My youngest of three just finished high school. My older two were in school, one for kindergarten and one through third grade. My oldest is four years into the work world after graduating from college with a BFA, my middle child has a year to go on her BS and works on an ambulance. My youngest is heading to a state school in a month.
I hate to tell you, but I think for most of us, what you describe with your daughter *is* home schooling, not failing at home schooling -- even the returns to a school setting. It is inherent in the choice, this back and forth, up and down, in and out scramble. It's the feature and the bug, being able to pivot when you learn one thing to the next situation that you will learn from, and in a lot of ways that is one of the big things home educated kids can get good at by watching -- change.
It's not that I don't know folks who went Bob Jones or Seton K-12, I do. But they are the exceptions and they definitely don't stand out as the ones whose kids are best served by the schooling they got.
Am I happy with the turmoil and ups and downs, the inconsistency and shortfalls, the mistakes and "what was I thinking" moments? Really very much not. But I remind myself that I didn't get to pick between several different ideals (public, private, home), I got to pick between three imperfections. I got the good and bad of the one we picked, as did my kids.
I suppose my own experience of going to the same public school district K-12 is very much in contrast with what my daughter experienced with the back and forths and changes so that is a factor in my perception of what “failure” is. I don’t mean to say anyone else who has had to make a lot of changes is failing, I think when I used that word it was more in reference to my difficulty with providing order and routine due to the more physically pressing needs of smaller children. I very much feel there was plenty of imperfection there but there also is out in the world in either private or public school, and I know this. There is no perfect choice, but there are more appropriate choices for individual children and situations and I am learning this. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
You know, I came back to erase my comment in case it sounded critical. It was meant to be the opposite.
I think it is also rare now for an American child to be in the same district her whole school career, so part of what you and I probably are juggling is that there are just some basic things from when we went to school (and I'm much older than you are) that, for better or worse, don't exist the same way any more. I don't know if I would have chosen to home school if my kids had been going into schools like the very imperfect ones I attended. We actually used two "preschool" programs and three different schools (neighborhood, magnet, charter) before switching when my oldest was 8. We never found one that even kept it to the level of dysfunction I saw in the 80s. It's a whole different animal today. So in many ways trying to educate our kids is a moving target and I think we need to acknowledge that to ourselves. In fact, in the years we've home schooled I've seen how much that "movement" or culture has changed, that's been pretty drastic also. I don't know, I guess we should all have coffee in 20 years and suss out how it went! :)
I didn’t read your comment as critical at all! It was informative and coming from somebody with so much more experience than I, very valuable. I also love the idea of having coffee!
I really agree about the moving target point as well. I worked as a school nurse and a public middle school a few years back for three years and honestly, that experience really influenced my choice to try homeschooling with my eldest and also my current choice to homeschool my younger children. It also seems that that target can be different for each individual child.
Thank you for this, it’s always interesting hearing about different people’s experiences with homeschooling (and schooling in general). Our kids are 2 and nearly 4, and we intend to homeschool. Though it’s not a decision we take lightly and we have tossed around many options, looked into all the alternative and independent schools—but always come back to homeschooling as our first choice. We are willing to pivot as the kids grow and their needs evolve, but we’re going to give it a go! I will be looking up the curriculums you mentioned 🙏🏽
Oh wonderful, I’m glad you found it helpful! The fact that you always come back to it as your first choice is a good sign that it is for you. Best of luck as you navigate it all ♥️
Mothering is my vocation. Before children being a wife and a homemaker was my vocation, but since God gave us children my calling expanded...a lot.
Homeschooling is part of that calling, for an incredible variety of reasons.
Physical: food, sleep, exercise
Mental: slow, steady, capability - appropriate start to formal education, protection of innocence,
Emotional: bullies, exposure to evil, gentleness,
Spiritual: my children are not depended from animals. We were created in the imagine of a Living God. All ppl are. This is a massive foundation lie that taints every school subject with a deathly spark.
The list is expansive....far more than I can write in a comment. 😆
We are implementing more Charlotte Mason principles this year, more order, more structure and less busy / doing. I'm really looking forward to our school year, and seeing what we can accomplish as we grow together as a family! This is the first year we will not be building a house since the 4 year old was born, and that means my husband will be far more involved and THANK GOD. It's going to be 🔥🔥fire🔥🔥
I hope homeschooling goes well for you if you try it again. I was homeschooled for many years; I have mixed feelings about it and can’t really make generalized statements as a result.
The friends I made as a young adult think I was enormously lucky to “skip” middle school (they suffered there) but I don’t know; I struggled a lot at home at that age too. I attended high school for my last two years, then post secondary after that.
As a parent I would prefer my children go to school but if something really awful was going on at school that would obviously change the picture.
I have a very unromantic view of education. I think in the early grades children need to learn how to read, do basic math and interact with other children. If they can read, they can teach themselves a lot. If they can do basic math, higher level math will be more accessible. If they can get along with other kids, they can build positive relationships.
I may have this view because my homeschool background, I don’t know. It seems to me if you set kids in the right direction with some basic, healthy skills, life develops in fractal, beautiful ways.
I appreciate your perspective here Síochána, especially as somebody who was homeschooled herself. I agree about the basics and that is where most of our focus will be. We will reassess as we go and a big part of me expects they will end up in school by middle school, these years are so hard (I remember it myself!).
I think older kids also benefit from being able to explore more variety and depth of learning in school, as well as extra-curriculars. It depends on what is available in schools of course, and the quality of teachers and programs.
As a general orientation, I support other people being partners in nurturing my children. So far, I assume competence until proven otherwise. I hope I can continue to do so.
I too worry about the ridiculous ideas my children will be exposed to, while knowing that I can’t fully prevent it. I really appreciate that my parents always clearly explained their values, so I understood them even if I didn’t always agree. We try to do that in our home as well. I also think it is necessary to draw a line what is acceptable or not. Children need to know how to say No to things that they know or sense are wrong, and I’m not sure people actually learn how to do that if their parents haven’t modeled the Hard No.
Love what you said about “modeling the hard no” here, I had to do just that today and it sure is hard, but I am relying on the thought that it will be worth it one day.
"boys need male figures teaching them" 100% esp as they get older. Mom knows best when their younger but I don't have a clue about "man stuff" lol. My husband and I made the deal that I get to make all the final decisions from 0-5 and he gets all the final decisions past that. This also helps him respect and lean on my authority and perspective as the mother during the most inner-formative years, and me lean on his expertise in manhood and interacting outside the home during the most outter-formative years.
I really enjoyed this piece from you and it brought up a lot for me. I was public schooled and my younger sister was homeschooled on a computer. I was definitely exposed to more worldly influences and I can see how this scares a lot of parents, but on the other hand my sister’s lack of exposure has made her very vulnerable and emotionally immature for her age.
When my son was 3 I enrolled him in a fancy waldorf preschool in California. You hit the nail on the head with the “airy” feeling I got there. It wasn’t right for us (15k a year for 3 half days a week) so I took him out after a few months. We moved back to our hometown in Florida and he started kindergarten in 2021 (no masks, contact tracing, etc.) He was actually in a study of unvaccinated children to find out if vaxxed kids were shedding from covid shots. We weren’t fond of the school system so I homeschooled him until we moved to our tiny farm 40mins away. I look back at this time as enjoyable, he would come with me to teach yoga and spend lots of time with his grandfather building. It was good until it wasn’t, he was acting out a lot at home and I realized he needed friends. I signed him up for 1st grade halfway through the year, his teacher was lovely and was a former montessori teacher. We watched him thrive here, against everything I had ever believed about the harms of public school.
Public school has actually been a blessing for us and I’m so glad my husband urged us to try it. My son is very confident in himself and his values, he tells us a story about some dumb/silly thing at school almost every day. He has consistently scored in the top 1% on standardized tests for 3 years straight. He knows more advanced math than myself and my husband do 😅
I take my son and daughter to a local mother’s group once a month. Every single time we are bombarded with questions about schooling, especially “will you homeschool your daughter?” And every time I say no actually, she’s very social and we would love her to go to school just like her big brother. This always receives shocked reactions from the other mothers (all of whom have only babies and toddlers, no big kids.) I was feeling pretty judged and annoyed until I received a WAPF journal and read this from Sally Fallon Morell “My one complaint is his diatribe against what he calls "compulsive" education, which makes a not very convincing argument that schooling is a "universal monopoly," which insidiously forces children to engage in activities of no interest to them, creating little apparatchiks for the New World Order. Actually, the idea of universal education did not start with socialists or industrialists but with the German Protestants of the Reformation, who believed that all children should learn to read the Bible. The aristocracy and the church opposed such a radical idea, believing that it would pave the way for rebellion—as indeed it did, leading to, for example, the German Peasants War of 1525, the first shot of the common man across the bow, eventually leading to the American Revolution.
Tom states that anyone can learn to read without schooling and gives as an example the American colonies, where a very high proportion of the population was literate in spite of not going to school. But they did go to school.
The Puritans and Protestants who settled in the colonies— at least in New England and Pennsylvania-believed strongly in education, and every village had its one-room school house.
As a former remedial reading teacher, I can tell you that very few children learn to read on their own; some learn very quickly while others require dedicated teaching... and it is a terrible thing to let a child or teenager out into the world not knowing how to read or do the rudiments of arithmetic. Even if we are "forcing" a child to learn, we have an obligation to ensure that all those who are able do learn to read. (Sadly, not all children are able.)
Published by Steiner Books, Common Sense Child Rearing looks to Rudolf Steiner for guidance in questions involving children and education. Tom quotes Steiner on the deadening effects of teaching reading before age seven (although the Montessori method argues for ages three to four as the best years for learning to read). The key, it seems to me, is teaching reading in a way that is fun and interesting-play-based learning, as Steiner would call it, particularly involving phonics and rhyming words. Otherwise, reading for the average student is just rote memory work.
Steiner had other interesting things to say about childhood education. For example, he believed that the classroom should provide an atmosphere similar to that of an upper middle class household, one that is colorful and organized, for children whose home lives might be drab and chaotic. He felt that children should be introduced to certain subjects at specific ages, for example, learning about the Greeks at age nine and the Romans at age twelve. He also spoke of the importance of young people having teachers whom they could admire and emulate teachers who were not their parents.
People are often shocked when I tell them that I am in favor of public schools. I am not in favor of homeschooling because it often means that children are spending too much time with their parents and often not having exposure to the wider world and children from different back-grounds. Of course, it is often not possible to put children in the local public schools —they may be too violent or too far away— but whenever possible, public schools can provide important experiences for children and adolescents— as with Tom's acquaintence with Willie (as mentioned in the book), a defining experience for him could not have happened except in a public school.
My own grandchildren, all in public schools, have had many valuable experiences they would not have had otherwise. One participated in engineering club in middle school, building bridges with popsicle sticks and making robots; another has excelled in chess at chess club; another learned samba dancing from his Hispanic teacher (which has made him the life of any party). My daughter-in-law attended a large midwestern high school-an institution the likes of which is found nowhere else in the world—and learned to play three instruments as part of the marching band. Team sports, chorus, drama, art —all are now available at most public high schools, as are the trades for those not wishing to continue to college. Many public high schools today offer carpentry, plumbing, electrical and auto mechanics-which can come in handy if you want to drop out of the rat race and be a homesteader.”
I really enjoyed reading this, and appreciate the vulnerability of your sharing these details. It's one of the most self-conscious aspects of parenting, being responsible for our children's good education.
First, you didn't fail. At all. All parents learn as they go with homeschooling, and it's very challenging. I understand slipping from the mindset of homeschooling because we cherish childhood to homeschooling because of fear of the outside world & resistance to public school system dogmas. Everything in life can be like this. Am I doing this because I am for it, or am I doing it because I'm against the alternative? Ultimately, what I mean to say is - your experience is fairly normal for homeschoolers (esp 1st gen) and actually not failure. You tried hard and you pivoted and adapted when it was required of you. That's gorgeous.
We have a 4 and -1 y old and we will be homeschooling. I was partially homeschooled as a child (public school ages 7-12, homeschool before and after). I think the earliest years of homeschool are about encouraging a love of learning; not necessarily getting hung up on WHAT they are learning, but helping them to explore their interests and curiosity so they can build confidence in their ability to explore a subject and learn. We should be teaching our children to read, count, write and play with numbers (early math can be very fun). Everything else is a bonus. Keeping our young children busy all day whilst teaching them some valuable skills is very difficult but for me the purpose of homeschooling at this stage is to preserve childhoods purity, magic & the development of their personalities.
From ages (approx) 8-12 we are tasked with more rigorous learning. They've learned to read, write and do basic maths by now. In my opinion, this is where education begins its 'unromantic period' but we can still tailor it to the child to some degree to make it relevant to their personhood. It's important to impose a bit of a schedule, choose an extra curricular outside the home (if you haven't already, and preferably drop-off, with leaders other than ourselves). After all; whimsy is a natural part of childhood, but structure/routine/schedules - that's a learned skill we need to help them with.
Beyond age 12, I think most families should be having a child-inclusive conversation about what the child needs and wants, and if homeschool is still appropriate. Many kids will practically educate themselves at this point. Learning/research and comprehension is a skill that many children can run with at this age. I did. I finished my education almost entirely by myself with nothing more than review, check-in and lesson planning with my mom. It was wonderful.
Anyway. Perhaps I will find time to write a similar story to this and share my experience and thoughts in more detail. I am ever-intimidated by the prospect of homeschooling my children but so, so enthusiastic about it and excited to learn as I go - as that is the only way.
Books: The Wild and Free
And the Skylark Sings With Me
Curriculum ages 2-5: Acorn to Oak Alphabet Forest - it's GREAT.
Afterthought - a lot of homeschool philosophies are so lackadaisical it can be difficult to know where to begin. It sounds like, reading this article and some comments, many of us crave more structure and security in that structure. That's good. Kids respond so well to structure, too, and when we are full-time-at-home parenting, well, we are already improvising to meet our child's needs ALL DAY EVERY DAY. We need some structure to prevent burnout and actually to protect and preserve the romance of our experience. This is a part of the work. Homeschool isn't about having zero structure: home education is beautiful because we can tailor the structure to our families needs and not worry about the parts that don't work for us. Even Captain Fantastic had a wild but extremely rigorous routine for his children!
I want to echo what others have commented: it really doesn't sound like you failed here! Are you typically hard on yourself? Haha. Truly, it sounds like you made the best decisions with the info you had in the moment, which is what most of us are trying to do.
I was homeschooled Gr. 4- Gr. 12 and I now homeschool my 7 and 5 year old (with a 1 year old and baby on the way). I wasn't intending to homeschool but the school system in my area is a disaster, frankly. I love homeschooling! It has been so much fun. We have made so many special memories together and I love watching my kids form strong bonds with each other.
I am inspired by many forms of education, but mostly classical, Charlotte Mason, and literature-based studies. I pick all sorts of curriculum, basically whatever gets me excited. We use Math With Confidence for math, Handwriting Without Tears for penmanship, Story of the World for history, and First Language Lessons for grammar. I do my own thing for reading, which is ballsy but it's worked so far lol. Then we do LOTS of read alouds from all sorts of books and engage with the reading in some way (narration, draw a picture, notebooking, discussion).
Thank you for this wonderfully honest article. I was homeschooled and I am now homeschooling, and I find that there is often a lack of real talk about the challenges of making homeschooling work or about what the experience can be like for the children involved. I fully agree that trying to create community for your kids is a necessary part of homeschooling and a lot of work, and I appreciate how honest you are about the ups and downs. I also resonated with the way you explore the gap between the real and ideal in homeschool visions and curriculums and resist the urge to point to the "right" curriculum as the answer. Finally, i loved your point that order is an expression of love--I'm going to keep that in mind as I struggle to keep our crowded apartment in some semblance of tidiness.
Hey Emily! I’ve been homeschooling for 9 years now, but up until several years ago, I had that niggling feeling that I was somehow failing my kids. I’m a former university professor and having that background meant I didn’t feel exactly patient or equipped to teach littles. Good and the Beautiful has been helpful for us. Joining Classical Conversations 2 years ago was an absolute game changer. It solved so any problems for me: having a consistent weekly routine, reliable community, a curriculum we like and that is robust enough for my older kids, covers ages 4 to grade 12. I don’t know that all communities are the same, but I felt very fortunate to find ours. I guess what I’m trying to say is that homeschooling is one of the few callings that — similar to motherhood — you are the only one assessing how you’re doing, and we can be so tough on ourselves.
I’m nervous about this upcoming year with a baby, a 2nd grader, 6th grader, and 9th grader at home, but leaning into trusting it’ll work out. Whatever you decide, it’ll be good for your fam too.
I think honest reflections on schooling choices and changes are SO important! This is such a thing, these days especially. I plan to write my own version of a post like detailing our situation! (Moving away from homeschooling and why) It’s truly so nuanced and requires great discernment.
I relate to your experiences here. I've been homeschooling my 10-year old son since kindergarten. We started because of covid school closures then signed him up for school when it opened but it went poorly. Back to homeschooling, this time more intentionally. We have kept it up and he's entering 5th grade this fall.
I definitely relate to the feeling that more order must be imposed to make homeschool work. Only I've never been able to do it that way because that's not how my brain works. I taught my son to read and he's a great reader, though I suspect he's just a "natural." He manages near perfect spelling and I've never given him any spelling curriculum. Math was a real conundrum for us. I could not find a math curriculum that we could manage together until I found CTC Math which is a no frills online math program. 3-5 minute videos each day followed by practice until the child grasps the concept well enough to move on.
From there we found Clever Dragons, an online program for boys. This really improved our homeschool. Our son learned so much this year that I previously had felt I had failed to do well for him, like history, geography, etc.
Part of why it works so well for us is because, like you, I work. I cannot give him the structure I THINK would make sense--like starting out each school day with the same morning routine. I'm not there all the mornings! 😆 So having this online program to provide the basics (plus he loves it so there's no coercing) has been amazing. Then we have been able to read long chapter books together as part of the school year but we can fit that in throughout the week where it makes sense instead of as a scheduled activity. My son also goes to a parent partnership program which is part of our public school district. That's where he gets his social fun and friends time. He has taken some really cool classes too like pottery, weight lifting, many different art/painting classes, robotics, soccer, literary stuff, etc. If that all sounds kinda crazy and like we keep a crazy schedule, yes we do.
I have 4 kids too! My second is 5 and is starting homeschool kindergarten in September. We will try the same thing for her and see how it goes. What I've discovered is... adapting to each season is critical. It will be a new season to have a second child to teach and she'll need more one to one than our son will this year as we work on reading. So, I'll just have to roll with it and find the pockets of time to give her that attention she needs.
Not even sure what I'm writing about anymore 😆 but I think my message is that I don't think having a ton of order is required for successful homeschooling. I'm sure it works for some personalities of mothers, especially if they don't work, but the "get it in where it fits in" model can work too. ✌🏼
Meant to also say that I think homeschooling is more of a lifestyle choice than anything else. I actually love it as a working mom because I get a lot of time with my kids without rushing them out the door in the mornings or having to pack lunches. With the program my son does, we choose all the classes and days so I can pick classes that start at 1030 if it works better for us (which it tends to). I'm able to cook a ton for them and they get to be part of that too. They have a great little family culture between them which is fun to witness. My son has taught two of his little siblings basic block coding. Lots of opportunity for unique skill building in the homeschool life. 💗
I have a couple years until our oldest reaches school-age, but I've been dreaming of homeschooling for probably two years. Thanks for sharing what you've learned! I have a 3 1/2 yo, 16 mo, and our 3rd is due in January, so there will be a big learning curve in the teaching-with-littles-around realm.
My youngest of three just finished high school. My older two were in school, one for kindergarten and one through third grade. My oldest is four years into the work world after graduating from college with a BFA, my middle child has a year to go on her BS and works on an ambulance. My youngest is heading to a state school in a month.
I hate to tell you, but I think for most of us, what you describe with your daughter *is* home schooling, not failing at home schooling -- even the returns to a school setting. It is inherent in the choice, this back and forth, up and down, in and out scramble. It's the feature and the bug, being able to pivot when you learn one thing to the next situation that you will learn from, and in a lot of ways that is one of the big things home educated kids can get good at by watching -- change.
It's not that I don't know folks who went Bob Jones or Seton K-12, I do. But they are the exceptions and they definitely don't stand out as the ones whose kids are best served by the schooling they got.
Am I happy with the turmoil and ups and downs, the inconsistency and shortfalls, the mistakes and "what was I thinking" moments? Really very much not. But I remind myself that I didn't get to pick between several different ideals (public, private, home), I got to pick between three imperfections. I got the good and bad of the one we picked, as did my kids.
I suppose my own experience of going to the same public school district K-12 is very much in contrast with what my daughter experienced with the back and forths and changes so that is a factor in my perception of what “failure” is. I don’t mean to say anyone else who has had to make a lot of changes is failing, I think when I used that word it was more in reference to my difficulty with providing order and routine due to the more physically pressing needs of smaller children. I very much feel there was plenty of imperfection there but there also is out in the world in either private or public school, and I know this. There is no perfect choice, but there are more appropriate choices for individual children and situations and I am learning this. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
You know, I came back to erase my comment in case it sounded critical. It was meant to be the opposite.
I think it is also rare now for an American child to be in the same district her whole school career, so part of what you and I probably are juggling is that there are just some basic things from when we went to school (and I'm much older than you are) that, for better or worse, don't exist the same way any more. I don't know if I would have chosen to home school if my kids had been going into schools like the very imperfect ones I attended. We actually used two "preschool" programs and three different schools (neighborhood, magnet, charter) before switching when my oldest was 8. We never found one that even kept it to the level of dysfunction I saw in the 80s. It's a whole different animal today. So in many ways trying to educate our kids is a moving target and I think we need to acknowledge that to ourselves. In fact, in the years we've home schooled I've seen how much that "movement" or culture has changed, that's been pretty drastic also. I don't know, I guess we should all have coffee in 20 years and suss out how it went! :)
I didn’t read your comment as critical at all! It was informative and coming from somebody with so much more experience than I, very valuable. I also love the idea of having coffee!
I really agree about the moving target point as well. I worked as a school nurse and a public middle school a few years back for three years and honestly, that experience really influenced my choice to try homeschooling with my eldest and also my current choice to homeschool my younger children. It also seems that that target can be different for each individual child.
Thank you for this, it’s always interesting hearing about different people’s experiences with homeschooling (and schooling in general). Our kids are 2 and nearly 4, and we intend to homeschool. Though it’s not a decision we take lightly and we have tossed around many options, looked into all the alternative and independent schools—but always come back to homeschooling as our first choice. We are willing to pivot as the kids grow and their needs evolve, but we’re going to give it a go! I will be looking up the curriculums you mentioned 🙏🏽
Oh wonderful, I’m glad you found it helpful! The fact that you always come back to it as your first choice is a good sign that it is for you. Best of luck as you navigate it all ♥️
These are great thoughts Emily!
Practical and realistic.
Here are a few of my blatherings on this topic…
https://healthyfamilies.substack.com/p/musings-on-music-music-and-math-are?utm_source=publication-search
Cheers!
Jenny
Thank you Jenny! I just saved that to read, I’m especially interested in the music part!
I would love to discuss these issues with you on my podcast Emily. Just let me know if you are interested!
I will message you!
2nd generation homeschooling mom here!
5 children, 11b, 9g, 6.5b, 4g, 1.5b.
Mothering is my vocation. Before children being a wife and a homemaker was my vocation, but since God gave us children my calling expanded...a lot.
Homeschooling is part of that calling, for an incredible variety of reasons.
Physical: food, sleep, exercise
Mental: slow, steady, capability - appropriate start to formal education, protection of innocence,
Emotional: bullies, exposure to evil, gentleness,
Spiritual: my children are not depended from animals. We were created in the imagine of a Living God. All ppl are. This is a massive foundation lie that taints every school subject with a deathly spark.
The list is expansive....far more than I can write in a comment. 😆
We are implementing more Charlotte Mason principles this year, more order, more structure and less busy / doing. I'm really looking forward to our school year, and seeing what we can accomplish as we grow together as a family! This is the first year we will not be building a house since the 4 year old was born, and that means my husband will be far more involved and THANK GOD. It's going to be 🔥🔥fire🔥🔥
Enjoy your homeschool year! And congratulations on your home being built, that is exciting.
I hope homeschooling goes well for you if you try it again. I was homeschooled for many years; I have mixed feelings about it and can’t really make generalized statements as a result.
The friends I made as a young adult think I was enormously lucky to “skip” middle school (they suffered there) but I don’t know; I struggled a lot at home at that age too. I attended high school for my last two years, then post secondary after that.
As a parent I would prefer my children go to school but if something really awful was going on at school that would obviously change the picture.
I have a very unromantic view of education. I think in the early grades children need to learn how to read, do basic math and interact with other children. If they can read, they can teach themselves a lot. If they can do basic math, higher level math will be more accessible. If they can get along with other kids, they can build positive relationships.
I may have this view because my homeschool background, I don’t know. It seems to me if you set kids in the right direction with some basic, healthy skills, life develops in fractal, beautiful ways.
I appreciate your perspective here Síochána, especially as somebody who was homeschooled herself. I agree about the basics and that is where most of our focus will be. We will reassess as we go and a big part of me expects they will end up in school by middle school, these years are so hard (I remember it myself!).
I think older kids also benefit from being able to explore more variety and depth of learning in school, as well as extra-curriculars. It depends on what is available in schools of course, and the quality of teachers and programs.
As a general orientation, I support other people being partners in nurturing my children. So far, I assume competence until proven otherwise. I hope I can continue to do so.
I too worry about the ridiculous ideas my children will be exposed to, while knowing that I can’t fully prevent it. I really appreciate that my parents always clearly explained their values, so I understood them even if I didn’t always agree. We try to do that in our home as well. I also think it is necessary to draw a line what is acceptable or not. Children need to know how to say No to things that they know or sense are wrong, and I’m not sure people actually learn how to do that if their parents haven’t modeled the Hard No.
Love what you said about “modeling the hard no” here, I had to do just that today and it sure is hard, but I am relying on the thought that it will be worth it one day.
"boys need male figures teaching them" 100% esp as they get older. Mom knows best when their younger but I don't have a clue about "man stuff" lol. My husband and I made the deal that I get to make all the final decisions from 0-5 and he gets all the final decisions past that. This also helps him respect and lean on my authority and perspective as the mother during the most inner-formative years, and me lean on his expertise in manhood and interacting outside the home during the most outter-formative years.
They're* RIP wish substack let us edit typos
I really enjoyed this piece from you and it brought up a lot for me. I was public schooled and my younger sister was homeschooled on a computer. I was definitely exposed to more worldly influences and I can see how this scares a lot of parents, but on the other hand my sister’s lack of exposure has made her very vulnerable and emotionally immature for her age.
When my son was 3 I enrolled him in a fancy waldorf preschool in California. You hit the nail on the head with the “airy” feeling I got there. It wasn’t right for us (15k a year for 3 half days a week) so I took him out after a few months. We moved back to our hometown in Florida and he started kindergarten in 2021 (no masks, contact tracing, etc.) He was actually in a study of unvaccinated children to find out if vaxxed kids were shedding from covid shots. We weren’t fond of the school system so I homeschooled him until we moved to our tiny farm 40mins away. I look back at this time as enjoyable, he would come with me to teach yoga and spend lots of time with his grandfather building. It was good until it wasn’t, he was acting out a lot at home and I realized he needed friends. I signed him up for 1st grade halfway through the year, his teacher was lovely and was a former montessori teacher. We watched him thrive here, against everything I had ever believed about the harms of public school.
Public school has actually been a blessing for us and I’m so glad my husband urged us to try it. My son is very confident in himself and his values, he tells us a story about some dumb/silly thing at school almost every day. He has consistently scored in the top 1% on standardized tests for 3 years straight. He knows more advanced math than myself and my husband do 😅
I take my son and daughter to a local mother’s group once a month. Every single time we are bombarded with questions about schooling, especially “will you homeschool your daughter?” And every time I say no actually, she’s very social and we would love her to go to school just like her big brother. This always receives shocked reactions from the other mothers (all of whom have only babies and toddlers, no big kids.) I was feeling pretty judged and annoyed until I received a WAPF journal and read this from Sally Fallon Morell “My one complaint is his diatribe against what he calls "compulsive" education, which makes a not very convincing argument that schooling is a "universal monopoly," which insidiously forces children to engage in activities of no interest to them, creating little apparatchiks for the New World Order. Actually, the idea of universal education did not start with socialists or industrialists but with the German Protestants of the Reformation, who believed that all children should learn to read the Bible. The aristocracy and the church opposed such a radical idea, believing that it would pave the way for rebellion—as indeed it did, leading to, for example, the German Peasants War of 1525, the first shot of the common man across the bow, eventually leading to the American Revolution.
Tom states that anyone can learn to read without schooling and gives as an example the American colonies, where a very high proportion of the population was literate in spite of not going to school. But they did go to school.
The Puritans and Protestants who settled in the colonies— at least in New England and Pennsylvania-believed strongly in education, and every village had its one-room school house.
As a former remedial reading teacher, I can tell you that very few children learn to read on their own; some learn very quickly while others require dedicated teaching... and it is a terrible thing to let a child or teenager out into the world not knowing how to read or do the rudiments of arithmetic. Even if we are "forcing" a child to learn, we have an obligation to ensure that all those who are able do learn to read. (Sadly, not all children are able.)
Published by Steiner Books, Common Sense Child Rearing looks to Rudolf Steiner for guidance in questions involving children and education. Tom quotes Steiner on the deadening effects of teaching reading before age seven (although the Montessori method argues for ages three to four as the best years for learning to read). The key, it seems to me, is teaching reading in a way that is fun and interesting-play-based learning, as Steiner would call it, particularly involving phonics and rhyming words. Otherwise, reading for the average student is just rote memory work.
Steiner had other interesting things to say about childhood education. For example, he believed that the classroom should provide an atmosphere similar to that of an upper middle class household, one that is colorful and organized, for children whose home lives might be drab and chaotic. He felt that children should be introduced to certain subjects at specific ages, for example, learning about the Greeks at age nine and the Romans at age twelve. He also spoke of the importance of young people having teachers whom they could admire and emulate teachers who were not their parents.
People are often shocked when I tell them that I am in favor of public schools. I am not in favor of homeschooling because it often means that children are spending too much time with their parents and often not having exposure to the wider world and children from different back-grounds. Of course, it is often not possible to put children in the local public schools —they may be too violent or too far away— but whenever possible, public schools can provide important experiences for children and adolescents— as with Tom's acquaintence with Willie (as mentioned in the book), a defining experience for him could not have happened except in a public school.
My own grandchildren, all in public schools, have had many valuable experiences they would not have had otherwise. One participated in engineering club in middle school, building bridges with popsicle sticks and making robots; another has excelled in chess at chess club; another learned samba dancing from his Hispanic teacher (which has made him the life of any party). My daughter-in-law attended a large midwestern high school-an institution the likes of which is found nowhere else in the world—and learned to play three instruments as part of the marching band. Team sports, chorus, drama, art —all are now available at most public high schools, as are the trades for those not wishing to continue to college. Many public high schools today offer carpentry, plumbing, electrical and auto mechanics-which can come in handy if you want to drop out of the rat race and be a homesteader.”
Thank you for opening up this conversation :)
I really enjoyed reading this, and appreciate the vulnerability of your sharing these details. It's one of the most self-conscious aspects of parenting, being responsible for our children's good education.
First, you didn't fail. At all. All parents learn as they go with homeschooling, and it's very challenging. I understand slipping from the mindset of homeschooling because we cherish childhood to homeschooling because of fear of the outside world & resistance to public school system dogmas. Everything in life can be like this. Am I doing this because I am for it, or am I doing it because I'm against the alternative? Ultimately, what I mean to say is - your experience is fairly normal for homeschoolers (esp 1st gen) and actually not failure. You tried hard and you pivoted and adapted when it was required of you. That's gorgeous.
We have a 4 and -1 y old and we will be homeschooling. I was partially homeschooled as a child (public school ages 7-12, homeschool before and after). I think the earliest years of homeschool are about encouraging a love of learning; not necessarily getting hung up on WHAT they are learning, but helping them to explore their interests and curiosity so they can build confidence in their ability to explore a subject and learn. We should be teaching our children to read, count, write and play with numbers (early math can be very fun). Everything else is a bonus. Keeping our young children busy all day whilst teaching them some valuable skills is very difficult but for me the purpose of homeschooling at this stage is to preserve childhoods purity, magic & the development of their personalities.
From ages (approx) 8-12 we are tasked with more rigorous learning. They've learned to read, write and do basic maths by now. In my opinion, this is where education begins its 'unromantic period' but we can still tailor it to the child to some degree to make it relevant to their personhood. It's important to impose a bit of a schedule, choose an extra curricular outside the home (if you haven't already, and preferably drop-off, with leaders other than ourselves). After all; whimsy is a natural part of childhood, but structure/routine/schedules - that's a learned skill we need to help them with.
Beyond age 12, I think most families should be having a child-inclusive conversation about what the child needs and wants, and if homeschool is still appropriate. Many kids will practically educate themselves at this point. Learning/research and comprehension is a skill that many children can run with at this age. I did. I finished my education almost entirely by myself with nothing more than review, check-in and lesson planning with my mom. It was wonderful.
Anyway. Perhaps I will find time to write a similar story to this and share my experience and thoughts in more detail. I am ever-intimidated by the prospect of homeschooling my children but so, so enthusiastic about it and excited to learn as I go - as that is the only way.
Books: The Wild and Free
And the Skylark Sings With Me
Curriculum ages 2-5: Acorn to Oak Alphabet Forest - it's GREAT.
Afterthought - a lot of homeschool philosophies are so lackadaisical it can be difficult to know where to begin. It sounds like, reading this article and some comments, many of us crave more structure and security in that structure. That's good. Kids respond so well to structure, too, and when we are full-time-at-home parenting, well, we are already improvising to meet our child's needs ALL DAY EVERY DAY. We need some structure to prevent burnout and actually to protect and preserve the romance of our experience. This is a part of the work. Homeschool isn't about having zero structure: home education is beautiful because we can tailor the structure to our families needs and not worry about the parts that don't work for us. Even Captain Fantastic had a wild but extremely rigorous routine for his children!
I want to echo what others have commented: it really doesn't sound like you failed here! Are you typically hard on yourself? Haha. Truly, it sounds like you made the best decisions with the info you had in the moment, which is what most of us are trying to do.
I was homeschooled Gr. 4- Gr. 12 and I now homeschool my 7 and 5 year old (with a 1 year old and baby on the way). I wasn't intending to homeschool but the school system in my area is a disaster, frankly. I love homeschooling! It has been so much fun. We have made so many special memories together and I love watching my kids form strong bonds with each other.
I am inspired by many forms of education, but mostly classical, Charlotte Mason, and literature-based studies. I pick all sorts of curriculum, basically whatever gets me excited. We use Math With Confidence for math, Handwriting Without Tears for penmanship, Story of the World for history, and First Language Lessons for grammar. I do my own thing for reading, which is ballsy but it's worked so far lol. Then we do LOTS of read alouds from all sorts of books and engage with the reading in some way (narration, draw a picture, notebooking, discussion).
Thank you for this wonderfully honest article. I was homeschooled and I am now homeschooling, and I find that there is often a lack of real talk about the challenges of making homeschooling work or about what the experience can be like for the children involved. I fully agree that trying to create community for your kids is a necessary part of homeschooling and a lot of work, and I appreciate how honest you are about the ups and downs. I also resonated with the way you explore the gap between the real and ideal in homeschool visions and curriculums and resist the urge to point to the "right" curriculum as the answer. Finally, i loved your point that order is an expression of love--I'm going to keep that in mind as I struggle to keep our crowded apartment in some semblance of tidiness.
Hey Emily! I’ve been homeschooling for 9 years now, but up until several years ago, I had that niggling feeling that I was somehow failing my kids. I’m a former university professor and having that background meant I didn’t feel exactly patient or equipped to teach littles. Good and the Beautiful has been helpful for us. Joining Classical Conversations 2 years ago was an absolute game changer. It solved so any problems for me: having a consistent weekly routine, reliable community, a curriculum we like and that is robust enough for my older kids, covers ages 4 to grade 12. I don’t know that all communities are the same, but I felt very fortunate to find ours. I guess what I’m trying to say is that homeschooling is one of the few callings that — similar to motherhood — you are the only one assessing how you’re doing, and we can be so tough on ourselves.
I’m nervous about this upcoming year with a baby, a 2nd grader, 6th grader, and 9th grader at home, but leaning into trusting it’ll work out. Whatever you decide, it’ll be good for your fam too.
I think honest reflections on schooling choices and changes are SO important! This is such a thing, these days especially. I plan to write my own version of a post like detailing our situation! (Moving away from homeschooling and why) It’s truly so nuanced and requires great discernment.
Enjoyed reading this so much♥️
I relate to your experiences here. I've been homeschooling my 10-year old son since kindergarten. We started because of covid school closures then signed him up for school when it opened but it went poorly. Back to homeschooling, this time more intentionally. We have kept it up and he's entering 5th grade this fall.
I definitely relate to the feeling that more order must be imposed to make homeschool work. Only I've never been able to do it that way because that's not how my brain works. I taught my son to read and he's a great reader, though I suspect he's just a "natural." He manages near perfect spelling and I've never given him any spelling curriculum. Math was a real conundrum for us. I could not find a math curriculum that we could manage together until I found CTC Math which is a no frills online math program. 3-5 minute videos each day followed by practice until the child grasps the concept well enough to move on.
From there we found Clever Dragons, an online program for boys. This really improved our homeschool. Our son learned so much this year that I previously had felt I had failed to do well for him, like history, geography, etc.
Part of why it works so well for us is because, like you, I work. I cannot give him the structure I THINK would make sense--like starting out each school day with the same morning routine. I'm not there all the mornings! 😆 So having this online program to provide the basics (plus he loves it so there's no coercing) has been amazing. Then we have been able to read long chapter books together as part of the school year but we can fit that in throughout the week where it makes sense instead of as a scheduled activity. My son also goes to a parent partnership program which is part of our public school district. That's where he gets his social fun and friends time. He has taken some really cool classes too like pottery, weight lifting, many different art/painting classes, robotics, soccer, literary stuff, etc. If that all sounds kinda crazy and like we keep a crazy schedule, yes we do.
I have 4 kids too! My second is 5 and is starting homeschool kindergarten in September. We will try the same thing for her and see how it goes. What I've discovered is... adapting to each season is critical. It will be a new season to have a second child to teach and she'll need more one to one than our son will this year as we work on reading. So, I'll just have to roll with it and find the pockets of time to give her that attention she needs.
Not even sure what I'm writing about anymore 😆 but I think my message is that I don't think having a ton of order is required for successful homeschooling. I'm sure it works for some personalities of mothers, especially if they don't work, but the "get it in where it fits in" model can work too. ✌🏼
Meant to also say that I think homeschooling is more of a lifestyle choice than anything else. I actually love it as a working mom because I get a lot of time with my kids without rushing them out the door in the mornings or having to pack lunches. With the program my son does, we choose all the classes and days so I can pick classes that start at 1030 if it works better for us (which it tends to). I'm able to cook a ton for them and they get to be part of that too. They have a great little family culture between them which is fun to witness. My son has taught two of his little siblings basic block coding. Lots of opportunity for unique skill building in the homeschool life. 💗
You’re going to do great! A bad day of homeschooling beats a good day in public school anytime in my book💪💪
I have wondered if The Good & the Beautiful curriculum is a good starter curriculum for first time homeschoolers? How did you find it?
I have a couple years until our oldest reaches school-age, but I've been dreaming of homeschooling for probably two years. Thanks for sharing what you've learned! I have a 3 1/2 yo, 16 mo, and our 3rd is due in January, so there will be a big learning curve in the teaching-with-littles-around realm.