"We should think of babies not being given their breast milk as a tragedy." I remember seeing someone I went to high school with share a video during her pregnancy on why she's choosing not to breastfeed her next baby, and this was my immediate response: tragic. Tragic that you wouldn't even try, in the name of self-preservation, convenience and so-called empowerment.
I'm wrestling with a piece of writing right now about conversations I've had with my grandmothers about breastfeeding/how social views on it have changed over time. I find it so interesting how detached they are about it. They don't see the big deal, or how it would've made a difference, nor were they really given much of an option post-birth. They don't understand why we make such a fuss about infant feeding these days- and they're so convincing about it that I found myself taking a step back, asking myself: yeah, why do I care so much what other people do? But here it is: you've articulated it so clearly. Also, need to check out the Politics of Breastfeeding book, thanks for sharing that!
I agree and find it troubling how breastfeeding and formula feeding are conceptualized as a dichotomy--which will you do?--instead of breastfeeding being understood as the default way for mammals to nourish their young and formula being an option for instances when lactation fails.
That being said, as an IBCLC working in a hospital, I do not try to convince women to breastfeed when they do not want to. I meet them after their babies are born and if they have already decided they will not breastfeed, I find my energy is wasted on presenting benefits of breastfeeding. It's too late to provide meaningful influence if they don't have the desire. If they tell me they're unsure, I will engage in conversation on it, but not if they have already decided they won't do it.
I lament that we don't have a society that promotes breastfeeding so it becomes an individual mother's job to persevere alone at times. In reality, new moms need community support so they can focus on breastfeeding and bonding with their newborns-- meals, help with their older kids, etc for the first two or so months. It can take that long for breastfeeding to be firmly established. Societal support for new mother's would go further than an IBCLC for every mom. I'm so rambling now 😂
I am always heartened by finding other women out there who feel similarly to me ☺️☺️🙏🏼
I feel the same in supporting women in birth— at the end of the day they need to do what they’re comfortable with even if we don’t agree with it, which can be frustrating when we are passionate about something. proselytizing doesn’t typically get us anywhere.
My own grandmother was disgusted that we would even try to breastfeed. In that generation, it was viewed as something that only the very poor did. It’s a shame.
I would love to read this piece when you publish it!! I find it fascinating talking to my grandmothers / my husband’s grandmothers about it. One grandmother, she ‘got a shot’ after her only child was born and never breastfed her once (curious what this shot could be that stops milk? Maybe more common then?). She sweetly has mentioned a time or two when I BF in front of her that ‘it’s neat’ what I’m doing or marvels at the convenience when we’re out and about. It blows my mind she never got the chance to do this with her own daughter. Anywho! Great points you brought up.
This religious-esque zealotry around breastfeeding can be hurtful to women and babies. There are women who physiologically and/or psychologically cannot adequately breast feed. This has always been so. That's why nursemaids, working for pennies, suckled babies throughout history. But modern people don't typically want a strange woman in their house, breastfeeding their kid. Formula has been a God-send for many moms and babies. Any pediatrician will tell you that underweight infants {due to moms who have difficulty lactating} are at serious risk, health wise. Breastfeed if you want, formula feed if you want. Believe, if you want, that " it's an infant's birthright to be breastfed." But the essential truth is, it's an infant's birthright to be adequately/well-fed, period. However that's achieved is honorable and fine. I'm a mom of older kids. There is infinitely more to mothering than breastfeeding. There are hundreds of ways to bond with babies and children. The breast is not the be-all, end-all of motherhood.
I’m well aware of the physiological reasons women cannot nurse and I’m also aware that those situations are fairly rare. Often when women think they are not making enough milk it is due to faulty perception based on bad information-perceived low milk supply is a very common issue. This issue serves to illustrate how much we have lost- while women in the past on the rare occasion had true physiological issues that impacted milk supply and breastfeeding that required the use of wet nurses (who more often were used as a matter of preference rather than total necessity, yet that is a whole other conversation), those women didn’t suffer these same faulty perceptions because the culture around breastfeeding wasn’t one of ignorance the way it is today. This is because it was the default, and women grew up seeing it happen. We have lost this and therefore have lost an accurate awareness of it. As far as “psychologically” goes-breastfeeding has been proven to be protective of maternal mental health and this is by and large a formula marketing trope. Not to say it never is a necessity but again-rare. We have to ask ourselves how it could possibly be that the physiological default that literally has kept our species alive and thriving for millennia could possibly be something that would destroy us. There is physiological incentive for mothers to breastfeed-it is helpful hormonally, it prevents cancers and helps to space pregnancies.
To your point on wet nurses-again, very aware of this. If you read my writing here, you would see that the disappearance of wet-nursing in modern society proves the point that we know that breastfeeding is an intimate and special experience. We innately know it is very different that giving a baby a bottle. So what does that say about us as a society who has made this intimate and special act totally optional?
Those underweight babies are often being compared to formula fed babies because those growth curves are based on formula fed infants, who are often over-fed and therefore more likely to be obese later in life. Beyond that, yes, sometimes women are in need of more good support to help keep up with their infant’s needs, and that is where the sort of support I describe here comes into play. And when infants need supplementation, which I recognize that they often do, donor milk is absolutely preferential to formula if there is any way parents can access it. Lastly, when formula supplementation is necessitated, we can be both grateful for this modern resource and also recognize what it lacks.
Your mention of being a mother of older children and that there is more to mothering feels a bit suggestive that you believe my position leaves me lacking as a mother. I have an older child. I have parented up through the teen years-I am very aware that there is an infinite amount of aspects to mothering that contribute to the whole of the experience. But right here, I’m writing about one of the foundational aspects that starts at the beginning of life-one that has real impact and real consequences. To pretend that the nutrition and bonding that nursing and breastmilk provides is equal in any way to those of formula and formula-feeding is delusional.
Will address some of your statements individually:
*To say that women who aren't making enough milk and who have underweight infants have "faulty perception" is patronizing to women. It's reminiscent of the olden days when doctors would pat women on the head and say 'it's all in your head, dear.' You claim it's rare, but the lived experiences of many women, (and pediatricians' alarm re: underweight infants) say it isn't.
*Millions of formula fed babies (who've turned into adults,) bonded just fine with their mothers. Bottle feeding while looking into an infant's eyes and speaking or singing gently to them is just as special and intimate as breastfeeding. I see breastfeeding moms scrolling on their phones while they're nursing, so I don't think the act is always as intimate as the ideal that is presented in your essay.
*The utopian belief that produces this zealotry around breastfeeding seems to be that nature is always right, ideal, and perfect. Miscarriages, stillbirths, infants who fail to thrive, disease, and failure to produce enough milk, all contradict that utopian fantasy.
-- My final remark is that this issue is a clear case where 'live and let live' should be applied. No one has the right to tell a woman, who's been trying unsuccessfully to nurse a constantly crying, starving infant, that she shouldn't try formula. Mom knows best. It's not the 'mommy blogger gurus' who will be getting up in the middle of the night, pacing the floor with your hungry baby.
Breastfeeding hurt like HELL for the first couple of months ... but I'm really glad I powered through. I also abandoned pumping early on because it sucked and my daughter didn't want to take a bottle. My daughter turns three in September and I'm still breastfeeding her, despite being pregnant with #2.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Yes. The narrative has to be shifted from “it’s the healthy/crunchy thing to do” to “it’s the normal, womanly thing to do.” And, the more that women share how empowering and meaningful it is the more other women will want do to it. We are so influenced by each other.
Alsoooo I can’t stay too long on this topic as I may never breastfeed again and it’s deeply heartbreaking for me😭
It is truly a tragedy when babies don't get their milk, when really the only scenario their tiny bodies might understand is that there is something terribly wrong with their mother.
My mom's biological mother died 3 days after my mother was born. While she thinks little of it, my heart breaks for my tiny baby mother, even though she had grandparents who cared for and raised her--and loved her deeply-- I think of all of the trauma she went through. And that some people can simply choose not to and shrug it ofg...it breaks my heart
Reading this while nursing my 6 mo old daughter! My mother stopped nursing my sister and I both at 6 mo because she ‘didn’t want to anymore’. Makes me want to investigate further - I know her mother (my gma) stopped nursing my mother and siblings after 2 months. Curious if this is related… I suppose I’ll have to ask! Loved this piece, love breastfeeding, no intentions of stopping anytime soon 🤍
This was a phenomenal piece and very timely for me. My second little one born just five weeks ago has been having some feeding issues so I’ve been exclusively pumping with the goal of getting her to the breast full time. We’ve encountered some setbacks recently and I was feeling really discouraged and ready to give up. This piece gave strength the little voice in my heart telling me not to. Thank you 💗
I appreciated this! On the one hand, I understand why women don’t breastfeed — I have had almost every problem you can name feeding my 5 children, and it’s taken a huge amount of grit and support to be able to nurse them. It is hard and sometimes heartbreaking work. But, I wish we would put our efforts towards education and support instead of acting like it doesn’t matter how we feed our babies.
All of my babies were tongue tied, and I had horrible oversupply, we triple fed for several weeks with everyone and the first 6 weeks of each baby’s life was wholly dominated by milk. Which, in a short sighted view is totally not worth it! Why would I put myself through that? So much of the reason I have is because 1) I had a firm conviction that it was that important to nurse my babies and 2) I knew it was a short blip on the radar compared to the 15-20 months I’d spend nursing them afterwards.
I suppose if you’re needing to pump and bottle feed anyway, or you really want someone else to be able to feed your baby, maybe it makes sense to not fight that hard. And maybe this feeds into our whole idea of mothering infants and how poorly we support mother baby dyads in general (babies need MOM). But for me it’s never been an option to not fight. I make wry jokes about my children not surviving if I lived 100 years earlier, but I’m so grateful for the help and knowledge to get it figured out, even when it’s brought me to my knees every single time.
To sit absolutely quiet and observe (with her consent) my daughter in law breastfeed her son (my grand son) is the most beautiful experience. How any man (father) could be opposed to his offspring being nurtured, in the best, most natural way, both physically and emotionally, is beyond my understanding!
Love this. I have primary lactation failure and fought for every ounce. It was worth it.
I love that Sarah. Your dedication is a testament to the value of the experience and substance-and that is no small feat!
"We should think of babies not being given their breast milk as a tragedy." I remember seeing someone I went to high school with share a video during her pregnancy on why she's choosing not to breastfeed her next baby, and this was my immediate response: tragic. Tragic that you wouldn't even try, in the name of self-preservation, convenience and so-called empowerment.
I'm wrestling with a piece of writing right now about conversations I've had with my grandmothers about breastfeeding/how social views on it have changed over time. I find it so interesting how detached they are about it. They don't see the big deal, or how it would've made a difference, nor were they really given much of an option post-birth. They don't understand why we make such a fuss about infant feeding these days- and they're so convincing about it that I found myself taking a step back, asking myself: yeah, why do I care so much what other people do? But here it is: you've articulated it so clearly. Also, need to check out the Politics of Breastfeeding book, thanks for sharing that!
I agree and find it troubling how breastfeeding and formula feeding are conceptualized as a dichotomy--which will you do?--instead of breastfeeding being understood as the default way for mammals to nourish their young and formula being an option for instances when lactation fails.
That being said, as an IBCLC working in a hospital, I do not try to convince women to breastfeed when they do not want to. I meet them after their babies are born and if they have already decided they will not breastfeed, I find my energy is wasted on presenting benefits of breastfeeding. It's too late to provide meaningful influence if they don't have the desire. If they tell me they're unsure, I will engage in conversation on it, but not if they have already decided they won't do it.
I lament that we don't have a society that promotes breastfeeding so it becomes an individual mother's job to persevere alone at times. In reality, new moms need community support so they can focus on breastfeeding and bonding with their newborns-- meals, help with their older kids, etc for the first two or so months. It can take that long for breastfeeding to be firmly established. Societal support for new mother's would go further than an IBCLC for every mom. I'm so rambling now 😂
I am always heartened by finding other women out there who feel similarly to me ☺️☺️🙏🏼
100%
I feel the same in supporting women in birth— at the end of the day they need to do what they’re comfortable with even if we don’t agree with it, which can be frustrating when we are passionate about something. proselytizing doesn’t typically get us anywhere.
My own grandmother was disgusted that we would even try to breastfeed. In that generation, it was viewed as something that only the very poor did. It’s a shame.
Yeah mine said the same, that if someone was nursing it was typically because they were poor. It is a shame
Which is ironic because we’re from the rural US and not exactly en vogue. So I’m not sure where she got the idea that we were too rich to breastfeed.
😂
I would love to read this piece when you publish it!! I find it fascinating talking to my grandmothers / my husband’s grandmothers about it. One grandmother, she ‘got a shot’ after her only child was born and never breastfed her once (curious what this shot could be that stops milk? Maybe more common then?). She sweetly has mentioned a time or two when I BF in front of her that ‘it’s neat’ what I’m doing or marvels at the convenience when we’re out and about. It blows my mind she never got the chance to do this with her own daughter. Anywho! Great points you brought up.
Reading this while nursing my 7 month old daughter feels just about right :)
Aww I’m so glad ♥️
This religious-esque zealotry around breastfeeding can be hurtful to women and babies. There are women who physiologically and/or psychologically cannot adequately breast feed. This has always been so. That's why nursemaids, working for pennies, suckled babies throughout history. But modern people don't typically want a strange woman in their house, breastfeeding their kid. Formula has been a God-send for many moms and babies. Any pediatrician will tell you that underweight infants {due to moms who have difficulty lactating} are at serious risk, health wise. Breastfeed if you want, formula feed if you want. Believe, if you want, that " it's an infant's birthright to be breastfed." But the essential truth is, it's an infant's birthright to be adequately/well-fed, period. However that's achieved is honorable and fine. I'm a mom of older kids. There is infinitely more to mothering than breastfeeding. There are hundreds of ways to bond with babies and children. The breast is not the be-all, end-all of motherhood.
I’m well aware of the physiological reasons women cannot nurse and I’m also aware that those situations are fairly rare. Often when women think they are not making enough milk it is due to faulty perception based on bad information-perceived low milk supply is a very common issue. This issue serves to illustrate how much we have lost- while women in the past on the rare occasion had true physiological issues that impacted milk supply and breastfeeding that required the use of wet nurses (who more often were used as a matter of preference rather than total necessity, yet that is a whole other conversation), those women didn’t suffer these same faulty perceptions because the culture around breastfeeding wasn’t one of ignorance the way it is today. This is because it was the default, and women grew up seeing it happen. We have lost this and therefore have lost an accurate awareness of it. As far as “psychologically” goes-breastfeeding has been proven to be protective of maternal mental health and this is by and large a formula marketing trope. Not to say it never is a necessity but again-rare. We have to ask ourselves how it could possibly be that the physiological default that literally has kept our species alive and thriving for millennia could possibly be something that would destroy us. There is physiological incentive for mothers to breastfeed-it is helpful hormonally, it prevents cancers and helps to space pregnancies.
To your point on wet nurses-again, very aware of this. If you read my writing here, you would see that the disappearance of wet-nursing in modern society proves the point that we know that breastfeeding is an intimate and special experience. We innately know it is very different that giving a baby a bottle. So what does that say about us as a society who has made this intimate and special act totally optional?
Those underweight babies are often being compared to formula fed babies because those growth curves are based on formula fed infants, who are often over-fed and therefore more likely to be obese later in life. Beyond that, yes, sometimes women are in need of more good support to help keep up with their infant’s needs, and that is where the sort of support I describe here comes into play. And when infants need supplementation, which I recognize that they often do, donor milk is absolutely preferential to formula if there is any way parents can access it. Lastly, when formula supplementation is necessitated, we can be both grateful for this modern resource and also recognize what it lacks.
Your mention of being a mother of older children and that there is more to mothering feels a bit suggestive that you believe my position leaves me lacking as a mother. I have an older child. I have parented up through the teen years-I am very aware that there is an infinite amount of aspects to mothering that contribute to the whole of the experience. But right here, I’m writing about one of the foundational aspects that starts at the beginning of life-one that has real impact and real consequences. To pretend that the nutrition and bonding that nursing and breastmilk provides is equal in any way to those of formula and formula-feeding is delusional.
Will address some of your statements individually:
*To say that women who aren't making enough milk and who have underweight infants have "faulty perception" is patronizing to women. It's reminiscent of the olden days when doctors would pat women on the head and say 'it's all in your head, dear.' You claim it's rare, but the lived experiences of many women, (and pediatricians' alarm re: underweight infants) say it isn't.
*Millions of formula fed babies (who've turned into adults,) bonded just fine with their mothers. Bottle feeding while looking into an infant's eyes and speaking or singing gently to them is just as special and intimate as breastfeeding. I see breastfeeding moms scrolling on their phones while they're nursing, so I don't think the act is always as intimate as the ideal that is presented in your essay.
*The claims made about breastmilk are grossly exaggerated, and the harms of encouraging breastfeeding for everyone are grossly underestimated. There is much discussion online about this. Here is but one article discussing it: https://slate.com/technology/2019/01/breastfeeding-mothers-recommendations-not-universal.html
*The utopian belief that produces this zealotry around breastfeeding seems to be that nature is always right, ideal, and perfect. Miscarriages, stillbirths, infants who fail to thrive, disease, and failure to produce enough milk, all contradict that utopian fantasy.
-- My final remark is that this issue is a clear case where 'live and let live' should be applied. No one has the right to tell a woman, who's been trying unsuccessfully to nurse a constantly crying, starving infant, that she shouldn't try formula. Mom knows best. It's not the 'mommy blogger gurus' who will be getting up in the middle of the night, pacing the floor with your hungry baby.
Breastfeeding hurt like HELL for the first couple of months ... but I'm really glad I powered through. I also abandoned pumping early on because it sucked and my daughter didn't want to take a bottle. My daughter turns three in September and I'm still breastfeeding her, despite being pregnant with #2.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Yes. The narrative has to be shifted from “it’s the healthy/crunchy thing to do” to “it’s the normal, womanly thing to do.” And, the more that women share how empowering and meaningful it is the more other women will want do to it. We are so influenced by each other.
Alsoooo I can’t stay too long on this topic as I may never breastfeed again and it’s deeply heartbreaking for me😭
It is truly a tragedy when babies don't get their milk, when really the only scenario their tiny bodies might understand is that there is something terribly wrong with their mother.
My mom's biological mother died 3 days after my mother was born. While she thinks little of it, my heart breaks for my tiny baby mother, even though she had grandparents who cared for and raised her--and loved her deeply-- I think of all of the trauma she went through. And that some people can simply choose not to and shrug it ofg...it breaks my heart
Reading this while nursing my 6 mo old daughter! My mother stopped nursing my sister and I both at 6 mo because she ‘didn’t want to anymore’. Makes me want to investigate further - I know her mother (my gma) stopped nursing my mother and siblings after 2 months. Curious if this is related… I suppose I’ll have to ask! Loved this piece, love breastfeeding, no intentions of stopping anytime soon 🤍
This was a phenomenal piece and very timely for me. My second little one born just five weeks ago has been having some feeding issues so I’ve been exclusively pumping with the goal of getting her to the breast full time. We’ve encountered some setbacks recently and I was feeling really discouraged and ready to give up. This piece gave strength the little voice in my heart telling me not to. Thank you 💗
I appreciated this! On the one hand, I understand why women don’t breastfeed — I have had almost every problem you can name feeding my 5 children, and it’s taken a huge amount of grit and support to be able to nurse them. It is hard and sometimes heartbreaking work. But, I wish we would put our efforts towards education and support instead of acting like it doesn’t matter how we feed our babies.
All of my babies were tongue tied, and I had horrible oversupply, we triple fed for several weeks with everyone and the first 6 weeks of each baby’s life was wholly dominated by milk. Which, in a short sighted view is totally not worth it! Why would I put myself through that? So much of the reason I have is because 1) I had a firm conviction that it was that important to nurse my babies and 2) I knew it was a short blip on the radar compared to the 15-20 months I’d spend nursing them afterwards.
I suppose if you’re needing to pump and bottle feed anyway, or you really want someone else to be able to feed your baby, maybe it makes sense to not fight that hard. And maybe this feeds into our whole idea of mothering infants and how poorly we support mother baby dyads in general (babies need MOM). But for me it’s never been an option to not fight. I make wry jokes about my children not surviving if I lived 100 years earlier, but I’m so grateful for the help and knowledge to get it figured out, even when it’s brought me to my knees every single time.
To sit absolutely quiet and observe (with her consent) my daughter in law breastfeed her son (my grand son) is the most beautiful experience. How any man (father) could be opposed to his offspring being nurtured, in the best, most natural way, both physically and emotionally, is beyond my understanding!
Beautiful, resonant piece
Brought me to tears. It is truly a tragedy. The 'breastfeeding doesn't matter' voices are so loud.