As usual I am completely enamored by your essay and appalled at the comments 😂 I can’t even lift my husband’s chainsaw, darn sexism!!!
At 17 and pregnant I was nesting in my grandparents house which is meticulously clean thanks to my grandmother and her dear housekeeper of twenty years. Due to lack of anything to organize I went through the thousands of pokemon cards my boyfriend had collected, organizing them by type, color, etc. Those hormones had nowhere else to go!
8 years later I was heavily pregnant once again. After steaming literally every surface of my house I decided we needed new wood floors. At 37 weeks pregnant. Eternal gratitude to my husband for acquiescing. He redid the floors by day and cleaned off dust and debris at night. I found myself back in my grandparents house while the renovations marched onward. Reorganizing every spice in their cabinet and tossing decade-old mustard from their fridge. 3 days after returning home my water broke and baby came a few days later. One of the men who had helped with the floors asked my husband if I liked them, my husband told him I loved them so much I gave birth on them lol.
Hopefully the next time I find myself pregnant I will stay home and nest! Allowing the last few weeks to be especially peaceful and serene. We’ll see!
Anyways, just wanted to share my nesting experiences :)
Oh that Pokémon story made me laugh!! I loved at my parent’s home when I was young and pregnant with my first and my mother is similarly tidy. My Dad was drinking a few pots of coffee a day at the time and would leave coffee grounds and sugar on the counter top several times a day and it became my personal mission to not let those messes last more than a minute or two 😂 the energy is there and it will find an outlet!
Also laughing as I am literally staring at boxes full of wood flooring that my husband will be installing in the coming weeks!
I find it so funny that some claim men are responsible for the nesting urge! Nesting does truly feel biological - I feel compelled to vacuum, to add decorative touches, to stock up the pantry, to organize the closets, etc. My husband is happy to help with these things but often reminds me that it’s okay to rest, especially when, in his eyes, the house is already clean and I’m obviously very pregnant and very tired.
All that to say I’ve never felt any pressure from my husband, or anyone else for that matter, to frantically clean and decorate in the third trimester. Men seem to see the nesting urge as more of a mystery. But all the women I know get it! I realize this is anecdotal and not analytical evidence but maybe the lack of the latter is because it’s just obvious 😅
I feel the same! The pressure is internal and it arises seemingly out of nowhere. I honestly..dare I say it…think it is almost like being on drugs 😂 or at least it is that extreme in me and always has been. I try hard to keep a tidy home but am easily distracted and am juggling a lot so things fall through the cracks when I’m not pregnant but right now it’s as if those roadblocks just melted away and I am unstoppable!
YESSSS ----> "I don’t want my husband to decorate my children’s bedrooms. I don’t want him to pick out the bed linens. I don’t want him to bake the birthday cakes. Those things are my job. And I love my job. Does this mean I don’t love it when he does a sink full of dishes so that I can take a bath? Of course not. It’s the overarching theme of who-does-what that matters here however. Women make beauty, men make utility, and nesting is a thing of beauty!"
I'm currently in a combination of spring cleaning + 33 week nesting + in-laws coming into town mode....... a force to be reckoned with. hahahaha
Oh man! I do think I am experiencing the annual spring burst of energy in combination with the state of pregnancy I am in as well, but throw in those in-laws and you are basically super human right now!
I am one of those women who is fairly oblivious to her surroundings; I'm kind of an indifferent housekeeper, I don't care much about decorating, etc. and my husband finds it hilarious how he can move things around or change things and I don't even notice. But when I was pregnant with my third child, I suddenly became EXTREMELY AWARE of the fact that when we installed our kitchen cabinets, my husband did not put up the cute trim pieces along the tops (he is very handy, but lacks the patience for fiddly finish carpentry tasks).
One day, I just burst into tears and sobbed "I can't bring a child into this house with the trim looking like that! If you won't fix it...I'm...I'm...I'M GONNA CALL A GUY!"
"What? A guy? You don't have a guy!" my husband responded in disbelief.
"I WILL FIND A GUY! AND I WILL CALL HIM!!!" I wailed.
My husband absolutely detests paying others to do things he can do himself, so he sighed, went to the hardware store, and put up the cute trim. He didn't do a particularly good job - his miter cuts were a bit off, and there were some visible glue blobs - but it was up.
I was satisfied, and went back to not noticing my surroundings at all, until one night in my thirty-seventh week of pregnancy when I suddenly was seized by a horrified feeling that there was mildew in the bathroom tile grout and I COULD NOT BRING A CHILD INTO THIS HOUSE UNTIL THAT GROUT WAS CLEAN. So, I was in the tub with grout cleaner scrubbing away, and when at last the grout had been returned to its former glory I felt my water break and the contractions begin. My daughter was born 12 hours later.
As a woman who is currently very preoccupied with trim herself, and whose husband would not accept me “calling a guy”…I’m really laughing at this in solidarity 😂
And the story about the mildew and going into labor—amazing! What a testament to the power of nesting!
Aw, lovely. You made me think more about nesting. I wasn’t the most passionate nester, but thinking more deeply there were a few reasons for that. I had a lot of anxiety while pregnant with my first daughter, and that led me to superstitiously avoid preparing any space in the house until the third trimester. Simultaneously I was aware that none of the avoidance would help me if anything bad really did happen. Something I learned at this time of life was that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling anxiety or grief, but I could stop myself from feeling happiness. Anyway. We did eventually paint/decorate/furnish the baby’s room, and once she was born the anxiety mostly melted away. My first, and wisest purchase was a bedside bassinet. It was a milestone to actually order it.
I had much less anxiety during the pregnancy with my second daughter, but also less time. I remember wanting to nest in December (she was a January baby). Between work and family being sick and just surviving, only the basics were done, and that was enough. My nesting energy went more into my workplace I think: I tried extremely hard to tie up any loose ends before I left.
My intuition is that nesting is biological to some extent, but that the particular way we nest is influenced by culture. Probably our culture is more invested in acquiring material items than others have been. I love what you say about beauty though. With less resources, nesting could mean doing some beautiful embroidery or sewing or yarn work: it wouldn’t have to include refurbishing and remodeling the house, if that is not your jam.
Looking at my life, I could as easily argue that society repressed my nesting instincts, by putting me in circumstances where I was forced to work and have children later in life (hence the fertility issues and heightened anxiety, etc etc. I am not particularly interested in arguing that but it makes as much sense as society causing my nesting instincts.
Thank you for all of these contributions to the conversation—you bring up so many important and interesting points!
I absolutely think anxiety around pregnancy can influence nesting—probably in the way you state here and also probably in the opposite way, going totally overboard because it feels like something you can control.
I also think the point about how society potentially influences how we nest or if we do at all is very smart. With my second, I think a lot of my energy went to my workplace as well, and with my third it went to good prep. With my first it was cleanliness. With this one it seems to just be decorating and organizing. It is all certainly circumstantial!
Loved relating to your nesting urges, hanging art to stare at from bed, a tended garden to gave at through the bedroom window. I even “needed” things for my family to enjoy in the living room - the area I didn’t step foot in for two weeks! I do find nesting delightful and a joy in pregnancy. Home making is not mothering, but it’s a the heart posture of intention and anticipating a new, thought about, loved family member. It IS delightful to buzz around in preparation of them. And while a baby doesnt notice, it will notice years down the road when mom makes a warm home made meal, when the home is tidy and inviting after a day at school, when their rooms are decorated with who they are in mind.
Also, as a first time mom, I bought into the consumerism of baby things, while still only reading “minimalist baby registry” blogs. And I did find that I used almost everything I purchased and it created a helpful foundation for items needed our second pregnancy. But the second time, I used all those items for a lot less time if even at all. I didn’t pump, I didn’t use a bassinet,swaddle, baby pod, etc.
Thank you! You are right, homemaking is not mothering, but I do think mothering involves some homemaking 😆 just as a baseline, of not neglecting the environment the children grow in, if anything else. And even better, the things you mention here—that decorated bedroom, the clean house to come home to.
I bought into the same with my first too, even on a pretty low budget. It felt like something I could control I think, now looking back on it in retrospect. I also didn’t use much of those things with subsequent children, I think we just learn by doing (of course we do!) and eliminate as needed.
My husband is the opposite of me tho, he said he likes coming home to a house that is not picked up (like toys in the living room etc) bc he can see what we did in the day and see that the kids had fun. It’s interesting to me bc I grew up cleaning the house before dad got home from work, so I do that as a “good wife” but my husband could care less lol
I find "scrubbing the baseboards" to be such an odd description of nesting (in popular culture, as you've reference here) because that type of deep cleaning isn't my primary drive while nesting. It's more the other things you've discussed: making the space beautiful, stocking up on snacks, making sure clothes and diapers are prepped, etc. In many ways, while I'm nesting, I feel simply more driven/motivated to do the things I wish I did all the time. I don't regularly long for clean baseboards, but to be in a place where the things of home are well-cared-for? Beauty, nourishment, attention to the individual people in the home? To live where someone is making sure that clothing fits, that toys are taken care of, that people have the food and drinks and blankets and things that they love? That's what I long for daily, and I just usually don't have the drive/priority/time to make it happen.
I agree! Scrubbing the baseboards is the silly exaggerated manic version I think (no shade to the women here who are all in for drubbing baseboards of course 😂).
I loved nesting. I didn't have a lot of energy, but I liked moving things around. A lot of the baby's clothing were passed down to him by cousins and friends of mine, and it made me a little sad 😂 because I wanted to buy clothes for him and fix his little bedroom. He's currently 2 months old and we are going to decorate his bedroom, and buy new clothes for him, I'm so happy!
Another great post and look into the real and authentic miracle of how women take the spark God gives a man and woman, and basically single handedly completes creation.
This whole "series" of sharing this pregnancy has been so critically important. In the past families and even members of the community, had the privilege of seeing and hearing about all the nuances you are generously sharing. This is the story of humanity, lived and told by every mother, to ever have existed. Your story, which reaches back to the beginning of humanity, is our authentic, true and visceral roots.
It's concerning and a shame, that the indoctrinated women are trying to scrub the amazing miracle from every atom of their bodies, via a decades long brainwashing. It's even more concerning that mothers (I'll give them credit for not aborting) also are trying to purge all things "mother and woman". One wonders if this subtle self loathing rings loud and clear to the growing baby inside them.
Lastly, it's telling that they so intently and radically work to strip any beauty, celebration or specialness (nesting), from this human miracle - unique in the universe (as far as we know). These men and women who've convinced themselves that a pregnancy's import is a gift registry or Fb selfie post, are the norm these day.
This is why the work you and other woman/mothers here are doing, is so crucial. Thank you for giving this back to humanity. It's creation, it's a miracle and it is ALL of us.
Prayers and sincere thoughts for you and your family in the amazing time Emily!!
Thank you for seeing with such clarity what I am aiming to do with my sharing and vulnerability here! And for your ability to see the value these conversations and acts bring to ALL people.
I have wondered the same about how these internalized cultural messages are passed on to the babies we grow inside of us, I do think it is crystal clear that our emotions and thoughts impact the development of our children, and this is just another layer. This, along with the stripping of beauty in our everyday lives, truly has life long implications.
I truly appreciate, as always, your kindness and your readership here!
Also, my husband nested too, just differently. I nested first and second trimester so I could relax and rest the remaining 3rd trimester. My husband turned my whole house upside down with construction projects the final weeks of my pregnancy to scratch his own itches. Build a deck and outdoor shower, check. Shiplapped our fire place, check. Painted the entire inside of our house, check. He knew if I went into labor early he’d have hell to to pay lol
My name is Bethany. My occupational science dissertation focuses on some of the ideas you contend with in your post. Let me know if you want to connect offline.
I was just about to leave a comment about how, at 36 weeks pregnant with my fifth baby, I've never felt the strong nesting urge... But then I realized that only yesterday, I stocked my fridge, freezer, and outdoor chest freezer completely to the brim, and am spending today making gallons of beef broth to put away. It hit me that, rather than buying lovely decor and gear for the home, my nesting looks like stocking up on wholesome food.
I'm only 15 weeks and my need to buy shit for my baby is overwhelming. However I have a two year old and I recall that he rarely wore clothes, sometimes wore diapers, never used a bottle, never used a pacifier, seldom used his many rattles, never touched his lovey, never ever ever spent more than 60 seconds in his cradle, didn't care much for his wipe warmer, never got diaper rash, and never wore a hat. I've saved most of his little-used newborn toys and clothes. I have a changing table. Both children will be born in August so I don't expect we'll do hats and socks this time around.
I've been channeling this frustrated nesting/consumerist energy by covering every inch of our room into art that will inspire my children (the toddler has really appreciated this) and organizing our stuff (the toddler has also appreciated this, weird kid.) Alphabetizing my tea/medicine nook.
This article has left my with a cradle-filled hole in my art even though *i have given away two unused cradles in the last year.* Maybe... a baby hammock?
The provider isn’t invisible, but the mother-baby dyad is just that, a dyad. The newborn infant needs their mother in a much more intimate, hands on way, than they need their father. Of course they need provided for, as does the mother, but what this is referring to is is the biological relationship—most significantly the breastfeeding relationship.
Also- the “mother baby dyad” is a common term used in maternity care, so that is what I am referring to here. Again, most specifically in terms of nurturing. It isn’t meant to be a term to alienate men, it is a term to signify the unique physical interdependence between mothers and their newborns.
I understand your use of the term, and I agree that is what most people think of. But maybe they *should* also think of the dependency of the nursing dyad on the paternal provider. And the reason *why* society might *want* to privilege male heads of household (to allow them to *provide*!)
Also, maybe instead of demanding employers to grant maternity benefits at the drop of the hat, especially when it leaves gaps in staffing, we might ask to go back to the days when male providers were *privileged* by employers (because they could be *counted* on to show up to work whenever needed).
When women flooded the labor market in the sixties and seventies, it depressed wages and made it harder for single income families to exist. Maybe we might go back a bit and reprivilege male providers somehow.
If he is not a provider then he is there as a phantom presence, deserving or not. This is why it is so important for the child to be born of the marital embrace (triad!)
I absolutely agree that this is the ideal, but it is often not what plays out in reality. I was a young single mother once upon a time and I take care of many single mothers at my workplace, so I think there is no reason to try and insert idealistic meaning into this term that is purely physiological. It is important that society recognizes fully the magnitude of the mother-baby dyad’s interdependence and needs for one another. In an ideal world, those needs are of course supported by a husband. But they often are not, and the needs and interdependence still remains, and those mothers and babies need support. Support will only be granted to all dyads if the nature of their relationship is actually recognized and respected in culture, which it currently is not.
“Work will still be sexed though, as some work is easier for men and some work is easier for women. I don’t want to go build a shelter for sheep anymore than my husband wants to nurse our babies. He doesn’t want to plan a birthday celebration anymore than I want to go oil the chainsaw and cut down the branches hanging over our roof. And that’s fine. It’s not “mental load”, it’s again, common sense.”
That’s not common sense, it’s motivated reasoning.
Neither planning a birthday nor oiling and using (or even sharpening!) a chainsaw to cut down some branches is sexed work, unless of course you *have* swallowed gender stereotypes whole.
Who do you think plans parties in gay couples or single dad families?
Who do you think wields the chainsaw in lesbian couples or single mom families.
It isn’t about what either sex is capable of, it is about what they are inclined to do. Of course women can wield a chainsaw, of course men can wield a child’s party hat. The question is one of how gender roles are informed by physiology, and they are. The differences between men and women are not just physical but mental. We have brain differences. Not only this, but growing up in either a male or female body creates different ways of thinking through experience.
Are there outliers? Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, yet the rule still stands. In same sex couples, the same work must be done and so it is, likely with the person who is more of an outlier for their sex doing the more atypical work.
I’m honestly not a big believer in the idea of “gender” either. I think what we call gender is just sex expanded upon, so to me, gender stereotypes are just observed common patterns of the sexes. Have they become woefully exaggerated? Sure, especially when you look at 1950s housewife perfectionism. That isn’t what I’m talking about here.
I appreciate where you’re trying to come from, I believe, but how is your “what they’re inclined to do” and “outliers” discourse (both informed by and inextricable from endless social reinforcement) fundamentally any different than 1950’s housewife perfection?
I just don’t believe gender is a wholly social construct, I actually believe the idea that it is is in itself a bit of a social construct. Of course, like I said, there will be exaggerations. And those exaggerations have historically been used to harm, certainly. But those basic inclinations are the result of brain and body differences—from grip strength to hormones and everything in between, males and females are just truly very different and often in general patterns across time and place. I suppose I don’t view this as a bad thing, either, and see the common perception of it as such often as a way to demean and/or “other” women.
I’m not trying to be pedantic: neither planning birthday parties nor operating power tools have been part of human experience long enough to have had meaningful biological selection. But plenty of time for cultural/social influences to have piled up.
As usual I am completely enamored by your essay and appalled at the comments 😂 I can’t even lift my husband’s chainsaw, darn sexism!!!
At 17 and pregnant I was nesting in my grandparents house which is meticulously clean thanks to my grandmother and her dear housekeeper of twenty years. Due to lack of anything to organize I went through the thousands of pokemon cards my boyfriend had collected, organizing them by type, color, etc. Those hormones had nowhere else to go!
8 years later I was heavily pregnant once again. After steaming literally every surface of my house I decided we needed new wood floors. At 37 weeks pregnant. Eternal gratitude to my husband for acquiescing. He redid the floors by day and cleaned off dust and debris at night. I found myself back in my grandparents house while the renovations marched onward. Reorganizing every spice in their cabinet and tossing decade-old mustard from their fridge. 3 days after returning home my water broke and baby came a few days later. One of the men who had helped with the floors asked my husband if I liked them, my husband told him I loved them so much I gave birth on them lol.
Hopefully the next time I find myself pregnant I will stay home and nest! Allowing the last few weeks to be especially peaceful and serene. We’ll see!
Anyways, just wanted to share my nesting experiences :)
Oh that Pokémon story made me laugh!! I loved at my parent’s home when I was young and pregnant with my first and my mother is similarly tidy. My Dad was drinking a few pots of coffee a day at the time and would leave coffee grounds and sugar on the counter top several times a day and it became my personal mission to not let those messes last more than a minute or two 😂 the energy is there and it will find an outlet!
Also laughing as I am literally staring at boxes full of wood flooring that my husband will be installing in the coming weeks!
Thank you so much for the kind words Molly! Also laughing at our seemingly collective yearnings for wood flooring in pregnancy 😅
I find it so funny that some claim men are responsible for the nesting urge! Nesting does truly feel biological - I feel compelled to vacuum, to add decorative touches, to stock up the pantry, to organize the closets, etc. My husband is happy to help with these things but often reminds me that it’s okay to rest, especially when, in his eyes, the house is already clean and I’m obviously very pregnant and very tired.
All that to say I’ve never felt any pressure from my husband, or anyone else for that matter, to frantically clean and decorate in the third trimester. Men seem to see the nesting urge as more of a mystery. But all the women I know get it! I realize this is anecdotal and not analytical evidence but maybe the lack of the latter is because it’s just obvious 😅
I feel the same! The pressure is internal and it arises seemingly out of nowhere. I honestly..dare I say it…think it is almost like being on drugs 😂 or at least it is that extreme in me and always has been. I try hard to keep a tidy home but am easily distracted and am juggling a lot so things fall through the cracks when I’m not pregnant but right now it’s as if those roadblocks just melted away and I am unstoppable!
Yes exactly!!
YESSSS ----> "I don’t want my husband to decorate my children’s bedrooms. I don’t want him to pick out the bed linens. I don’t want him to bake the birthday cakes. Those things are my job. And I love my job. Does this mean I don’t love it when he does a sink full of dishes so that I can take a bath? Of course not. It’s the overarching theme of who-does-what that matters here however. Women make beauty, men make utility, and nesting is a thing of beauty!"
I'm currently in a combination of spring cleaning + 33 week nesting + in-laws coming into town mode....... a force to be reckoned with. hahahaha
Oh man! I do think I am experiencing the annual spring burst of energy in combination with the state of pregnancy I am in as well, but throw in those in-laws and you are basically super human right now!
I am one of those women who is fairly oblivious to her surroundings; I'm kind of an indifferent housekeeper, I don't care much about decorating, etc. and my husband finds it hilarious how he can move things around or change things and I don't even notice. But when I was pregnant with my third child, I suddenly became EXTREMELY AWARE of the fact that when we installed our kitchen cabinets, my husband did not put up the cute trim pieces along the tops (he is very handy, but lacks the patience for fiddly finish carpentry tasks).
One day, I just burst into tears and sobbed "I can't bring a child into this house with the trim looking like that! If you won't fix it...I'm...I'm...I'M GONNA CALL A GUY!"
"What? A guy? You don't have a guy!" my husband responded in disbelief.
"I WILL FIND A GUY! AND I WILL CALL HIM!!!" I wailed.
My husband absolutely detests paying others to do things he can do himself, so he sighed, went to the hardware store, and put up the cute trim. He didn't do a particularly good job - his miter cuts were a bit off, and there were some visible glue blobs - but it was up.
I was satisfied, and went back to not noticing my surroundings at all, until one night in my thirty-seventh week of pregnancy when I suddenly was seized by a horrified feeling that there was mildew in the bathroom tile grout and I COULD NOT BRING A CHILD INTO THIS HOUSE UNTIL THAT GROUT WAS CLEAN. So, I was in the tub with grout cleaner scrubbing away, and when at last the grout had been returned to its former glory I felt my water break and the contractions begin. My daughter was born 12 hours later.
As a woman who is currently very preoccupied with trim herself, and whose husband would not accept me “calling a guy”…I’m really laughing at this in solidarity 😂
And the story about the mildew and going into labor—amazing! What a testament to the power of nesting!
😂😂😂
Aw, lovely. You made me think more about nesting. I wasn’t the most passionate nester, but thinking more deeply there were a few reasons for that. I had a lot of anxiety while pregnant with my first daughter, and that led me to superstitiously avoid preparing any space in the house until the third trimester. Simultaneously I was aware that none of the avoidance would help me if anything bad really did happen. Something I learned at this time of life was that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling anxiety or grief, but I could stop myself from feeling happiness. Anyway. We did eventually paint/decorate/furnish the baby’s room, and once she was born the anxiety mostly melted away. My first, and wisest purchase was a bedside bassinet. It was a milestone to actually order it.
I had much less anxiety during the pregnancy with my second daughter, but also less time. I remember wanting to nest in December (she was a January baby). Between work and family being sick and just surviving, only the basics were done, and that was enough. My nesting energy went more into my workplace I think: I tried extremely hard to tie up any loose ends before I left.
My intuition is that nesting is biological to some extent, but that the particular way we nest is influenced by culture. Probably our culture is more invested in acquiring material items than others have been. I love what you say about beauty though. With less resources, nesting could mean doing some beautiful embroidery or sewing or yarn work: it wouldn’t have to include refurbishing and remodeling the house, if that is not your jam.
Looking at my life, I could as easily argue that society repressed my nesting instincts, by putting me in circumstances where I was forced to work and have children later in life (hence the fertility issues and heightened anxiety, etc etc. I am not particularly interested in arguing that but it makes as much sense as society causing my nesting instincts.
Thank you for all of these contributions to the conversation—you bring up so many important and interesting points!
I absolutely think anxiety around pregnancy can influence nesting—probably in the way you state here and also probably in the opposite way, going totally overboard because it feels like something you can control.
I also think the point about how society potentially influences how we nest or if we do at all is very smart. With my second, I think a lot of my energy went to my workplace as well, and with my third it went to good prep. With my first it was cleanliness. With this one it seems to just be decorating and organizing. It is all certainly circumstantial!
Loved relating to your nesting urges, hanging art to stare at from bed, a tended garden to gave at through the bedroom window. I even “needed” things for my family to enjoy in the living room - the area I didn’t step foot in for two weeks! I do find nesting delightful and a joy in pregnancy. Home making is not mothering, but it’s a the heart posture of intention and anticipating a new, thought about, loved family member. It IS delightful to buzz around in preparation of them. And while a baby doesnt notice, it will notice years down the road when mom makes a warm home made meal, when the home is tidy and inviting after a day at school, when their rooms are decorated with who they are in mind.
Also, as a first time mom, I bought into the consumerism of baby things, while still only reading “minimalist baby registry” blogs. And I did find that I used almost everything I purchased and it created a helpful foundation for items needed our second pregnancy. But the second time, I used all those items for a lot less time if even at all. I didn’t pump, I didn’t use a bassinet,swaddle, baby pod, etc.
Thank you! You are right, homemaking is not mothering, but I do think mothering involves some homemaking 😆 just as a baseline, of not neglecting the environment the children grow in, if anything else. And even better, the things you mention here—that decorated bedroom, the clean house to come home to.
I bought into the same with my first too, even on a pretty low budget. It felt like something I could control I think, now looking back on it in retrospect. I also didn’t use much of those things with subsequent children, I think we just learn by doing (of course we do!) and eliminate as needed.
My husband is the opposite of me tho, he said he likes coming home to a house that is not picked up (like toys in the living room etc) bc he can see what we did in the day and see that the kids had fun. It’s interesting to me bc I grew up cleaning the house before dad got home from work, so I do that as a “good wife” but my husband could care less lol
I find "scrubbing the baseboards" to be such an odd description of nesting (in popular culture, as you've reference here) because that type of deep cleaning isn't my primary drive while nesting. It's more the other things you've discussed: making the space beautiful, stocking up on snacks, making sure clothes and diapers are prepped, etc. In many ways, while I'm nesting, I feel simply more driven/motivated to do the things I wish I did all the time. I don't regularly long for clean baseboards, but to be in a place where the things of home are well-cared-for? Beauty, nourishment, attention to the individual people in the home? To live where someone is making sure that clothing fits, that toys are taken care of, that people have the food and drinks and blankets and things that they love? That's what I long for daily, and I just usually don't have the drive/priority/time to make it happen.
I agree! Scrubbing the baseboards is the silly exaggerated manic version I think (no shade to the women here who are all in for drubbing baseboards of course 😂).
I WISH that I had motivation to scrub my baseboards at least every now and then HA but alas and alack, I do not.
I am right there with you 😅
I loved nesting. I didn't have a lot of energy, but I liked moving things around. A lot of the baby's clothing were passed down to him by cousins and friends of mine, and it made me a little sad 😂 because I wanted to buy clothes for him and fix his little bedroom. He's currently 2 months old and we are going to decorate his bedroom, and buy new clothes for him, I'm so happy!
Oh I’m so glad you still get to build your little nest for him! Congratulations 💗
Another great post and look into the real and authentic miracle of how women take the spark God gives a man and woman, and basically single handedly completes creation.
This whole "series" of sharing this pregnancy has been so critically important. In the past families and even members of the community, had the privilege of seeing and hearing about all the nuances you are generously sharing. This is the story of humanity, lived and told by every mother, to ever have existed. Your story, which reaches back to the beginning of humanity, is our authentic, true and visceral roots.
It's concerning and a shame, that the indoctrinated women are trying to scrub the amazing miracle from every atom of their bodies, via a decades long brainwashing. It's even more concerning that mothers (I'll give them credit for not aborting) also are trying to purge all things "mother and woman". One wonders if this subtle self loathing rings loud and clear to the growing baby inside them.
Lastly, it's telling that they so intently and radically work to strip any beauty, celebration or specialness (nesting), from this human miracle - unique in the universe (as far as we know). These men and women who've convinced themselves that a pregnancy's import is a gift registry or Fb selfie post, are the norm these day.
This is why the work you and other woman/mothers here are doing, is so crucial. Thank you for giving this back to humanity. It's creation, it's a miracle and it is ALL of us.
Prayers and sincere thoughts for you and your family in the amazing time Emily!!
Thank you for seeing with such clarity what I am aiming to do with my sharing and vulnerability here! And for your ability to see the value these conversations and acts bring to ALL people.
I have wondered the same about how these internalized cultural messages are passed on to the babies we grow inside of us, I do think it is crystal clear that our emotions and thoughts impact the development of our children, and this is just another layer. This, along with the stripping of beauty in our everyday lives, truly has life long implications.
I truly appreciate, as always, your kindness and your readership here!
🙏
Also, my husband nested too, just differently. I nested first and second trimester so I could relax and rest the remaining 3rd trimester. My husband turned my whole house upside down with construction projects the final weeks of my pregnancy to scratch his own itches. Build a deck and outdoor shower, check. Shiplapped our fire place, check. Painted the entire inside of our house, check. He knew if I went into labor early he’d have hell to to pay lol
Haha I think there is certainly something to this! And it all pays off handsomely in the long run, right? 😂
Hi,
My name is Bethany. My occupational science dissertation focuses on some of the ideas you contend with in your post. Let me know if you want to connect offline.
Bethany
Hi Bethany! I am certainly curious! Would this be via email? Thanks!
Yes I tried to direct message you my e-mail address. Let me know if you are unable to see that.
Let me go back and check!!
How smart is the Substack algorithm? It just led me here. 😄 (Sorry for jumping in late—I’ll read your piece all the same!)
I was just about to leave a comment about how, at 36 weeks pregnant with my fifth baby, I've never felt the strong nesting urge... But then I realized that only yesterday, I stocked my fridge, freezer, and outdoor chest freezer completely to the brim, and am spending today making gallons of beef broth to put away. It hit me that, rather than buying lovely decor and gear for the home, my nesting looks like stocking up on wholesome food.
I'm only 15 weeks and my need to buy shit for my baby is overwhelming. However I have a two year old and I recall that he rarely wore clothes, sometimes wore diapers, never used a bottle, never used a pacifier, seldom used his many rattles, never touched his lovey, never ever ever spent more than 60 seconds in his cradle, didn't care much for his wipe warmer, never got diaper rash, and never wore a hat. I've saved most of his little-used newborn toys and clothes. I have a changing table. Both children will be born in August so I don't expect we'll do hats and socks this time around.
I've been channeling this frustrated nesting/consumerist energy by covering every inch of our room into art that will inspire my children (the toddler has really appreciated this) and organizing our stuff (the toddler has also appreciated this, weird kid.) Alphabetizing my tea/medicine nook.
This article has left my with a cradle-filled hole in my art even though *i have given away two unused cradles in the last year.* Maybe... a baby hammock?
It is not a dyad, it's a triad, with the provider being the invisible partner.
The provider isn’t invisible, but the mother-baby dyad is just that, a dyad. The newborn infant needs their mother in a much more intimate, hands on way, than they need their father. Of course they need provided for, as does the mother, but what this is referring to is is the biological relationship—most significantly the breastfeeding relationship.
Yes but without the provider, the dyad cannot (biologically) exist.
Also- the “mother baby dyad” is a common term used in maternity care, so that is what I am referring to here. Again, most specifically in terms of nurturing. It isn’t meant to be a term to alienate men, it is a term to signify the unique physical interdependence between mothers and their newborns.
I understand your use of the term, and I agree that is what most people think of. But maybe they *should* also think of the dependency of the nursing dyad on the paternal provider. And the reason *why* society might *want* to privilege male heads of household (to allow them to *provide*!)
Also, maybe instead of demanding employers to grant maternity benefits at the drop of the hat, especially when it leaves gaps in staffing, we might ask to go back to the days when male providers were *privileged* by employers (because they could be *counted* on to show up to work whenever needed).
When women flooded the labor market in the sixties and seventies, it depressed wages and made it harder for single income families to exist. Maybe we might go back a bit and reprivilege male providers somehow.
True, but sometimes the provider is not a provider. Do they still deserve a place in the triad?
If he is not a provider then he is there as a phantom presence, deserving or not. This is why it is so important for the child to be born of the marital embrace (triad!)
I absolutely agree that this is the ideal, but it is often not what plays out in reality. I was a young single mother once upon a time and I take care of many single mothers at my workplace, so I think there is no reason to try and insert idealistic meaning into this term that is purely physiological. It is important that society recognizes fully the magnitude of the mother-baby dyad’s interdependence and needs for one another. In an ideal world, those needs are of course supported by a husband. But they often are not, and the needs and interdependence still remains, and those mothers and babies need support. Support will only be granted to all dyads if the nature of their relationship is actually recognized and respected in culture, which it currently is not.
“Work will still be sexed though, as some work is easier for men and some work is easier for women. I don’t want to go build a shelter for sheep anymore than my husband wants to nurse our babies. He doesn’t want to plan a birthday celebration anymore than I want to go oil the chainsaw and cut down the branches hanging over our roof. And that’s fine. It’s not “mental load”, it’s again, common sense.”
That’s not common sense, it’s motivated reasoning.
Neither planning a birthday nor oiling and using (or even sharpening!) a chainsaw to cut down some branches is sexed work, unless of course you *have* swallowed gender stereotypes whole.
Who do you think plans parties in gay couples or single dad families?
Who do you think wields the chainsaw in lesbian couples or single mom families.
It isn’t about what either sex is capable of, it is about what they are inclined to do. Of course women can wield a chainsaw, of course men can wield a child’s party hat. The question is one of how gender roles are informed by physiology, and they are. The differences between men and women are not just physical but mental. We have brain differences. Not only this, but growing up in either a male or female body creates different ways of thinking through experience.
Are there outliers? Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, yet the rule still stands. In same sex couples, the same work must be done and so it is, likely with the person who is more of an outlier for their sex doing the more atypical work.
I’m honestly not a big believer in the idea of “gender” either. I think what we call gender is just sex expanded upon, so to me, gender stereotypes are just observed common patterns of the sexes. Have they become woefully exaggerated? Sure, especially when you look at 1950s housewife perfectionism. That isn’t what I’m talking about here.
I appreciate where you’re trying to come from, I believe, but how is your “what they’re inclined to do” and “outliers” discourse (both informed by and inextricable from endless social reinforcement) fundamentally any different than 1950’s housewife perfection?
I just don’t believe gender is a wholly social construct, I actually believe the idea that it is is in itself a bit of a social construct. Of course, like I said, there will be exaggerations. And those exaggerations have historically been used to harm, certainly. But those basic inclinations are the result of brain and body differences—from grip strength to hormones and everything in between, males and females are just truly very different and often in general patterns across time and place. I suppose I don’t view this as a bad thing, either, and see the common perception of it as such often as a way to demean and/or “other” women.
Again, I get what you *want* to be saying.
But that’s not *what* you’re saying in your post.
I’m not trying to be pedantic: neither planning birthday parties nor operating power tools have been part of human experience long enough to have had meaningful biological selection. But plenty of time for cultural/social influences to have piled up.
Understood. I actually just used our conversation here to edit a bit to clarify my position. Thank you for illuminating to me where I wasn’t clear.
That is the ultimate compliment, Emily.
My sincere thanks for considering the perspective that I shared - and again, for sharing your valuable thoughts with the world!
And my best wishes for you & for your coming child. They’ll be in good hands I am certain!
Well thank you! I appreciate the respectful discourse and your kindness!