As you stated, "Instead of finding her most powerful self, she again is sold another lie."
How come FGM is outlawed in many countries, but breast augmentation surgeries are celebrated? They are basically the same thing (altering women's bodies to make them acceptable to men).
And the near continuous naming of women as body parts is but a step on the path to dehumanizing us all. The foundational relationship for every society and culture is the mother/baby dyad. Disconnecting this in the course of labor does a great disservice to everyone. https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/the-evolution-to-transhumanism
Yes! To this all. The more I reflect on this I realize that there are three main ways woman can deflect away from the sort of “nourishing adversity” of female existence-avoiding pregnancy in general (hiring surrogates a la Paris Hilton), avoiding the pain of birth (epidurals and the like) and avoiding motherhood in general due to fear. And all three of these things-surrogacy, epidurals, and #childfreebychoice living are framed as so empowering and amazing by society. At the same time-all three are the only examples of “adversity”-things that are challenging-that the bypassing of is framed as “empowering” by society. Why are some of the most innately female acts and experiences, the ones that are hard but which show us what we are made of, seen as the only adversity not worth overcoming in a society that loves to praise people who have pushed through other types of adversity? Seems awfully suspicious to me...
Your point on FGM and breast augmentation is well worth a deep dive as well. To me the fact that the breast surgery goes on to potentially make issue for infant feeding makes it a double whammy as well.
I am so completely over the whole body-parts-as-identifiers thing as well, it gets brushed off in so many circles (which I recently learned very intimately as I tried to find a source for CERPS that used female centered language and the Facebook groups had my head!). Thank you for all of your apt points and conversation!
This one brings up so much for me! From medical texts regarding the emotional impact of engaging productive uterine contractions vs. fearfully causing oneself more pain and counterproductive contractions, to my own personal experiences regarding the heart wrenching effects of porn on a relationship. This conversation needs to keep going!
Also, in the case of Mary Ware Dennett, I suspect some severe nutritional deficiencies and emotional traumas contributed to her reproductive tragedies. So many historical reports of ill health are attributed to a lack of modern medicine, when the underlying cause was often linked to toxin exposure or longstanding nutritional deficits.
As a side note, the time period Mary lived in may have coincided with the first continuous exposures to EMF from electric lines. I would have to look back at the book, "The Invisible Rainbow" which made a strong case for the first electrical systems as the main cause of the Spanish Flu outbreak.
Emily I thought the same about the nutritional piece-I even had it in my notes!>> “**what were these women consuming? What other changes were happening socially that were factors in their suffering??”
The EMF factor is so interesting! I didn’t even consider that factory but if certainly is relevant. The immense shift in lifestyle in general at that time too-it was a real turning point for humanity and with so many implications.
“I don’t want to be a foremother who passes down a legacy of avoidance and disembodiment, I want to be a foremother whose legacy is one of facing hard things head-on, roaring reclamation, and tenderness for our innate female qualities and experiences.”
A bracing, beautiful statement to end this very thought provoking essay. Many thanks.
I loved this essay and find it so interesting how inverted our culture’s promotion of pain for women is, and I applaud your courage articulating these truths! Even in the homebirth community, there seems to be this idealized version of a pain-free, even orgasmic birth - which I would love to think exists, but it hasn’t for me yet ;) and in chasing that ideal, I fear that I’ve been partially avoiding the reality of childbirth pains, and therefore missing out on some of the empowerment. Lots to ponder - thank you!
This is something I think about a lot actually! The pain is always framed as the enemy and something to be managed-whether it is with an epidural or meditation or whatever-the intention behind that management is the same. It’s not a full surrender if it’s not a full surrender. I sort of feel similarly about doulas and childbirth classes that teach these techniques-these are just tools of management in one way. Yes, doulas advocate and yes, some of those classes may have valuable information for new parents, but there is so much prioritization of tools/techniques/exercises/protocols etc and hardly ever any encouragement related to intuition and actual physiological capability.
Totally agree! I was so stunned by the sheer pain of both my homebirths and vowed to “prepare better” for the next one, but as time has passed and I’ve reframed the experiences in more empowering ways, I doubt I’ll be signing up for hypnobirthing or whatever. What a gift of self discovery birth and motherhood is, and I really appreciate your writing!
I actually have heard similar things about the births my own grandmother had in the early 60s as well. It would be so interesting if someone interviewed women of different generations on their births and shared them to show the contrast between the times, it really is different by the decade I think.
I agree about Pitocin contractions and also had similar feelings about epidurals-the idea of being incapable of moving makes me far more fearful than the idea of pain, it’s actually such an easy choice in my head! And yes to transition being the time when you feel like you can’t do it-that’s pretty much when you DO do it!
This is literally what I commented back to the epidural lovers in the comments-I haven’t experienced it but I have witnessed this exact experience countless times. But no one wants to talk about that! I mentioned this fact, this potential side effect and all I got back was, of course, “stop shaming women!”, “This is NOT it”, etc….shocker right?
Exactly! One choice has zero side effects, the other has many potential ones, and we should all know this and fully understand what that means, for the good of us all.
In my experience, very few women make an informed consent decision to have an epidural. The only way that you can make an informed consent decision is to have all the facts about the pros, cons, risks and possible outcomes discussed well before labor commences. No woman is making rational decisions in labor and yelling "yes, do it" is merely agreeing to a procedure, which does not meet the threshold for informed consent.
I have worked in L&D in the past and the “informed” part of consent truly needs to be happening prenatally. That’s all there is to it, i also understand this isn’t always possible-there are women with no prenatal care and the like-but if at all possible, women need accurate information sooner and more concisely than it is typically offered.
Beautifully written Emily; thank you for giving this to the world. As you so rightly state, it's all about perception and framing. If you go into labor believing that this is going to be the most painful thing you will ever feel, well yup, that's what it will be. But if you believe that women are warriors and you have good support, there is nothing more empowering than remembering the power of your own body and how marvelously it worked!
Looking ahead, I am distraught at the thought of all those girls who will never grow into womanhood or experience the power of birth or motherhood because their bodies were irreparably harmed by medical "treatments" that didn't work to solve the problems they were having. The main problem being the hypersexualized society that allows males to use girls and women as if they are not human beings worthy of dignity and respect. As you stated, "Instead of finding her most powerful self, she again is sold another lie."
How come FGM is outlawed in many countries, but breast augmentation surgeries are celebrated? They are basically the same thing (altering women's bodies to make them acceptable to men).
And the near continuous naming of women as body parts is but a step on the path to dehumanizing us all. The foundational relationship for every society and culture is the mother/baby dyad. Disconnecting this in the course of labor does a great disservice to everyone. https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/the-evolution-to-transhumanism
Yes! To this all. The more I reflect on this I realize that there are three main ways woman can deflect away from the sort of “nourishing adversity” of female existence-avoiding pregnancy in general (hiring surrogates a la Paris Hilton), avoiding the pain of birth (epidurals and the like) and avoiding motherhood in general due to fear. And all three of these things-surrogacy, epidurals, and #childfreebychoice living are framed as so empowering and amazing by society. At the same time-all three are the only examples of “adversity”-things that are challenging-that the bypassing of is framed as “empowering” by society. Why are some of the most innately female acts and experiences, the ones that are hard but which show us what we are made of, seen as the only adversity not worth overcoming in a society that loves to praise people who have pushed through other types of adversity? Seems awfully suspicious to me...
Your point on FGM and breast augmentation is well worth a deep dive as well. To me the fact that the breast surgery goes on to potentially make issue for infant feeding makes it a double whammy as well.
I am so completely over the whole body-parts-as-identifiers thing as well, it gets brushed off in so many circles (which I recently learned very intimately as I tried to find a source for CERPS that used female centered language and the Facebook groups had my head!). Thank you for all of your apt points and conversation!
Linda Smith may have something you can use for your CERPS. She is exclusively mother-centered.
Oh thank you! I also came across Jennifer Tow and her work-if you have any insight on her I would be interested in hearing it!
This one brings up so much for me! From medical texts regarding the emotional impact of engaging productive uterine contractions vs. fearfully causing oneself more pain and counterproductive contractions, to my own personal experiences regarding the heart wrenching effects of porn on a relationship. This conversation needs to keep going!
Also, in the case of Mary Ware Dennett, I suspect some severe nutritional deficiencies and emotional traumas contributed to her reproductive tragedies. So many historical reports of ill health are attributed to a lack of modern medicine, when the underlying cause was often linked to toxin exposure or longstanding nutritional deficits.
As a side note, the time period Mary lived in may have coincided with the first continuous exposures to EMF from electric lines. I would have to look back at the book, "The Invisible Rainbow" which made a strong case for the first electrical systems as the main cause of the Spanish Flu outbreak.
I can't wait for the next article Emily!
Emily I thought the same about the nutritional piece-I even had it in my notes!>> “**what were these women consuming? What other changes were happening socially that were factors in their suffering??”
The EMF factor is so interesting! I didn’t even consider that factory but if certainly is relevant. The immense shift in lifestyle in general at that time too-it was a real turning point for humanity and with so many implications.
“I don’t want to be a foremother who passes down a legacy of avoidance and disembodiment, I want to be a foremother whose legacy is one of facing hard things head-on, roaring reclamation, and tenderness for our innate female qualities and experiences.”
A bracing, beautiful statement to end this very thought provoking essay. Many thanks.
Thank you so much for reading and your kindness ♥️
I loved this essay and find it so interesting how inverted our culture’s promotion of pain for women is, and I applaud your courage articulating these truths! Even in the homebirth community, there seems to be this idealized version of a pain-free, even orgasmic birth - which I would love to think exists, but it hasn’t for me yet ;) and in chasing that ideal, I fear that I’ve been partially avoiding the reality of childbirth pains, and therefore missing out on some of the empowerment. Lots to ponder - thank you!
This is something I think about a lot actually! The pain is always framed as the enemy and something to be managed-whether it is with an epidural or meditation or whatever-the intention behind that management is the same. It’s not a full surrender if it’s not a full surrender. I sort of feel similarly about doulas and childbirth classes that teach these techniques-these are just tools of management in one way. Yes, doulas advocate and yes, some of those classes may have valuable information for new parents, but there is so much prioritization of tools/techniques/exercises/protocols etc and hardly ever any encouragement related to intuition and actual physiological capability.
Totally agree! I was so stunned by the sheer pain of both my homebirths and vowed to “prepare better” for the next one, but as time has passed and I’ve reframed the experiences in more empowering ways, I doubt I’ll be signing up for hypnobirthing or whatever. What a gift of self discovery birth and motherhood is, and I really appreciate your writing!
Also thank you for the kind words as well-I meant to add that!
I truly think the best preparation is truly understanding that you don’t really need to prepare! (In the most basic sense of course)
As you said in the title, perhaps the best way to view the pain is “ungovernable” ☺️
👏👏👏
Thank you!!
Another pearl of a piece of writing.
Fantastic.
I actually have heard similar things about the births my own grandmother had in the early 60s as well. It would be so interesting if someone interviewed women of different generations on their births and shared them to show the contrast between the times, it really is different by the decade I think.
I agree about Pitocin contractions and also had similar feelings about epidurals-the idea of being incapable of moving makes me far more fearful than the idea of pain, it’s actually such an easy choice in my head! And yes to transition being the time when you feel like you can’t do it-that’s pretty much when you DO do it!
This is literally what I commented back to the epidural lovers in the comments-I haven’t experienced it but I have witnessed this exact experience countless times. But no one wants to talk about that! I mentioned this fact, this potential side effect and all I got back was, of course, “stop shaming women!”, “This is NOT it”, etc….shocker right?
Exactly! One choice has zero side effects, the other has many potential ones, and we should all know this and fully understand what that means, for the good of us all.
In my experience, very few women make an informed consent decision to have an epidural. The only way that you can make an informed consent decision is to have all the facts about the pros, cons, risks and possible outcomes discussed well before labor commences. No woman is making rational decisions in labor and yelling "yes, do it" is merely agreeing to a procedure, which does not meet the threshold for informed consent.
I have worked in L&D in the past and the “informed” part of consent truly needs to be happening prenatally. That’s all there is to it, i also understand this isn’t always possible-there are women with no prenatal care and the like-but if at all possible, women need accurate information sooner and more concisely than it is typically offered.
I'm so sorry that you had this experience. It's rough, I know.