The moment my midwives for my second baby signed me up for a breastfeeding class and urged me to buy formula before my birthing time, I knew our relationship was over.
No woman in my family breastfed since my great-great grandmother and I naively thought I could easily breastfeed my first without any help. Well within the first few days I realized I was so so wrong. My baby wouldn’t latch and was endlessly screaming, my midwife told me to give him mashed potatoes as she had never breastfed her baby either. Nobody ever mentioned a tongue tie until he was a year old. I tried pumping but it was like I had time travelled to the dark ages, just sitting there waiting for a few drops to come out felt like torture. I bought formula and cried for the breastfeeding relationship I so desperately wanted.
My second latched immediately after being born. She’s been the easiest feeder and we’re still going strong at 21 months!
My relationship with my second is so different than my first. I know breastfeeding plays a huge part in that and I can’t help but feel guilty about it sometimes. My son will stop what he’s doing and run in to watch me breastfeed his little sister, he gushes “she’s SO cute!” and loves to take pictures of us. There’s something healing for him here too.
I read something somewhere (mom brain) that said the truth is like death. I know how uncomfortable it can make other mothers to share the truths that have come to me through my daughter.
My cousin had her first baby the year after my second was born. I reached out to her and told her that I would be happy to talk her through anything, especially breastfeeding. She lives in a big city with a powerful career and turned to the pump and professionals, her only issue was some pain with latching in the first few days. I’ve come to realize that the women with all the titles don’t want advice from rural mothers. The first time we met her baby (that we weren’t allowed to hold or touch) she was pumping while dad had baby strapped to his chest. To this day her baby prefers dad and is inconsolable with his own mother. It breaks my heart to witness.
I love so much what found about your son taking photos of you nursing your daughter and how that is healing for him too. That is really sweet. Your midwife suggesting mashed potatoes is crazy! Goes to show that not all birth workers know about lactation.
I actually had a really hard time with my first, and even went to a hospital lactation consultant and no one ever mentioned a tongue tie either, which was absolutely the source of the pain I was having and the supply issues due to poor latch. I can see that in retrospect now, but I had to pump and supplement with her until it didn’t hurt anymore, which took months. I think tongue ties can be not a big deal at all too, it seems the diagnosis of them is another trend in and of itself, but when they are bad they are bad and need attention. I’m sorry no one helped you with that.
It is interesting what you said about your cousin and the fact that she doesn’t want your advice, I would say that her reaching straight for the professionals as a professional type herself (it sounds like?) is a good example of how it is also a trend to use them as the first line. After all, the IBCLC title is a fairly new profession that is looking to legitimize itself and has really done the governing bodies of that title have really done groundwork to make it seem like the best choice. I say this as a CLC and RN who could sit and take the exam tomorrow should I want to shell out 700 dollars to do so. I choose not to because I would rather stay within the realm of mother to mother support because I believe in it so much. They have their place, and do good work, but to fix a simple latch issue or help with positioning, etc, other women are perfectly qualified. It’s just another example of the increased monetization of basic biological knowledge.
A few weeks ago, I wrote on my Substack: I admit to laughing when... preparing for the arrival of her first baby, spoke of paying (PAYING!) for a video tutorial on how to swaddle a baby. That information used to be passed on by mothers, aunts, sisters, and neighbors. The technical know-how was accompanied by companionship, warmth, and solidarity. Yet, none of those imparting information would have labeled themselves as “expert baby-swaddler.” How much was lost by learning through a video rather than through human connection.
You are bringing a stronger example of this problem and adding the "successful womanhood means working" aspect. Thank you.
Oh gosh! Thank you for this Susan! I have taught so many new moms and dads how to swaddle at work (ironic since I never really swaddle my own babies!)and it is actually one of my favorite parts of my job, along with teaching how to do baby baths, help with nursing, how to burp, etc.
Makes me wonder how necessary it would have been in the past when people were generally raised around more infants and had more siblings they inevitably helped to care for.
On the other side of your example, can you imagine being the person who decides to charge for such simple information?! I suppose if there is a need, it is fair game, but I just cannot imagine feeling the need to charge!
I got pushback from a reader saying that too many moms don’t have that mother, aunt, sister or neighbor anymore. That’s a fair comment. But I once had a nine-month pregnant friend of a sister come to watch me bathe an infant. Had a video been available that would have been easier and probably more comfortable rather than coming to a stranger’s house (and bathroom). But I think she received more by helping me as well as adding a new person who she could reach out to once her baby was born if she wanted advice.
I don’t blame anyone for seeing a business opportunity but I wish moms weren’t so susceptible to accepting “expert” advice instead of actively working to connect with women ahead of them on the path.
Love what you said about her now having another person she could go to with advice, that is what is lost when we just use the internet (and now AI) for everything.
I think this might be my very favorite post of yours ever, Emily.
Working with women and supporting mothers to breastfeed for over four decades (not to mention my personal experience with my own babies) has taught me a lot about women and the society we all live in and most of it does not value or support the species-specific act of breastfeeding. That babies survive being fed only artificial baby milks does not prove that these are equal to breastfeeding, but that babies are remarkedly resilient and able to survive adverse circumstances. Surviving should not be equated with thriving however.
"Maybe we need to realize that there is only money to be made in dysfunction at every level; it’s hard to turn a profit from healthy relationships and interactions." Because breastfeeding is so much more than just an infant feeding choice; it is about building a lifelong relationship with your children.
And men do not need breastfeeding support as they are not evolutionarily designed to breastfeed, "There is only one way to make breast milk for babies. That is inside an Adult Human Female’s breast. It requires no technology, no extra work on her part and no male input. Except for the love and support that most partners/dads so willingly give to the mothers of their beloved children." https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/all-that-glitters-is-not-gold
Thank you Lucy, and thank you for understanding my overall meaning not as a criticism of moms that pump but of the meager offerings of pumps and classes as an illustration of how devalued breastfeeding and mothering is.
I know with your experience of mother to mother support, you of all people have seen how this plays out in the community!
Another factor in insidiously inserting an expectation of pumping is that the need to have a maternity leave policy is gone because "we gave you a pump, what more do you expect?" And there is no need for a rational breastfeeding policy if pumping and breastfeeding are considered to be the same.
The relationship angle (which is actually the most important part of breastfeeding) is gone when women are expected to have their primary loyalty to a machine, rather than to their babies.
Pumps are tools, which can work for good (breast milk for babies who can't latch) or bad (sorry, LLL USA, pumping is not breastfeeding).
Yes to all of these points. I just now saw a video on IG with a woman yelling “combo feeding is breastfeeding! Pumping is breastfeeding!” and I was just like…but it’s not. It’s not and it is okay that it’s not but let’s not pretend it is because it matters, for the reason you stated here.
Love this. Got rid of all but my haaka for engorgement relief for this baby and feel great about it. The only use my pump had last time was trying to induce labor.
I love that! Mine got a few days of play to relieve some engorgement too, I got rid of the Hakka I had and forgot to get another one. I would just hand express but I’m horrible at it 🤣
My pump is in my basement for emergencies. I had a feeling about this with my first and pumped much less than was urged on me, but Leila Lawler was the first person I ever heard say anything about it.
I asked for and took advice from a variety of women, before I figured out how to make breastfeeding work. What worked for me was slightly unconventional: I would support the breast with one hand while the baby drank. I have not seen anyone else do this but it helped us with latch etc.
My motivation for sticking with it till I figured it out was simple: my daughters very obviously preferred and wanted the breast. There was a bit of a fuss over my eldest because she was “small for gestational age” when born. (I found this silly as even though I knew nothing much about newborns, it was obvious to me there was nothing wrong with her). For the the first couple days of her outside life, doctors and nurses closely monitored how much she ate. At one point, they tried to supplement with formula. I tried to give it to her as I just wanted what was best for my baby. She spat it out; she wanted nothing to do with it. So I kept experimenting with breastfeeding till I figured it out. Once I did, it was perfect for both of us.
My younger daughter latched on enthusiastically a few minutes after she was born. Not much of a learning curve there, though there was a hairy 24 hours where she cluster fed and I briefly thought I would lose my mind. But then we settled into a routine.
Not being able to go inside anyone’s body or mind, I don’t want to judge another’s experience. My experience though backs up what you say: time and just enough in person support are what matters if there are not physical/neurological complications. If there is anything that should be political here, it is supporting ample maternity leave for women. Separating a 6 week or 3 month or even 6 month old baby from their mother sounds cruel to me. I don’t see any way to justify that. Give mothers time. This would also likely help ease anxiety.
I did use breast pumps after my daughters were a few months old, so I could have a stash if I wanted to leave them for a few hours with a grandparent. Neither much liked bottles ever but would drink some milk from it. While breastfeeding was lovely and intimate and feminine, pumping felt ridiculous and uncomfortable. I was lucky that for us it was a luxury, never had to be a necessity. I can’t imagine doing such a thing at work, personally.
“Give mothers time”! That really sums it all up quite concisely. Also I’m laughing because I recently had a 24 hour bout of cluster feeding that made me question all of what I know about breastfeeding and babies and myself 🤣 there were many tears shed. But that’s just it—it was hard and then it wasn’t, and this is a very common pattern. Many first time mothers don’t know this and it is well within another woman’s scope to be the one to tell her that sort of thing is normal and will get easier. We just simply don’t need experts for that sort of thing.
Pumping *definitely* turns breastfeeding into a chore. I pumped for my first for a variety of reasons that were largely preventable and then weren’t, and I hated sitting down with that thing. But with my second I so so enjoy sitting down to nurse him. Such a pleasant experience!
I still remember struggling to stay away and listening to the sound of the pump multiple times a night, feeling so guilty when I slept through an alarm to get up and pump, and constantly worrying about the volume when I had to pump with my first child, I really hated it too.
So, so glad you were able to have a more easeful experience with your second!
This post is such a breath of fresh air and everything I wish I could say out loud. I just had my second child 8 weeks ago and have barely touched the pump but for some reason that feels… *forbidden*
As if postpartum isn’t allowed to be this easy.
I had so many feeding issues with my first (which were *miraculously* solved when I stopped forcing a “schedule” and just fed him on demand) that I assumed it would be that way again. Fast forward, and I’m still nursing my 18 month old in addition to my new 8 week old baby and I feel like a superhero! There’s no better pump than a toddler. I have a few bags of milk in the freezer from some panicked pumping sessions where my old anxiety had creeped in, but they still sit there 8 weeks later and I have no lingering thoughts that I need to “build my stash”. It’s the most freeing feeling in the world.
I think it’s worth noting that our obsession with productivity and quantifying things likely contributes to pumping culture as well. I know several women who have no difficulties with nursing but still pump and then give a bottle so that they “know how much baby is getting”. They then log it into an app (that they pay for). It’s like there’s this career-focused thought of “if I can’t see it, then how will I know if I’m being productive?!” I think that leads to a lot of burn out and resentment around breastfeeding. It’s admittedly hard in the beginning because you’re doing something you’ve never done before. People stick around for YEARS at a job they hate just to get a paycheck, but they quit breastfeeding after a few weeks.
I feel incredibly blessed to have a mother-in-law who nursed both her sons well past 2 years old. She was such a wise guide in my second postpartum journey. Never did she pushily ask if she could feed the baby. In fact, the whole idea of pumping was alien and strange to her. If she ever felt engorgement “back in her day” she would just hand express. Instead, she sat next to me while I tandem nursed, lovingly gazing at us and whispering words of encouragement. No Google search or in-app purchase could ever give me that kind of support.
Oh Claire your story about your mother in law made me tear up! That is so lovely and such a gift to you as you give another gift to your children, how special.
Loving that you are tandem nursing as well, I have been nursing for the last five and a half years through three babies now so I am very much there with you although I am only nursing one now. Another thing so special.
And yes to the pedestaling of quantification. It’s a problem in many areas of the childbearing continuum really, and such a good thing to have critical eyes on.
Congratulations on your baby as well! My baby is just over 8 weeks as well, their birthdays must be close 💕
Thank you! She was born on May 16th. I will admit that I've been following you on Instagram and Substack since I was in my third trimester. I stumbled across your post on small homes while panicking over the idea of having two kids in a two-bedroom apartment. Your writing was so beautiful, and when I saw the other topics you were posting about, I was hooked. I've been romanticizing our little place ever since. We're not cramped, just *European*. All of this to say that I knew you were having a baby around the same time as me, so I've been lurking from afar-- congratulations to you, as well!
I do hope to one day be a sort of wise woman for my future grandchildren, but I also try to be that for women now, if I can. I attended a postpartum support group at our birth center with a focus on lactation, and it was one of the most useful experiences for me. All of these women coming together, exhausted and vulnerable, but with an almost stubborn determination to make breastfeeding work. Some of the most helpful advice came from second-time moms or moms whose babies were just a few months older than mine. So now I'm attending that same support group, not necessarily for the breastfeeding help, but so I can pay it forward.
I love so much that you are still going to that group to share what you have learned! What a wonderful commitment.
And thank you for following along, I am so glad that essay was helpful in that way, I wrote it for myself as a reminder that I needed as well. My baby was born on May 9th, they are just a week apart, how sweet! Hoping you are enjoying your postpartum time 💕
Such powerful knowledge on the realities of what mothers are facing. Once I witnessed my friend pull up from work, breast pump attached, cause she had to pump while driving or she wouldn’t have time to complete "the second shift." At first I thought it was genius of her to make her impossible time constraints work. Later, I looked at it with sadness and rage at our male supremacist culture that makes it this way.
There is also the issue of all of the plastic use involved in pumping, storage, and feeding, and even worse reheating the milk essentially pasteurizes it and kills off the good bacteria needed to cultivate the baby's gut.
Such good points, a lot of waste and a lot of diminishing of benefits. So not only taking away the relationships but also some of what makes breastmilk so unique. Still worlds better than formula but acknowledging these facts should help us to recognize what we are being asked to give up when our jobs give us pumps to get us back in the office or wherever.
I resonate with all of this. I appreciate your work and love how this comment section turned into women sharing their experiences, so I'll share mine.
I had a little bit of a roundabout experience compared to what you describe (but think that I may just be an outlier...hopefully?). I read one breastfeeding book, but had a traditional midwife who had breastfed 14 babies (and told me not to worry about finding a LC before the baby was born because she would help) and a sister who had breastfed 4. I kind of assumed I was covered and would get the mother to mother advice I expected. Once baby was born, we struggled with getting a good latch on one side, and he completely refused the other. The book did not prepare me for this...it just explained what a good latch was but had no troubleshooting advice or how to, and said if it hurt, the latch was bad. Period. The two mothers kind of just shrugged over him not taking the one side, saying, "how odd", and things like "yeah, it does hurt sometimes". I love them and their support otherwise has been wonderful, but I was a little disappointed as I felt the ideal you describe of mother to mother learning was what I had.
So I found a certified LC, (not IBLLC due to red tape slowing things down). I told her I did not want to pump or use a bottle. She took one look at my feeding and just said, "It looks like tension" and referred me to a PT who does cranial fascial. The the LC proceeded to buy me a hand pump and lend me an electric and tell me how I should pump the side he was not taking EVERY TWO HOURS including OVERNIGHT!!! The insanity of it all. She gave no help on the latch. She obviously was not very competent. The PT helped minimally.
The only thing that actually worked was watching a bunch of videos by IBLLCs online. The best was one that explained the latching reflex and how the baby is designed to latch if your cues are done in the right order. I had been told to put the nipple on his upper lip, but that made him chomp the nipple without opening wide. Rather I learned that you put the baby's chin on the boob and then aim the nipple towards his nose, then he will open wide instinctively. Problem solved. Then also - don't put your hand on the back of his head - he will push away as it is the reflex to prevent suffocation. That immediately solved the problem of him not taking one side. That is was a certified LC should have been able tot each me, no? Instead, I had to turn to the online "village" of YouTube, i.e. Google. Great.
I wish I had seen those videos or learned about the latch reflex before birth. I wish someone had said, rather than "it hurts sometimes," and "yeah nipples bleed", instead "it often hurts at first because both mom and baby are LEARNING how to do it, so give yourselves some grace, the pain will end, and in the meantime, here are some actual tips on how to put the baby to the breast in a way that matches his reflex." From reading reddits, most people's babies seem to figure it out by 6 weeks - so there is an end in sight.
I think what I learned from my experience is that if I had a village of moms around me who had all breastfed, the amalgamation of their advice would have helped. But advice from just two mothers and one "expert" is not the same. The "expert's" quickness to shove a pump in my hands was just insulting and goes along with what your article is saying. She probably would be really sad to learn that she is part of the problem. She was a very nice and generous person, but incompetent.
The second thing I learned is that mothers need to be persistent in this society to achieve breastfeeding should they have challenges. I am lucky to be a SAHM who prioritizes EBF. But many women would just then turn to pumping or even formula if they went through a certified LC like mine (and ESPECIALLY if they had to eventually return to work - I mean if you are going to have to pump later anyways...).
My friend is trying to have a baby, and will need to return to work, but I am truly looking forward to being able to be there for her with my mother advice if she has challenges on her journey.
Gosh reading this I literally was saying “nose to nipple” in my head and I cannot tell you how many women I have told about the not putting the hand on the back of the head thing! I think what can be difficult with mother to mother advice is that we forget things. We forget the little specifics and if a mom isn’t currently in a season of nursing she may have forgotten those things or even just not have the language for it. But just as there are unhelpful friends and family, so too are there unhelpful professionals. I’m sorry that it sounds like you had both!
What you said about women needing/having to be persistent is the truth. It really just is the current state of things, and until we have all of those things I mentioned at the end of the article as solutions, it does fall on us to be steadfast and persevere for what we know we want for ourselves and our babies. I love (so much) how you are looking forward to being that mother to mother support for your friend which will surely help her be persistent too, should she need it.
Seriously!! I still have my pump in case of emergencies but I haven't used it for my last 3 babies. I have one of those little manual ones but I only use that one on long car trips (when we stop, I feed the baby and collect an ounce or two on the side not being nursed, to have something to give her in between stops). It's funny how freeing it is to commit to 100% just regular nursing.
The moment my midwives for my second baby signed me up for a breastfeeding class and urged me to buy formula before my birthing time, I knew our relationship was over.
No woman in my family breastfed since my great-great grandmother and I naively thought I could easily breastfeed my first without any help. Well within the first few days I realized I was so so wrong. My baby wouldn’t latch and was endlessly screaming, my midwife told me to give him mashed potatoes as she had never breastfed her baby either. Nobody ever mentioned a tongue tie until he was a year old. I tried pumping but it was like I had time travelled to the dark ages, just sitting there waiting for a few drops to come out felt like torture. I bought formula and cried for the breastfeeding relationship I so desperately wanted.
My second latched immediately after being born. She’s been the easiest feeder and we’re still going strong at 21 months!
My relationship with my second is so different than my first. I know breastfeeding plays a huge part in that and I can’t help but feel guilty about it sometimes. My son will stop what he’s doing and run in to watch me breastfeed his little sister, he gushes “she’s SO cute!” and loves to take pictures of us. There’s something healing for him here too.
I read something somewhere (mom brain) that said the truth is like death. I know how uncomfortable it can make other mothers to share the truths that have come to me through my daughter.
My cousin had her first baby the year after my second was born. I reached out to her and told her that I would be happy to talk her through anything, especially breastfeeding. She lives in a big city with a powerful career and turned to the pump and professionals, her only issue was some pain with latching in the first few days. I’ve come to realize that the women with all the titles don’t want advice from rural mothers. The first time we met her baby (that we weren’t allowed to hold or touch) she was pumping while dad had baby strapped to his chest. To this day her baby prefers dad and is inconsolable with his own mother. It breaks my heart to witness.
I love so much what found about your son taking photos of you nursing your daughter and how that is healing for him too. That is really sweet. Your midwife suggesting mashed potatoes is crazy! Goes to show that not all birth workers know about lactation.
I actually had a really hard time with my first, and even went to a hospital lactation consultant and no one ever mentioned a tongue tie either, which was absolutely the source of the pain I was having and the supply issues due to poor latch. I can see that in retrospect now, but I had to pump and supplement with her until it didn’t hurt anymore, which took months. I think tongue ties can be not a big deal at all too, it seems the diagnosis of them is another trend in and of itself, but when they are bad they are bad and need attention. I’m sorry no one helped you with that.
It is interesting what you said about your cousin and the fact that she doesn’t want your advice, I would say that her reaching straight for the professionals as a professional type herself (it sounds like?) is a good example of how it is also a trend to use them as the first line. After all, the IBCLC title is a fairly new profession that is looking to legitimize itself and has really done the governing bodies of that title have really done groundwork to make it seem like the best choice. I say this as a CLC and RN who could sit and take the exam tomorrow should I want to shell out 700 dollars to do so. I choose not to because I would rather stay within the realm of mother to mother support because I believe in it so much. They have their place, and do good work, but to fix a simple latch issue or help with positioning, etc, other women are perfectly qualified. It’s just another example of the increased monetization of basic biological knowledge.
A few weeks ago, I wrote on my Substack: I admit to laughing when... preparing for the arrival of her first baby, spoke of paying (PAYING!) for a video tutorial on how to swaddle a baby. That information used to be passed on by mothers, aunts, sisters, and neighbors. The technical know-how was accompanied by companionship, warmth, and solidarity. Yet, none of those imparting information would have labeled themselves as “expert baby-swaddler.” How much was lost by learning through a video rather than through human connection.
You are bringing a stronger example of this problem and adding the "successful womanhood means working" aspect. Thank you.
Oh gosh! Thank you for this Susan! I have taught so many new moms and dads how to swaddle at work (ironic since I never really swaddle my own babies!)and it is actually one of my favorite parts of my job, along with teaching how to do baby baths, help with nursing, how to burp, etc.
Makes me wonder how necessary it would have been in the past when people were generally raised around more infants and had more siblings they inevitably helped to care for.
On the other side of your example, can you imagine being the person who decides to charge for such simple information?! I suppose if there is a need, it is fair game, but I just cannot imagine feeling the need to charge!
I got pushback from a reader saying that too many moms don’t have that mother, aunt, sister or neighbor anymore. That’s a fair comment. But I once had a nine-month pregnant friend of a sister come to watch me bathe an infant. Had a video been available that would have been easier and probably more comfortable rather than coming to a stranger’s house (and bathroom). But I think she received more by helping me as well as adding a new person who she could reach out to once her baby was born if she wanted advice.
I don’t blame anyone for seeing a business opportunity but I wish moms weren’t so susceptible to accepting “expert” advice instead of actively working to connect with women ahead of them on the path.
Love what you said about her now having another person she could go to with advice, that is what is lost when we just use the internet (and now AI) for everything.
I think this might be my very favorite post of yours ever, Emily.
Working with women and supporting mothers to breastfeed for over four decades (not to mention my personal experience with my own babies) has taught me a lot about women and the society we all live in and most of it does not value or support the species-specific act of breastfeeding. That babies survive being fed only artificial baby milks does not prove that these are equal to breastfeeding, but that babies are remarkedly resilient and able to survive adverse circumstances. Surviving should not be equated with thriving however.
Here is a post about eliminating women from breast milk production: https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/the-final-frontier-human-milk-without
"Maybe we need to realize that there is only money to be made in dysfunction at every level; it’s hard to turn a profit from healthy relationships and interactions." Because breastfeeding is so much more than just an infant feeding choice; it is about building a lifelong relationship with your children.
And men do not need breastfeeding support as they are not evolutionarily designed to breastfeed, "There is only one way to make breast milk for babies. That is inside an Adult Human Female’s breast. It requires no technology, no extra work on her part and no male input. Except for the love and support that most partners/dads so willingly give to the mothers of their beloved children." https://lucyleader.substack.com/p/all-that-glitters-is-not-gold
Thank you Lucy, and thank you for understanding my overall meaning not as a criticism of moms that pump but of the meager offerings of pumps and classes as an illustration of how devalued breastfeeding and mothering is.
I know with your experience of mother to mother support, you of all people have seen how this plays out in the community!
Another factor in insidiously inserting an expectation of pumping is that the need to have a maternity leave policy is gone because "we gave you a pump, what more do you expect?" And there is no need for a rational breastfeeding policy if pumping and breastfeeding are considered to be the same.
The relationship angle (which is actually the most important part of breastfeeding) is gone when women are expected to have their primary loyalty to a machine, rather than to their babies.
Pumps are tools, which can work for good (breast milk for babies who can't latch) or bad (sorry, LLL USA, pumping is not breastfeeding).
Yes to all of these points. I just now saw a video on IG with a woman yelling “combo feeding is breastfeeding! Pumping is breastfeeding!” and I was just like…but it’s not. It’s not and it is okay that it’s not but let’s not pretend it is because it matters, for the reason you stated here.
You would appreciate this from Leah Libresco Sargeant from a few years back, which dovetails well: https://comment.org/designing-woman/
Ah I should've checked before I commented! And should've known you'd also remember this piece!
It’s the Life Considered way 🤣
Oh thank you Haley!
If it can’t be monetized, is it even real?
/s
Right? This is like the monetization of mother-baby separation.
The enshittification of the circle of life.
Brought to you with limited interruptions by Disney 🙀
Love this. Got rid of all but my haaka for engorgement relief for this baby and feel great about it. The only use my pump had last time was trying to induce labor.
I love that! Mine got a few days of play to relieve some engorgement too, I got rid of the Hakka I had and forgot to get another one. I would just hand express but I’m horrible at it 🤣
My pump is in my basement for emergencies. I had a feeling about this with my first and pumped much less than was urged on me, but Leila Lawler was the first person I ever heard say anything about it.
I asked for and took advice from a variety of women, before I figured out how to make breastfeeding work. What worked for me was slightly unconventional: I would support the breast with one hand while the baby drank. I have not seen anyone else do this but it helped us with latch etc.
My motivation for sticking with it till I figured it out was simple: my daughters very obviously preferred and wanted the breast. There was a bit of a fuss over my eldest because she was “small for gestational age” when born. (I found this silly as even though I knew nothing much about newborns, it was obvious to me there was nothing wrong with her). For the the first couple days of her outside life, doctors and nurses closely monitored how much she ate. At one point, they tried to supplement with formula. I tried to give it to her as I just wanted what was best for my baby. She spat it out; she wanted nothing to do with it. So I kept experimenting with breastfeeding till I figured it out. Once I did, it was perfect for both of us.
My younger daughter latched on enthusiastically a few minutes after she was born. Not much of a learning curve there, though there was a hairy 24 hours where she cluster fed and I briefly thought I would lose my mind. But then we settled into a routine.
Not being able to go inside anyone’s body or mind, I don’t want to judge another’s experience. My experience though backs up what you say: time and just enough in person support are what matters if there are not physical/neurological complications. If there is anything that should be political here, it is supporting ample maternity leave for women. Separating a 6 week or 3 month or even 6 month old baby from their mother sounds cruel to me. I don’t see any way to justify that. Give mothers time. This would also likely help ease anxiety.
I did use breast pumps after my daughters were a few months old, so I could have a stash if I wanted to leave them for a few hours with a grandparent. Neither much liked bottles ever but would drink some milk from it. While breastfeeding was lovely and intimate and feminine, pumping felt ridiculous and uncomfortable. I was lucky that for us it was a luxury, never had to be a necessity. I can’t imagine doing such a thing at work, personally.
“Give mothers time”! That really sums it all up quite concisely. Also I’m laughing because I recently had a 24 hour bout of cluster feeding that made me question all of what I know about breastfeeding and babies and myself 🤣 there were many tears shed. But that’s just it—it was hard and then it wasn’t, and this is a very common pattern. Many first time mothers don’t know this and it is well within another woman’s scope to be the one to tell her that sort of thing is normal and will get easier. We just simply don’t need experts for that sort of thing.
re: breast pumps as baby substitute, I'm recalling this Leah Libresco Sargeant piece from 2022 https://comment.org/designing-woman/
Thank you! Have it open as one of my 50+ tabs 😆
Pumping *definitely* turns breastfeeding into a chore. I pumped for my first for a variety of reasons that were largely preventable and then weren’t, and I hated sitting down with that thing. But with my second I so so enjoy sitting down to nurse him. Such a pleasant experience!
I still remember struggling to stay away and listening to the sound of the pump multiple times a night, feeling so guilty when I slept through an alarm to get up and pump, and constantly worrying about the volume when I had to pump with my first child, I really hated it too.
So, so glad you were able to have a more easeful experience with your second!
Wow! This was incredibly affirming and summarizes a lot of the thoughts I’ve privately had. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading!
This post is such a breath of fresh air and everything I wish I could say out loud. I just had my second child 8 weeks ago and have barely touched the pump but for some reason that feels… *forbidden*
As if postpartum isn’t allowed to be this easy.
I had so many feeding issues with my first (which were *miraculously* solved when I stopped forcing a “schedule” and just fed him on demand) that I assumed it would be that way again. Fast forward, and I’m still nursing my 18 month old in addition to my new 8 week old baby and I feel like a superhero! There’s no better pump than a toddler. I have a few bags of milk in the freezer from some panicked pumping sessions where my old anxiety had creeped in, but they still sit there 8 weeks later and I have no lingering thoughts that I need to “build my stash”. It’s the most freeing feeling in the world.
I think it’s worth noting that our obsession with productivity and quantifying things likely contributes to pumping culture as well. I know several women who have no difficulties with nursing but still pump and then give a bottle so that they “know how much baby is getting”. They then log it into an app (that they pay for). It’s like there’s this career-focused thought of “if I can’t see it, then how will I know if I’m being productive?!” I think that leads to a lot of burn out and resentment around breastfeeding. It’s admittedly hard in the beginning because you’re doing something you’ve never done before. People stick around for YEARS at a job they hate just to get a paycheck, but they quit breastfeeding after a few weeks.
I feel incredibly blessed to have a mother-in-law who nursed both her sons well past 2 years old. She was such a wise guide in my second postpartum journey. Never did she pushily ask if she could feed the baby. In fact, the whole idea of pumping was alien and strange to her. If she ever felt engorgement “back in her day” she would just hand express. Instead, she sat next to me while I tandem nursed, lovingly gazing at us and whispering words of encouragement. No Google search or in-app purchase could ever give me that kind of support.
Oh Claire your story about your mother in law made me tear up! That is so lovely and such a gift to you as you give another gift to your children, how special.
Loving that you are tandem nursing as well, I have been nursing for the last five and a half years through three babies now so I am very much there with you although I am only nursing one now. Another thing so special.
And yes to the pedestaling of quantification. It’s a problem in many areas of the childbearing continuum really, and such a good thing to have critical eyes on.
Congratulations on your baby as well! My baby is just over 8 weeks as well, their birthdays must be close 💕
Thank you! She was born on May 16th. I will admit that I've been following you on Instagram and Substack since I was in my third trimester. I stumbled across your post on small homes while panicking over the idea of having two kids in a two-bedroom apartment. Your writing was so beautiful, and when I saw the other topics you were posting about, I was hooked. I've been romanticizing our little place ever since. We're not cramped, just *European*. All of this to say that I knew you were having a baby around the same time as me, so I've been lurking from afar-- congratulations to you, as well!
I do hope to one day be a sort of wise woman for my future grandchildren, but I also try to be that for women now, if I can. I attended a postpartum support group at our birth center with a focus on lactation, and it was one of the most useful experiences for me. All of these women coming together, exhausted and vulnerable, but with an almost stubborn determination to make breastfeeding work. Some of the most helpful advice came from second-time moms or moms whose babies were just a few months older than mine. So now I'm attending that same support group, not necessarily for the breastfeeding help, but so I can pay it forward.
I love so much that you are still going to that group to share what you have learned! What a wonderful commitment.
And thank you for following along, I am so glad that essay was helpful in that way, I wrote it for myself as a reminder that I needed as well. My baby was born on May 9th, they are just a week apart, how sweet! Hoping you are enjoying your postpartum time 💕
Such powerful knowledge on the realities of what mothers are facing. Once I witnessed my friend pull up from work, breast pump attached, cause she had to pump while driving or she wouldn’t have time to complete "the second shift." At first I thought it was genius of her to make her impossible time constraints work. Later, I looked at it with sadness and rage at our male supremacist culture that makes it this way.
I have definitely done this exact thing and absolutely resented it.
There is also the issue of all of the plastic use involved in pumping, storage, and feeding, and even worse reheating the milk essentially pasteurizes it and kills off the good bacteria needed to cultivate the baby's gut.
Such good points, a lot of waste and a lot of diminishing of benefits. So not only taking away the relationships but also some of what makes breastmilk so unique. Still worlds better than formula but acknowledging these facts should help us to recognize what we are being asked to give up when our jobs give us pumps to get us back in the office or wherever.
Today’s Mass reading was from the Book of the Prophet Isaiah (66:10-14c)
Thus says the Lord:
Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad because of her,
all you who love her;
exult, exult with her,
all you who were mourning over her!
Oh, that you may suck fully
of the milk of her comfort,
that you may nurse with delight
at her abundant breasts!
Beautiful! Thank you Chris!
I resonate with all of this. I appreciate your work and love how this comment section turned into women sharing their experiences, so I'll share mine.
I had a little bit of a roundabout experience compared to what you describe (but think that I may just be an outlier...hopefully?). I read one breastfeeding book, but had a traditional midwife who had breastfed 14 babies (and told me not to worry about finding a LC before the baby was born because she would help) and a sister who had breastfed 4. I kind of assumed I was covered and would get the mother to mother advice I expected. Once baby was born, we struggled with getting a good latch on one side, and he completely refused the other. The book did not prepare me for this...it just explained what a good latch was but had no troubleshooting advice or how to, and said if it hurt, the latch was bad. Period. The two mothers kind of just shrugged over him not taking the one side, saying, "how odd", and things like "yeah, it does hurt sometimes". I love them and their support otherwise has been wonderful, but I was a little disappointed as I felt the ideal you describe of mother to mother learning was what I had.
So I found a certified LC, (not IBLLC due to red tape slowing things down). I told her I did not want to pump or use a bottle. She took one look at my feeding and just said, "It looks like tension" and referred me to a PT who does cranial fascial. The the LC proceeded to buy me a hand pump and lend me an electric and tell me how I should pump the side he was not taking EVERY TWO HOURS including OVERNIGHT!!! The insanity of it all. She gave no help on the latch. She obviously was not very competent. The PT helped minimally.
The only thing that actually worked was watching a bunch of videos by IBLLCs online. The best was one that explained the latching reflex and how the baby is designed to latch if your cues are done in the right order. I had been told to put the nipple on his upper lip, but that made him chomp the nipple without opening wide. Rather I learned that you put the baby's chin on the boob and then aim the nipple towards his nose, then he will open wide instinctively. Problem solved. Then also - don't put your hand on the back of his head - he will push away as it is the reflex to prevent suffocation. That immediately solved the problem of him not taking one side. That is was a certified LC should have been able tot each me, no? Instead, I had to turn to the online "village" of YouTube, i.e. Google. Great.
I wish I had seen those videos or learned about the latch reflex before birth. I wish someone had said, rather than "it hurts sometimes," and "yeah nipples bleed", instead "it often hurts at first because both mom and baby are LEARNING how to do it, so give yourselves some grace, the pain will end, and in the meantime, here are some actual tips on how to put the baby to the breast in a way that matches his reflex." From reading reddits, most people's babies seem to figure it out by 6 weeks - so there is an end in sight.
I think what I learned from my experience is that if I had a village of moms around me who had all breastfed, the amalgamation of their advice would have helped. But advice from just two mothers and one "expert" is not the same. The "expert's" quickness to shove a pump in my hands was just insulting and goes along with what your article is saying. She probably would be really sad to learn that she is part of the problem. She was a very nice and generous person, but incompetent.
The second thing I learned is that mothers need to be persistent in this society to achieve breastfeeding should they have challenges. I am lucky to be a SAHM who prioritizes EBF. But many women would just then turn to pumping or even formula if they went through a certified LC like mine (and ESPECIALLY if they had to eventually return to work - I mean if you are going to have to pump later anyways...).
My friend is trying to have a baby, and will need to return to work, but I am truly looking forward to being able to be there for her with my mother advice if she has challenges on her journey.
Gosh reading this I literally was saying “nose to nipple” in my head and I cannot tell you how many women I have told about the not putting the hand on the back of the head thing! I think what can be difficult with mother to mother advice is that we forget things. We forget the little specifics and if a mom isn’t currently in a season of nursing she may have forgotten those things or even just not have the language for it. But just as there are unhelpful friends and family, so too are there unhelpful professionals. I’m sorry that it sounds like you had both!
What you said about women needing/having to be persistent is the truth. It really just is the current state of things, and until we have all of those things I mentioned at the end of the article as solutions, it does fall on us to be steadfast and persevere for what we know we want for ourselves and our babies. I love (so much) how you are looking forward to being that mother to mother support for your friend which will surely help her be persistent too, should she need it.
Seriously!! I still have my pump in case of emergencies but I haven't used it for my last 3 babies. I have one of those little manual ones but I only use that one on long car trips (when we stop, I feed the baby and collect an ounce or two on the side not being nursed, to have something to give her in between stops). It's funny how freeing it is to commit to 100% just regular nursing.
I love that last sentence, it really is true. A lot of freedom in surrendering to our design!