Vindicating the Female Body
Make fertility relevant again
What if fertility was of great interest? Not only at the precise moment when one makes the thoughtful and careful choice to procreate after the perfect amount of life lived has gone by and the right places and people have been traveled to and met. Not only when that precise choice meets failure head on. Not only when a life erupts inside us at the worst possible moment despite our efforts to prevent that life. What if fertility was a thing we laid claim to long before any of these events?
Fertility is the sort of concept that people tend to seem to want to deal with as such-conceptually. They like to discuss it as something separate from us, something we can keep at bay and control and manipulate and use to our advantage sometimes and also sometimes it misbehaves in incredibly inconvenient ways. Something to be put off, ignored, warred against, denied, scoffed at, belittled.
That is, until you need her services. Then you crawl back sheepishly into her arms like a dirty dog begging for a bone. Only she isn’t always so easily appeased and therefore doesn’t always cooperate. Then she becomes a beast, and beasts are for taming in our thinking, perceptual, greedy brains. Even more so when the taming is taken on on a more macro level-as where human minds find a need for taming nature, corporations are poised at the ready to swoop in and domesticate at all costs (and profit).
The management of fertility is big, booming business. Whether it is taming to render it either permanently or temporarily sterile or taming it in the opposite sense, beating it into submission when it fails us (often after years of neglect-behaving as living nature neglected does). Egg donation, surrogacy, IUI, IVF, sperm donation, birth control, Plan B pills, apps to track our most intimate information (such as the popular Natural Cycles-who revealed last week that they are perfectly willing to disrespect the female physiology they directly profit from by using language that indulges the gender-above-all crowd-see below), ultrasounds and lab tests and exogenous hormonal injections of all manner.
These are the tools of a culture where fertility is an afterthought. Our culture is a sterility culture addicted to dopamine and instant gratification-which these tools at least attempt to cater to, albeit not always so successfully.
What culture has forgotten, what the machine that is building culture has (I would be so bold to say) purposefully ignored-is that fertility is the underlying essence of womanhood. The potential for life making and all that come with it- both the tangibles and the non- is the threat, the blessing, the factual reality of female existence. In making fertility something we don’t discuss until it is too late, we are inviting a sharp and resounding dissonance between the actual deep truth of half of the population and the proposed falsity that this half is supposed to play along with.
This past week on the Reproductive-Commentary-Internet™, we of course, as you must have seen, were served up on a silver platter the much talked about article in The Washington Post about birth control and social media misinformation that they are so very worried about. Read it here if you feel compelled.
This article has sparked many a thoughtful examination1 on social media and there is certainly a lot here to dissect. I want to focus on the fact that this article, with so many eyes on it, chooses to platform a be-rainbowed male abortionist as the first apparently rational voice that speaks for female fertility (or rather, the management of it) in the piece, with the majority of the women (specifically “influencers and conservative commentators”) featured being criticized, questioned and accused of wrong-speak. In the Society of Sterility the intuition of women is tantamount to blasphemy.
The OB/GYN and “complex family planning specialist” (aka abortionist) quoted in the article, Michael Belmonte, stated “people are putting themselves out there as experts on birth control and speaking to things that the science does not bear out,” and that he is “seeing those direct failures of this misinformation.” The authors then state that Michael apparently frequently sees women coming in for abortions “after believing what they see on social media about the dangers of hormonal birth control and the effectiveness of tracking periods to prevent pregnancy.”
Why do I feel like the word frequently in the previous passage is an exaggeration? Surely I am not alone in sensing this. Notably, a quick and dirty perusal of Michael’s Twitter account a few days ago began with a pinned tweet that used the hashtag “abortion is love”. That tweet is no longer pinned.
No matter your opinion on abortion, I would hope the sound and rational mind and empathetic and tender heart would see such a statement and be struck by its harshness and purposeful subversion of the concept of love. Abortion always has spiritual consequences for the woman or girl who undergoes it, no matter the reason, and this isn’t something to mask with internet hashtag niceties that pretend the opposite. So, I would hope one would see The Washington Post very carefully choosing this particular man of this character and who has these particular priorities (he also has transgender medicine and gender affirmation surgery listed as specialties he has taken on) and see just how much female reality is being absolutely disregarded here.
This is due to the denial of our ability to care for ourselves. By assuming we should instead turn to men like our friend Michael, who believes #abortionislove, that men can be women, and that periods should be managed or stopped, not embraced and understood, culture-shapers like The WashPo assume that women are by and large stupid half-wits who are generally hysterical and cannot be trusted to make their own decisions, much less reign fully over our bodies. Is this the culture-shaping we need or even want?
These sort of assumptions are allowed to thrive because fertility, and its implications on what it means to be a woman, are glossed over at the jump. An ignorant and dismissive societal attitude towards fertility means we have an anti-woman society-because to be fertile is to be woman. The idea that women who are not almighty doctors are pushing back against pharmaceuticals that are truly very novel in terms of human history by way of sharing symptoms and their stories of healing online is blasphemous in our culture because these women are problematic in two ways. The first, they actually hold fertility as a primary interest. Second, they are choosing to trust themselves and their own abilities over those of “experts”.
Sterility culture loves experts.
Another expert that is quite popular is Dr. Fran, an OB/GYN with a large social media following who loves to talk about how she started a running google spreadsheet of her fellow colleagues in the country that are knife happy like she is and are happy to perform tubal ligations on anyone who asks and how awesome routine inductions are because she is the ARRIVE trial’s biggest fan. She shared a video last week in which she states “historically we have seen that humans are actually very bad at reproducing” and that “actually every time we get pregnant and try to birth a baby, our bodies are trying to off us” and finishes strong with the statement “we are like, historically not meant for this” in reference to childbirth. Never mind that we are all here now having this discussion as a result of the fact that we are actually very good at this, overall. Talk about social media misinformation!
“we are like, historically not meant for this”.
-Dr. Franziska Haydanek, OB/GYN, reproductive/evolutionary denialist, social media grifter
This is the sort of person our sterility culture chooses to platform and heed the advice of. A person who is sworn to “do no harm” but whom is happy to permanently sterilize young women who have their entire lives ahead of them, and who thinks human beings are not meant to give birth (what does this tell you about the type of birth she attends/facilitates?). A person who thinks we are inherently flawed and in need of management and manipulation. A person who makes her literal living off of spouting off about these things on TikTok for young women to see and take to heart-the seeds of doubt in the capability and value of their wombs being planted and rooting in more and more with every second they watch her speak.
Except we are meant for this. We are meant for this in a way that is very basic, of course. We are meant for this as a matter of fact and a matter of survival. This survival isn’t just a silly little mistake, it is the result of many, many years of grit and grime and ruthless determination-the human spirit!
There’s a line in the Rancid song “7 Years Down" (a song about sobriety, sung by a man I could probably [definitely] have #metooed but that’s a tale for another day and the line is still gold) that goes “the human spirit prevails” that comes to mind. We are not bad at reproducing, and our bodies are not trying to off us when we do reproduce. Not only do our bodies prevail, but our spirits and hearts do too. The human spirit, baby.
The Dr. Frans of the world exist and prosper because fertility is not of great interest, not because we are not meant to give birth. We are meant to give birth, we are meant to love and cherish our babies, we are meant for this world, just as they are too. The unique joy that is the joy of witnessing our hearts walk around in human form, embracing us and loving us back, is a joy we are meant for, and this is a joy born of birth. Birth is very much meant for us and we are meant for it, because our children are meant for us and us for them.
This is why we must stake claim to the vindication of the female body by way of that prevailing human spirit that has toiled for thousands of years and dripped sweat and wept briny tears of pain and joy in the name of survival and love. Life has an affinity for life, and we are the vehicles through which it weaves its love story.
I said that fertility is womanhood, and this is what I meant. Women are the vessel. When I say this, I imagine amphoras, round and dramatic and elegant. Shaped by practiced hands. The contents of the vessel and the vessel itself equally significant, one precious life depending on another precious life. For this, the vessel is vulnerable and fragile, but not weak. The vessel through which spirit and soul, water and oil, are carried and protected.
Most women become mothers, and if they don’t, they still are undeniably tied to motherhood. They likely grew up wondering about it, watching it in action, for the better or the worst. They likely have spent time avoiding it or hoping for it. Then there are questions to answer when there is a lack of it later in life. And why is this? Those questions come from a place of the human understanding that the female human generally needs an outlet for the energy of mothering.
This doesn’t mean every woman must have babies to fulfill her purpose. There are many paths to using the energy that comes with female fertility for creativity, tenderness and cultivation of life and growth. What so many people fail to comprehend is this fact, most get too caught up in attempting to be offended by this sort of discourse because it insinuates that women are meant to give birth and have babies, and to make such an insinuation in a sterility culture is the ultimate offense. Yet, physiology doesn’t lie.
What would it look like to make fertility of great interest?
It would look like honoring the truth of physiology above all. It would look like a culture that can discuss these things without disclaimers being stated left and right. Every discussion about centering mothers and babies seems to begin and end with “but not all women want to be mothers and not all women can become mothers and also we need free universal childcare and men need to take on more childcare responsibilities and also there’s too much pressure to breastfeed and maternal mental health and children are too expensive to raise”…..it just goes on and on and on.
All of these issues and problems have the same foundation-which is a social environment that pretends physiology isn’t relevant and therefore fertility isn’t either. Many women don’t want to become mothers because they have seen so many others struggle to balance work and motherhood or deal with single motherhood. Many women struggle with mental health issues because they have no meaningful help or connection to nature and eat the opposite of a nourishing diet while trying to nurse a baby. We are hell bent on free daycare because it makes the most sense in a society where mothers are mothers on the side and workers first and foremost, just another party to tax. We are insistent that men need to do an equal amount of childcare because women are desperately pulled in every direction-their physiology wants to make a home and prioritize connection with their children and other mothers, their obligations take them out of the home to make that money-and they need help! We see breastfeeding and co-sleeping as a burden because it cuts into “productive” time. Do you see a pattern?
Society needs to be centered around the fertile woman.
This may hurt some feelings, this may anger some, this will certainly offend many, but that is neither here nor there. I am further and further convinced that the dearth of human happiness that we are witnessing play out in so many ways is a result of the opposite situation. A situation where society is centered around economic production and utilitarian sensibilities.
Women are being abandoned and left to figure things out on their own that they should have known from girlhood, fertility is only ever discussed as a problem, pregnancy and birth are seen as medical emergencies to manage and profit from, breastfeeding blamed for postpartum depression, babies are being ignored because women are told that they need to be on schedules and shouldn’t sleep with them, children are being at least partially raised by strangers who are overwhelmed with too many competing needs in the most vulnerable years of their young lives, everyone is overstimulated and crabby, and no one goes outside enough.
The mental health and addiction crisis seems like no mystery to me here. A bold statement to be sure, yet I just know it in my bones.
To make fertility and the fertile woman the center of society, means children should be taught how to protect it. How to care for their bodies, how to eat well, how to prioritize movement and time in nature. This truly begins at birth with breastfeeding and the foundation of health that lays for children. In a world where 12 year olds are prescribed Ozempic for obesity, hormonal birth control is prescribed to girls for acne when they are 13, and every other kid is on amphetamines for ADHD, maybe we should dial it back a little. What are they eating? Do they know how to prepare foods and cook or do they only know how to buy Doritos at a vending machine? Do they have any access to a garden, even a community one or one at school? Do they know that animal fat is essential for their brains and reproductive systems or do they have parents forcing them to be vegan? Do they understand how food captures sunlight and breathes energy into their cells or is eating just another chore?
Children should be outdoors more often than not. Children should be with their mothers as much as possible in young childhood and the role of the father should not be trivialized and thrown out as “a nice bonus”. The institutionalization of childhood and the trivialization of fatherhood are very anti-fertility, just as much as birth control. Bring babies back into the home! This is protecting fertility at the foundational level.
Next comes honoring fertility. Firstly, to honor it is to embrace it, not fear it. I think some fear here is likely natural, as it is normal to fear powerful things. This is where maturation in the human life cycle comes in-we have to facilitate a path of maturation for our young people so they may not fear their own fertility and instead will see it for what it is-the source of all creative energy. This is the sort of statement that can sound very “woo” (I fully hate that word but here we are), and which can turn off many-but actually consider what that means.
The hormones that flow through our bodies, the organs that make them and regulate them, the way these things contribute to our appearance and therefore to the way we get to interact with the world and with others due to attraction, the cycles we ride as women and as men that change our output and emotions and needs and wants-this is all fertility.
It isn’t just about making babies (and then, it also is). When you make that bread, or paint that painting or write that essay or build that table-your fertile physiology is the driving force behind that. I feel that the creativity in the years leading up to fertility and the years after is similarly informed, but in various different ways. The child has the imagination, the elder has abundant life experience, the person in their fertile years has vital energy and the physiology that creates it. We must honor this by allowing creation, by using it. Prioritizing creation-whether it is making a baby or making a basket-is incredibly important for human flourishing.
Lastly, we must understand fertility. This is where the practical has to come into play. In childhood, children need to understand the truth of their bodies. The menstrual cycle must be covered at length, with extra layers revealed consistently over time. The seriousness of sex needs to be discussed without fear mongering when age appropriate. Girls MUST learn cycle tracking. We should not be putting our daughters on hormonal birth control and we must teach them why. Boys need this information as well. Our children should be exposed to birth and breastfeeding and should know how to change a diaper and how to rock a fussy baby to sleep.
In the childbearing years, we must reckon with the fact that women need to be at home with their babies. We have to stop allowing ourselves to primarily be used as units of production for the economy in our childbearing years. Mothers shouldn’t be taxed! This doesn’t mean all women all over need to never work. This means part time work, working from home, taking time off, being extra frugal, working side gigs, doing creative work or freelance work. Bring back the cottage economy! Trade with neighbors, make art, watch a friend’s baby so she can attend a meeting, do some birth work, sell your sourdough in the commuter lot on Thursday evenings. Prioritize quality over quantity!
To make fertility of great interest means that we are allowed and encouraged to live in alignment with it. We don’t have to force ourselves into shapes and configurations we aren’t meant for. Women shouldn’t be pumping at work. Women should have a baby at the breast. Women shouldn’t be crying everyday when they leave their baby at daycare, they should be at home with that baby. Women shouldn’t be working a 12 hour shift when they are 8 months pregnant, they should be resting and preparing at the expense of the one who impregnated her. And that isn’t sexist or misogynistic to say-it’s the truth, and it’s a truth that honors our highest work, as women and as men.
This idea of Sterility Culture can be applied to much more than just our attitudes about human fertility. It can be seen in agriculture-the pushing against nature with herbicides and pesticides and mono-cropping and the stripping of top soil. It can be seen in healthcare, where there is a vaccination for everything and antibiotics are overprescribed and where gloves must be worn when touching even a healthy individual. It can be seen in the death industry, where bodies are pumped full of chemicals in the embalming process and where natural burials are criminalized in many places. It can be seen in our general relationship with touch and contact-the incessant need to wipe down every surface. Children aren’t born scared to touch earthworms and dirt, those children are taught that those things. This brings us full circle back to agriculture. We are raising kids who don’t like to touch dirt who eat food from factory farms and don’t know what grapes grow on vines or what it looks like to slaughter a chicken. They are therefore unhealthy, scared of death, and disconnected from the fertile ground they should be connecting with in order to protect and nourish their own fertility and creative drives.
To embrace fertility in this day and age means we have to avenge it, as it is has been torn from our grip, and this means we may need to take extreme measures. Be bold in your living embrace of your own fertile ground. Show your children what the priorities should truly be by living it. The violence we wage can be the subtle, quiet violence of disturbing society by mothering proudly and with capability. It can be making our children and our capacity for them our first priority. Our female violence can be the violence of ferocious love. It can be making that basket instead of driving to happy hour. It can be taking the time to cook a feast when time says it only will allow for a granola bar. It can be listening to the 10 minute version of the song rather than the radio version. It can be writing luxuriously long paragraphs instead of twitter quips. It can be lighting the taper in the candlestick instead of turning on the overhead light.
It can also be firing our woman-hating OB who thinks women aren’t meant to give birth. It can be reading the Washington Post and scoffing and looking at the he/hims who think abortion is the epitome of healthcare and identifying the evil that lays in wait. It can be choosing to be more conscious about messages, more critical of information, more interested in the things that impact us.
Remember that beauty is born of creativity and sterility hates beauty. Women are made to protect humanity from uniform utilitarianism and plainness. To vindicate our purpose and meaning means to vindicate our female bodies, and to wage this war is to wage a battle in the name of priority shifting in favor of alignment with physiology. Women must be allowed to be women, and society must remember where it came from-women.
Where do you see sterility culture playing out in society? Should I expand on this topic on a larger scale? Did you read the WashPo article? What experiences do you have with birth control? Do you also hate watch Dr. Fran videos?
Thank you for this. You articulated so much of what I think and believe and feel, deep in my heart, especially since becoming a mother. I wrote my own piece on that WaPo article, reflecting on the fact that I was put on the pill at 15 (passive voice intended) and the ramifications it had, but you go so much further in your vision of a society that honors and centers fertility.
"We are meant for this in a way that is very basic, of course. We are meant for this as a matter of fact and a matter of survival." I recently read an interview with an author who wrote a book about the growing number of women choosing not to have children, and she said that wanting to have children was nothing more than a social construct. I'm absolutely astounded at the amount of biological denialism that is currently sweeping through feminism like wildfire, burning all rational thought in its wake. It's ironic, because for so long these same feminists accused religious institutions of holding the body and sexuality in contempt, and maybe they weren't entirely wrong, but today they are the ones speaking as if we are purely spiritual and technological beings, and not mammals with a much larger brain. If we had no survival instinct whatsoever, and that includes the steadfast, unshakable desire to reproduce like any other species, we would have been extinct long ago. Pretending this isn't real is a one-way road to nihilism, and is only possible because we're being drugged, distracted and overworked into a stupor.
“Every discussion about centering mothers and babies seems to begin and end with ‘but not all women want to be mothers and not all women can become mothers and also we need free universal childcare and men need to take on more childcare responsibilities and also there’s too much pressure to breastfeed and maternal mental health and children are too expensive to raise’… it just goes on and on and on.” — this piece was full of gold but this part stands out to me. It seems our culture has a real ambivalence about motherhood. It’s both everything you said above, and *also* “when we want to have a baby we better have it IMMEDIATELY” (as you touched on). It’s just… so gross.
One thing I’ve been thinking about is that it seems mothers are the only group we cannot celebrate. Those posts that go around on Mother’s Day every year that are like “Happy Mother’s Day to literally everyone except the average, regular mother” drive me crazy. And we all know that sharing anything positive related to motherhood is generally not acceptable — it means you’re mom-shaming and you think you’re better than everyone. OR you’re implying that women without kids are doomed to live sad, meaningless lives🤦🏽♀️
If fertility were central in our culture—and not in a way that takes advantage of women as maybe has been the case in times past—maybe mothers wouldn’t be such a low-status group, and maybe then their work would be valued, and maybe then maybe everything would stop falling apart.