Yes, yes, yes. My husband is 16 months sober from a porn addiction that was ruining all of us. He was sexually anorexic, so, even though he had access to a size 4, Ivy MBA girlfriend/wife, he didn't want that. He wanted the screens, all day every day. The "if you just put out more, he wouldn't need porn" is simply not how it works. Porn is *different* than being with a real person. That, in many ways, is the whole point. Always accessible, completely anonymous, with infinite variety - no real person can be that. He's in his 50s, so it started with magazines at 10 or 11. By the end, it was his iPad. And the whole "harmless indulgence" argument? A21 and the International Justice Mission would like a word. Porn is *intended* to be addictive. Normalizing it as "every guy does it" not only echos the rationale of every addict out there, it ignores the agony it causes to family members and to the addict himself. My 16 year old daughter hasn't spoken to her dad in over a year. "Those girls in the videos are around my age", she said to me not long ago. It's not harmless, it's not cute, it's not because we need to quit bitching and spread our legs. It's a scourge - by design - and it is destroying people.
It absolutely is the opposite of harmless, which your entire comment illustrates. I am sorry for this experience you have had with him, and especially for the piece involving your daughter. I hear similar stories again and again and for a seemingly intelligent woman to essentially go to bat for porn by calling it a mere “bad habit” and having so many men cheering “yes!” just really was motivation to write this. Addicts love to be affirmed in their addictions, after all. I also fully agree that it is a scourge and by design—anyone who has every witnessed it’s effects or seen what is being offered to it’s audience should know this.
Where I live, there are PSAs on buses and billboards about the harm gambling addiction and how to get help. I have never, ever seen one about porn. These ideas about "it's harmless fun" and "every guy does it" still have so much traction.
I hate for your sake that you have to state your own objective appeal (physically and otherwise) as part of this comment. It underscores the toxicity around this issue: there is still so much the assumption that porn addiction is about men not being sexually satisfied, wives not being attractive enough, available enough, etc. It’s not about women not being good enough - it’s about an industry that seeks to exploit and addict. Essays about how we’re schoolmarms who “hate male sexuality” are just another attempt to make this about women’s insufficiency.
I am so sorry for what you have and are experiencing.
Thank you. I *don't* hate male sexuality. That, weirdly, was part of the problem. Sex with an actual woman who might have actual emotions and actual desires was far too intimidating for my husband. The screens required nothing from him, physically or emotionally. And the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered was *all* about tearing me down to rationalize what he was doing and to shut me up about the obvious problems in our marriage. My insufficiency was a feature, not a bug. It didn't cause him to become an addict, it was his justification for what he was doing.
This is the problem so many don’t seem willing to recognize. It’s a choice of taking the easy way out and in doing so, it is a choice to dehumanize oneself while willingly hurting one’s partner.
If there’s still so much assumption about why men are addicted to porn as you say, why don’t you ask them why they do it? You complain that people are assuming then proceed to explain why men are doing it (well, only to the extent that it’s not about women). What’s the opposite of mansplaining again? Felaborating?
I have spent hours and hours talking to my porn addict husband about this question, so please don't assume I haven't asked. And I have read over and over again in other sources that, despite what he's told me about childhood trauma and chronic fear, the *real* problem was me - I wasn't available enough, I was too demanding, I was too emasculating, too fat, too preoccupied with our daughter, etc., etc., etc. One common thread out there is that if a husband doesn't get sex at least every 72 hours, then of *course* he'll go elsewhere.
That makes sense and it sounds like you’ve approached this the right way by talking to him and asking about it. I wasn’t making statements about you; I don’t think your comment was posted yet when I write mine.
It was dystopian housewife above who made the comment about people assuming and that’s who I was directing my question to.
People assume that because that's what we're told. I can speak only to more conservative Christian writing on it, but male writers in that space constantly blame women for men's sexual acting out (that's where the "72 hour" rule comes from). Google people like Mark Driscoll and Steven Arterburn to find out what's out there. Wives need to be "merciful vials of methadone" for their husbands, because otherwise they'll turn to porn. They can't help it. Needless to say, this kind of thinking is poison for wives *and* husbands. But it's out there, and in certain circles very, very common.
As a Christian mom and wife, i am so glad there are increasingly women's voices pushing back against ppl like Driscoll. My mother is elderly now (well, in her 70s) and has said to me that all PIV is rape. She was born raised, married and 30 years of marriage in the Evangelical church. My husband and I have converted to Orthodox Christianity. The Desert Fathers and Early Church Fathers would like a word about the aescetic struggle vs the "72 hour rule".
I think the defending of using women’s bodies for lustful purposes is hysterical. It assumes there is a lower class of women as whore who deserve to be used in this way. It also assumes that men do not have the ability to practice self-discipline and to turn away from sexual passions or temptation.
Browsing through the comments on that other article is really depressing and discouraging. Do we (men in general) really have such a pathetic image of ourselves? The author used the word "solipsistic" which I think summarizes a lot of these conversations. If we are judging our actions and motivations only from a self-interested perspective, we completely lose any moral grounding. That is one reason why Catholic moral teaching is so interested in the objective nature of acts and choices.
Ex: At the objective level, sexual gratification outside of an open-to-life marital act is wrong. The act itself is ordered towards the unity of spouses and the raising of new life: it is objectively GOOD. Any act that distorts or perverts that good act is thus wrong. Anyone who disagrees is faced with presenting an alternative to this system, which usually amounts to a weak system based either consent or satisfaction.
When it comes to "hysterics," I think there is room for conversation. What is the proper reaction to the betrayal of porn? I do think there are occasions where emotion can totally overrule reason (that goes both ways). Yet, a person betrayed really should have an emotional response. At what point does someone's emotional response become unfair or unwarranted? Keeping in mind that a man's acting out is a disordered reaction to his emotions and a weakness of his will, just as much as a "hysterical" woman's might be (though not perhaps on the same level).
The way out, I think, should not be to detonate relationships, but for couples to take seriously their struggles and work as a team to overcome them. That is no easy task, but then nothing worth doing is.
It is funny you ended this comment with the fact that things worth doing are rarely easy, because that truly was the sentiment behind this entire essay! We ALL should work to push back against the things in life which are the easier route-because they are all easier due to their lack of value. I appreciate the Catholic interested in the objective state of things, and think it is a really effective way of perceiving the world.
I also appreciate your point as to “hysterics”—I suppose because the term is almost exclusively used for women, it is one that is a bit loaded, but I agree with the idea that when one is betrayed, the reaction should be an emotional one. This just simply shows our humanity, and should be treated with regard and met with a desire to understand. And yes, that goes both ways!
Porn is not, in our age, healthy men and women doing things that ought to be kept private, but aren’t. (I don’t defend that, but it’s irrelevant.) But that is very far from what goes on which is actual women becoming fecally incontinent copying these things. They aren’t replaced, they are coerced into allowing themselves to be strangled and the like to copy ideas that come from this industry. No one is born with a need to strangle women; it is implanted from the outside. The fact that these images can contain humans who were trafficked (is there any oversight that they aren’t?) and that disturbing evil (like the grooming gangs in the UK) seem to get their ideas from these images means that absolutely none of this is good, clean fun. Addressing opposition to porn as opposition to male sexuality is a huge lie. Porn hurts women and it hurts men in tangible direct ways. Its existence is harmful. Arguing otherwise is outright falsehood.
Thank you. I feel the same about the idea that opposition to porn is just a completely different thing than being opposed to male sexuality? Like they are somehow the same thing? If that is how people perceive things, that is quite disheartening. And you’re right, whoever is consuming it, male or female, is consuming a product that exists due to the commodification of human beings, often trafficked, sometimes underage. Also, your point as to how it impacts the tastes of its consumers is very relevant, and another reason why it is impossible not to consider this industry in a moral way.
It is exactly that. And Dee recognizes that in her essay, but then insinuates that women don’t care about it and that women who are opposed to male use of porn will be bad mothers. Which I just cannot wrap my mind around.
I’m glad to see you speak out about this! IMO that other essayist is directly contributing to the breakdown of marriages by being the woman online who’s as intellectually agreeable to unbridled male sexual indulgence as the porn actresses are physically agreeable. All weak men with bad consciences want is for some woman to excuse their behavior so they can write off their wives’ sadness and anger with “Hot internet girl (hotter than you) is on my side. Why can’t you be more like her?” Gah, grifters make me mad, but there’s always a grift to be made from affirming people's bad decisions and searing their consciences.
Jokes aside, yes—this is why I posed this rebuttal as a response not just to her but to her audience, as truly the comments on her essay sparked most of these thoughts. Being pleased with validation of poor behavior is a very low aspect of human nature, and one we should seek to recognize and actively reject as a matter of self respect and regard for others, especially those we love!
Okay. Did my sitting and thinking about the two pieces and I just want to add the following mile long comment (sorry, Emily!):
1) I do think it's possible to have a neutral conversation about male and female sexuality and pornography use in terms of religious ethics. I'm not sure sexuality can ever be removed from discussion within the context of a biologically-founded morality, though, since sexuality (as the root expression of all matured life) is inherently relational and cannot be stripped from that context for any robust examination. It's possible to examine bits and pieces of it removed from relationality, sure, but the conversation can only go so far without the broader context.
2) The conclusion that because men are born with significantly higher levels of testosterone than women men innately have a sex drive that very few women can ever adequately service from their own desire is a conclusion based on a complete misinterpretation of a single fact. The misinterpretation stems from the assumption that testosterone is a sex hormone and therefore has to do solely with having sex...when in reality it has to do with growth, strength, mental focus, and capacity for intense and sustained physical labor (which the majority of women will have neither the desire nor the capacity to perform).
So the notion that men need to consume porn or be perpetually serviced COMPLETELY ignores the reality that primary fundamental needs within the male body are not only ignored but actively frustrated by the structure of modern industrialized—and now digitized—society, creating, in essence, a physiological hunger into which the possession of pornography via endless digital interface can slip almost seamlessly. Exploitative sexuality relies on societal misrepresentation of such facts, regardless of the contexts through which the exploitation and misrepresentation is expressed.
3) A nuanced definition of addiction also includes non-beneficial/destructive behavior which CANNOT BE STOPPED AT WILL. While I agree that it's possible for a man to consume a significant amount of porn without the effects being dramatically noticeable to the general public, I don't agree that perceptible damage is required before an addiction is named as such. The desire to stop coupled with the inability to stop is an adequate measure for any addiction, substance or otherwise.
Your point 2) is incomplete (at best). Yes testosterone has to do with all the things you listed. It also has to do with sex. And novelty seeking. And thrill seeking. And risk taking. You just conveniently left out the things it has to do with (amongst others) which are the most relevant to this subject. To know this is true, think about what do doctors prescribe to women who suffer from extremely low sex drives? Testosterone! And from what I hear the results are fantastic.
I re-read my comment and see that I wasn’t clear! I should have phrased it to read that testosterone is ALSO for much more than having sex. I think the fact that testosterone levels significantly contributes to sex drive is so well known that it is typically assumed to be the only purpose for the hormone in the male body (hence the reinforcement of the idea that men and women are chronically and irrevocably sexually mismatched).
Correct, it is not only for sex. But when it comes to sex it is THE driver. To expand on my example above, even men who have low sex drives are prescribed T and everything comes right back.
You’re trying to force the argument that men’s and women’s sex drives aren’t biologically different; and I think that’s a tough argument to make as everyone knows better even from personal experience without getting into the biology of it. I can see why it would be preferable if our sex drives were the same; I think men would love that idea much more than women actually. But we have to deal in reality.
I am in no way seeking to imply men and women have identical sex drives, hormone profiles, or biological expression. But I do not believe the popular notion that men and women are inherently mismatched or incompatible in sexuality. Inherent incompatibility is an easy reason to pinpoint for why so many men and women are sexually frustrated, but I don’t think it’s the correct reason at all, and I also think that assumption gets in the way of creating healthy and fulfilling sexual partnerships.
YES - This is cited in the book The Boy Crisis, which I so much appreciate. This is an interpersonal and social crisis, damaging on so many levels. Thankful people are realizing the ripple effects, outside of religious contexts.
I will have to read this Haley! Also I just now saw that you have another compendium published on porn use—is it okay if I edit this and add a link to that?
Sure thing!! It does include Christian sources, which I’m not ashamed of but cards on the table I think including them is important.
But regardless of religious or faith practices, I think there’s enough in there to understand the crisis, see it for what it is, and/or seek help and wholeness. This is something I’m happy to see other people speaking against from different viewpoints. <3
Definitely going to check out this book , thank you! I grew up as a Christian but have a different spirituality now-yet I have very high regard for sources that utilize the age old wisdom of biblical passages (as long as they are accurately translated!). I find the Bible to be incredibly beautiful and helpful, with many important insights about life and living and would never turn my nose up at a resource with biblical basis. 💜
You can tell that the article is just mindless addiction defense because of the way it is all over the map. Porn isn't addiction if you can keep a job? But women are too solipsistic to think about How porn impacts men? We will be bad mothers because we care about porn? Only an addiction whose only measure of truth is validation could find this coherent.
While I don't disagree with your characterization of porn, I think you're mistaking a symptom for a disease that has impacted both sexes equally in different ways. The Sexual Revolution and everything that came with it - things you mentioned like birth control and things I don't recall you mentioning like no-fault divorce, the two-income household, but most importantly the total abrogation of the sacred component of sex, courtship and marriage - was a full nuclear exchange. We live in the apocalyptic wasteland of its aftermath.
A few of us still cling to the old ways: traditional marriage, monogamy, relationships as a partnership between two equal but different halves each with their own domains and authorities. But we are like survivalists trying to scrape a living out of a few inches of dirt in some remote place mostly untouched by the radioactive fallout.
The things you experienced as a child were not "normal" by any historic standard. Alone, 14, unsupervised, surrounded by older young men, drugs and alcohol - that *is* the radioactive wasteland. That there were still a few scraggly weeds and rodents scurrying about was not a sign of vitality.
What you're seeing now with young people declining to participate in "dating" at all (itself a euphemism for what would have been called a deviant lifestyle a century ago), preferring parasocial relationships and consuming/producing/participating in porn, is just the result of 30 further years of decay and death. They're choosing to stay in the bunkers eating half-rotted canned slop because they know or at least suspect there's nothing better out there for them. Listen to them when they tell you this.
Also, note that the vast majority of porn consumed by young people is now being produced freelance, not by the porn industry. *Millions* of young women and a somewhat smaller number of young men are doing this, to themselves, with no prompting or coercion beyond the hopelessness outside their bedroom doors. Yes, there are cynics facilitating this, but they are "just" collecting rents providing a polished service that does what was already being done independently by tech savvy solo pornographers a few years earlier. Point being the demand _preexisted_ the supply. You can try to treat that symptom, and more power to you, but it won't cure the disease.
I similarly don’t disagree that the other factors you listed here are relevant, but I was simply focusing on this one for this essay. I have discussed some of those other things at length in past writing. I also would consider myself and my husband within that band of survivalists you are referencing, and so understand your meaning here. The real work now is passing on these values to our children.
I think porn is a major facet of the death culture and vitality is the opposite of what it encourages, and I believe all the homemade porn makers and OF girls are just the downstream consequences of the upstream industrial influence of corporations that have produced porn over the years for mass consumption. It’s the trickle down of the normalization of dehumanization.
What can we do to emerge from the apocalyptic wasteland other than to speak the truth about this stuff to anyone who may hear it, and to protect our children so that they may enter adulthood filled with vitality. It can be done. We're a tiny group in a sea of death, but just because we're outnumbered doesn't mean we're losing.
I really don’t think the West can start to heal unless men admit that porn is bad. Western societies were built on monogamy and not condoning exploitation and humiliation of women but respecting them. I can’t believe how so many of them don’t want to admit it. They see women as having sexual power over them, so they don’t admit that porn is exploitation. It is a real blind spot.
I agree. If men as a whole cannot admit to the fact that porn is a strike against human dignity (both male and female—but more so female), they are simply woefully lost and willfully ignorant.
Porn, and promiscuity, and sodomy, and birth control. They're all symptoms of the same sickness. Abortion too is a natural symptom of the ill.
I don't know how to make that argument to the world... they sure don't want to hear it, but unless you approach the big picture, the porn use, which is a subset of the bigger issue, doesn't really make that much sense to the porn user. "Why quit porn when modern women sell themselves like whores on dating apps?" Why indeed.
This essay is incredibly well-articulated, and I’m so glad I found your work. The way women are impacted by pornography—and by extension, the sex industry—is such an important topic that too many people overlook. The statistics are staggering: the top three porn sites receive a combined 134,491 visits per minute, most pornographic videos contain some form of aggression or violence 😳 A 2020 study even found that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women had watched porn in the past month (Solano, Eaton, & O’Leary, 2020).
I especially appreciate the pushback on the idea that porn is just a ‘natural’ part of male sexuality. That’s absolutely not the case—there’s nothing natural about pornography. It’s a product of a highly commercialized, exploitative industry that distorts human connection and fuels harmful expectations. Reading The Body Project recently reinforced for me how unprepared young women have been for the level of sexualization and exploitation in our culture—something that has only gotten worse with social media. Joan Jacobs Brumberg’s analysis of how beauty standards and self-objectification have evolved since the 90s really hit home. The way sex work is framed as ‘empowerment’ in some circles ignores the long-term harm it inflicts, and I’ve experienced that firsthand. I can’t wait to discuss this more with my friend Sloane Wilson, a survivor advocate with Exodus Cry, on my podcast later this season.
I also completely agree with your point about shame and societal stigma around porn—it’s not some outdated puritanical hang-up; it serves a real purpose. As you said, porn only became endemic because of how easily accessible it is online. The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt really drives this home with his breakdown of morality into categories like the sacred versus disgust. That feeling of disgust isn’t just arbitrary—it’s vital. It’s what helps societies protect what is sacred and recognize when something is deeply harmful. More people need to understand that.
I love your last point about the digits response. That ties in with your other point about porn not being natural. We have this disgust response precisely because it is not normal. I would wager that many men even have that same disgust response but override it with lust—that’s why the idea of “post masturbation sadness/shame” exists—they are aware that what they are consuming is wrong. The shame that is tied to innate disgust is purposeful as you mentioned here—it is protective.
I really think so much of what is wrong with current society is the result of the push to ignore that disgust response—man in a short dress and fishnets and lipstick?—not weird! Unique and beautiful! Small child asks you about that man in a dress?—that’s a woman! Etc…it’s like an instinctual injury farm.
I will have to look up the book you mentioned and will be looking for that podcast episode!
You hit this out of the park with this one. I also encourage women can speak out, to do so. I think a lot of women are still caught in shame for either their, their husband's or children's choices around porn. If they cannot speak up yet, it must be doubly important for those who are not currently weighed down. You probably have been and will be knocked down by the many ways porn is destroying our humanity both as individuals and as institutions. Keep writing about this. We need to change the current on this one. It is destroying our young sisters and brothers.
Thank you Stephanie. It’s a topic I feel is fairly fraught and some of the responses I am getting is proving as much. It’s not pleasant to discuss and some have accused me of just producing “rage bait” but I don’t take the time to write about things that I don’t sincerely find either infinitely beautiful and interesting OR infinitely troubling and in need of a critical analysis. Thank you for reading.
I read the post you're responding to, and am going to sit with her piece and your rebuttal for a bit.
I know more than a few women whose husbands/partners regularly consume or consumed porn, and I can't say I saw the experiences and perspectives of those women represented among the perspectives Aly was addressing in her essay. I also haven't interacted with women who express the behaviors and mentalities she is naming. (I have seen far more instances of women defending male porn consumption, even addiction, as the necessary fulfilment of uncontrollable need, and blaming their postpartum bodies or age as the valid reason why their men were seeking routine fulfillment in pornography.)
All to say I think she's brushing up against some real dynamics in popular thinking, but I would love to see more examples of the statements and perspectives she is referencing. I'm particularly curious about the statement that women generally don't care about or acknowledge how the brains of young boys are being hijacked by digitally distributed pornography. Maybe I simply happen to move in more porn-aware circles, but the preservation of boys and their innocence through adult caretaking and connection has been a part of the collective conversation for as long as I can recall.
(As an aside, have you read any Esther Perel's book The State of Affairs or Jack Morin's book The Erotic Mind? Reading Aly's post and yours, I'm struck again by how much insight I feel Perel and Morin give into the specific brain pathways and relational patterns influenced by and hijacked by pornography usage and addiction, even though they are not writing about porn at all.)
I felt the same way in reading the essay, which is why I felt compelled to refute it—I do not see women speaking this way at all. I, like you, may just be privy to more porn-aware and conscious parenting sort of circles where these discussions in reference to the impact of porn on children’s especially boys, is a pretty common topic. That was particularly confusing to me, which isn’t to say those conversations don’t exist but I just don’t think they do in the way she was suggesting.
I also see porn addiction constantly being defended by both men and women. Should I ever indulge in reading posts on the local Facebook mom’s groups, there inevitably is a post where a woman is describing quite worrying behavior surrounding porn with her husband and most of the comments inevitably say she is being unrealistic, crazy, etc. It is quite disheartening to see.
I have not read those books but I will be adding them to my list! Thank you!
In re-reading I realized that in the very beginning of the piece she named that she was addressing young women on Twitter/X and then later on shifted to referencing women in general through the same lens. I've never had a Twitter/X account, so I have no idea what conversations are being had there. Most of my conversations around these topics happen in person and within clinical settings; I imagine that jumping into what's posted on reddit or X would bring a very different experience.
Also, I will say that I grew up traversing social circles where I witnessed both religious and nonreligious men calling out pornography as repugnant and corrosive. So my cumulative understanding of porn usage didn't begin with the perspectives or framing of women. It came from witnessing men call it out in other men, and actively seek accountability around resolving experiences of addiction.
This is interesting because my initial reaction to “what can we do about porn addiction” is that the solution has to come from men themselves discussing this with other men.
I'm a new subscriber. In general I find your writing is nourishing, but this piece, although I don't disagree with you, is an intelligent and eloquent response to clickbait. The world is full of super rude people who think horrendous things and we can spend outer entire lives being outraged about it. I think the Internet coopted your attention, and sucked you into thinking about people who in real life wouldn't get a second glance. I don't understand why you're spending time thinking about them.
I appreciate this, thank you. I suppose the thoughts the original essay provoked felt important and worth sharing to me, but I see your meaning and I do truly appreciate it!
Porn is a societal evil because it is a dehumanizing force. It plays on the natural instincts of men (who, unlike women are very easily visually stimulated into an arousal state) because it is so insidious that it can capture a boy/man before they realize it. Societies claim that men "need" sex to live their lives, so we look the other way because "these women are getting paid" to perform.
It harms men as sensitizes them to levels of feelings which are not actually attainable in real life, and it harms women for many of same reasons that "gestational carriers" in surrogacy are harmed. Disassociating from your body is a necessary step to performing porn and performing pregnancy for a baby that isn't "yours" (even though you will carry those fetal cells forever).
Porn is also no basis for any sort of mutually satisfying long term relationship. Any relationship built entirely around sex is doomed to failure at some point because we all get older, circumstances change and for most of us, other priorities intercede. It also is devoid of any positive emotional content or intimacy.
As an escalating addiction, there appears to be no endpoint in sight. Back in the 1960s Playboy magazine manage to titillate by just photographing women's breasts; now, videos of women being raped and literally killed are not unusual.
Of special concern to me is the downwardly trending ages of children watching this crap. Because the younger the brains, the more "mis-wiring" is happening. Watching porn from a young age is a recipe for disaster.
Yes, the double insult of the age of exposure getting lower while the content gets more extreme is the cross section where ultimate destruction lies.
I also appreciate your comparison between surrogacy and porn, the idea of “performing pregnancy” is genius, as while the surrogate is quite literally pregnant, she is emotionally performing a role which requires her to be a perfect vessel whilst simultaneously being a detached shell of a human.
Yes, yes, yes. My husband is 16 months sober from a porn addiction that was ruining all of us. He was sexually anorexic, so, even though he had access to a size 4, Ivy MBA girlfriend/wife, he didn't want that. He wanted the screens, all day every day. The "if you just put out more, he wouldn't need porn" is simply not how it works. Porn is *different* than being with a real person. That, in many ways, is the whole point. Always accessible, completely anonymous, with infinite variety - no real person can be that. He's in his 50s, so it started with magazines at 10 or 11. By the end, it was his iPad. And the whole "harmless indulgence" argument? A21 and the International Justice Mission would like a word. Porn is *intended* to be addictive. Normalizing it as "every guy does it" not only echos the rationale of every addict out there, it ignores the agony it causes to family members and to the addict himself. My 16 year old daughter hasn't spoken to her dad in over a year. "Those girls in the videos are around my age", she said to me not long ago. It's not harmless, it's not cute, it's not because we need to quit bitching and spread our legs. It's a scourge - by design - and it is destroying people.
It absolutely is the opposite of harmless, which your entire comment illustrates. I am sorry for this experience you have had with him, and especially for the piece involving your daughter. I hear similar stories again and again and for a seemingly intelligent woman to essentially go to bat for porn by calling it a mere “bad habit” and having so many men cheering “yes!” just really was motivation to write this. Addicts love to be affirmed in their addictions, after all. I also fully agree that it is a scourge and by design—anyone who has every witnessed it’s effects or seen what is being offered to it’s audience should know this.
Where I live, there are PSAs on buses and billboards about the harm gambling addiction and how to get help. I have never, ever seen one about porn. These ideas about "it's harmless fun" and "every guy does it" still have so much traction.
I hate for your sake that you have to state your own objective appeal (physically and otherwise) as part of this comment. It underscores the toxicity around this issue: there is still so much the assumption that porn addiction is about men not being sexually satisfied, wives not being attractive enough, available enough, etc. It’s not about women not being good enough - it’s about an industry that seeks to exploit and addict. Essays about how we’re schoolmarms who “hate male sexuality” are just another attempt to make this about women’s insufficiency.
I am so sorry for what you have and are experiencing.
Thank you. I *don't* hate male sexuality. That, weirdly, was part of the problem. Sex with an actual woman who might have actual emotions and actual desires was far too intimidating for my husband. The screens required nothing from him, physically or emotionally. And the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered was *all* about tearing me down to rationalize what he was doing and to shut me up about the obvious problems in our marriage. My insufficiency was a feature, not a bug. It didn't cause him to become an addict, it was his justification for what he was doing.
This is the problem so many don’t seem willing to recognize. It’s a choice of taking the easy way out and in doing so, it is a choice to dehumanize oneself while willingly hurting one’s partner.
If there’s still so much assumption about why men are addicted to porn as you say, why don’t you ask them why they do it? You complain that people are assuming then proceed to explain why men are doing it (well, only to the extent that it’s not about women). What’s the opposite of mansplaining again? Felaborating?
I have spent hours and hours talking to my porn addict husband about this question, so please don't assume I haven't asked. And I have read over and over again in other sources that, despite what he's told me about childhood trauma and chronic fear, the *real* problem was me - I wasn't available enough, I was too demanding, I was too emasculating, too fat, too preoccupied with our daughter, etc., etc., etc. One common thread out there is that if a husband doesn't get sex at least every 72 hours, then of *course* he'll go elsewhere.
That makes sense and it sounds like you’ve approached this the right way by talking to him and asking about it. I wasn’t making statements about you; I don’t think your comment was posted yet when I write mine.
It was dystopian housewife above who made the comment about people assuming and that’s who I was directing my question to.
People assume that because that's what we're told. I can speak only to more conservative Christian writing on it, but male writers in that space constantly blame women for men's sexual acting out (that's where the "72 hour" rule comes from). Google people like Mark Driscoll and Steven Arterburn to find out what's out there. Wives need to be "merciful vials of methadone" for their husbands, because otherwise they'll turn to porn. They can't help it. Needless to say, this kind of thinking is poison for wives *and* husbands. But it's out there, and in certain circles very, very common.
As a Christian mom and wife, i am so glad there are increasingly women's voices pushing back against ppl like Driscoll. My mother is elderly now (well, in her 70s) and has said to me that all PIV is rape. She was born raised, married and 30 years of marriage in the Evangelical church. My husband and I have converted to Orthodox Christianity. The Desert Fathers and Early Church Fathers would like a word about the aescetic struggle vs the "72 hour rule".
That’s why i say asking one’s partner and discussing this subject is the way, and not assuming.
I think the defending of using women’s bodies for lustful purposes is hysterical. It assumes there is a lower class of women as whore who deserve to be used in this way. It also assumes that men do not have the ability to practice self-discipline and to turn away from sexual passions or temptation.
I agree. Which is why the author’s use of the idea that brothels are outlawed and so the only next natural step is porn is especially disappointing.
Yes, the porn debate is always framed as if controlling your sexual temptations is an oppression against mankind.
Much like any discussion which attempts to claim natural limits are oppressive! (Trans ideology, surrogacy, etc)
Yes-and it belies a view of women as a resource to be utilized instead of the font of human life , Sacred
Browsing through the comments on that other article is really depressing and discouraging. Do we (men in general) really have such a pathetic image of ourselves? The author used the word "solipsistic" which I think summarizes a lot of these conversations. If we are judging our actions and motivations only from a self-interested perspective, we completely lose any moral grounding. That is one reason why Catholic moral teaching is so interested in the objective nature of acts and choices.
Ex: At the objective level, sexual gratification outside of an open-to-life marital act is wrong. The act itself is ordered towards the unity of spouses and the raising of new life: it is objectively GOOD. Any act that distorts or perverts that good act is thus wrong. Anyone who disagrees is faced with presenting an alternative to this system, which usually amounts to a weak system based either consent or satisfaction.
When it comes to "hysterics," I think there is room for conversation. What is the proper reaction to the betrayal of porn? I do think there are occasions where emotion can totally overrule reason (that goes both ways). Yet, a person betrayed really should have an emotional response. At what point does someone's emotional response become unfair or unwarranted? Keeping in mind that a man's acting out is a disordered reaction to his emotions and a weakness of his will, just as much as a "hysterical" woman's might be (though not perhaps on the same level).
The way out, I think, should not be to detonate relationships, but for couples to take seriously their struggles and work as a team to overcome them. That is no easy task, but then nothing worth doing is.
It is funny you ended this comment with the fact that things worth doing are rarely easy, because that truly was the sentiment behind this entire essay! We ALL should work to push back against the things in life which are the easier route-because they are all easier due to their lack of value. I appreciate the Catholic interested in the objective state of things, and think it is a really effective way of perceiving the world.
I also appreciate your point as to “hysterics”—I suppose because the term is almost exclusively used for women, it is one that is a bit loaded, but I agree with the idea that when one is betrayed, the reaction should be an emotional one. This just simply shows our humanity, and should be treated with regard and met with a desire to understand. And yes, that goes both ways!
Porn is not, in our age, healthy men and women doing things that ought to be kept private, but aren’t. (I don’t defend that, but it’s irrelevant.) But that is very far from what goes on which is actual women becoming fecally incontinent copying these things. They aren’t replaced, they are coerced into allowing themselves to be strangled and the like to copy ideas that come from this industry. No one is born with a need to strangle women; it is implanted from the outside. The fact that these images can contain humans who were trafficked (is there any oversight that they aren’t?) and that disturbing evil (like the grooming gangs in the UK) seem to get their ideas from these images means that absolutely none of this is good, clean fun. Addressing opposition to porn as opposition to male sexuality is a huge lie. Porn hurts women and it hurts men in tangible direct ways. Its existence is harmful. Arguing otherwise is outright falsehood.
Thank you. I feel the same about the idea that opposition to porn is just a completely different thing than being opposed to male sexuality? Like they are somehow the same thing? If that is how people perceive things, that is quite disheartening. And you’re right, whoever is consuming it, male or female, is consuming a product that exists due to the commodification of human beings, often trafficked, sometimes underage. Also, your point as to how it impacts the tastes of its consumers is very relevant, and another reason why it is impossible not to consider this industry in a moral way.
And the first comment here about starting viewing porn at age ten or eleven. How is that not the abuse of young boys?
It is exactly that. And Dee recognizes that in her essay, but then insinuates that women don’t care about it and that women who are opposed to male use of porn will be bad mothers. Which I just cannot wrap my mind around.
I’m glad to see you speak out about this! IMO that other essayist is directly contributing to the breakdown of marriages by being the woman online who’s as intellectually agreeable to unbridled male sexual indulgence as the porn actresses are physically agreeable. All weak men with bad consciences want is for some woman to excuse their behavior so they can write off their wives’ sadness and anger with “Hot internet girl (hotter than you) is on my side. Why can’t you be more like her?” Gah, grifters make me mad, but there’s always a grift to be made from affirming people's bad decisions and searing their consciences.
Grifters gonna grift!
Jokes aside, yes—this is why I posed this rebuttal as a response not just to her but to her audience, as truly the comments on her essay sparked most of these thoughts. Being pleased with validation of poor behavior is a very low aspect of human nature, and one we should seek to recognize and actively reject as a matter of self respect and regard for others, especially those we love!
Why do you assume wives are sad and angry? Seems very presumptuous.
Okay. Did my sitting and thinking about the two pieces and I just want to add the following mile long comment (sorry, Emily!):
1) I do think it's possible to have a neutral conversation about male and female sexuality and pornography use in terms of religious ethics. I'm not sure sexuality can ever be removed from discussion within the context of a biologically-founded morality, though, since sexuality (as the root expression of all matured life) is inherently relational and cannot be stripped from that context for any robust examination. It's possible to examine bits and pieces of it removed from relationality, sure, but the conversation can only go so far without the broader context.
2) The conclusion that because men are born with significantly higher levels of testosterone than women men innately have a sex drive that very few women can ever adequately service from their own desire is a conclusion based on a complete misinterpretation of a single fact. The misinterpretation stems from the assumption that testosterone is a sex hormone and therefore has to do solely with having sex...when in reality it has to do with growth, strength, mental focus, and capacity for intense and sustained physical labor (which the majority of women will have neither the desire nor the capacity to perform).
So the notion that men need to consume porn or be perpetually serviced COMPLETELY ignores the reality that primary fundamental needs within the male body are not only ignored but actively frustrated by the structure of modern industrialized—and now digitized—society, creating, in essence, a physiological hunger into which the possession of pornography via endless digital interface can slip almost seamlessly. Exploitative sexuality relies on societal misrepresentation of such facts, regardless of the contexts through which the exploitation and misrepresentation is expressed.
3) A nuanced definition of addiction also includes non-beneficial/destructive behavior which CANNOT BE STOPPED AT WILL. While I agree that it's possible for a man to consume a significant amount of porn without the effects being dramatically noticeable to the general public, I don't agree that perceptible damage is required before an addiction is named as such. The desire to stop coupled with the inability to stop is an adequate measure for any addiction, substance or otherwise.
Your point 2) is incomplete (at best). Yes testosterone has to do with all the things you listed. It also has to do with sex. And novelty seeking. And thrill seeking. And risk taking. You just conveniently left out the things it has to do with (amongst others) which are the most relevant to this subject. To know this is true, think about what do doctors prescribe to women who suffer from extremely low sex drives? Testosterone! And from what I hear the results are fantastic.
I re-read my comment and see that I wasn’t clear! I should have phrased it to read that testosterone is ALSO for much more than having sex. I think the fact that testosterone levels significantly contributes to sex drive is so well known that it is typically assumed to be the only purpose for the hormone in the male body (hence the reinforcement of the idea that men and women are chronically and irrevocably sexually mismatched).
Correct, it is not only for sex. But when it comes to sex it is THE driver. To expand on my example above, even men who have low sex drives are prescribed T and everything comes right back.
You’re trying to force the argument that men’s and women’s sex drives aren’t biologically different; and I think that’s a tough argument to make as everyone knows better even from personal experience without getting into the biology of it. I can see why it would be preferable if our sex drives were the same; I think men would love that idea much more than women actually. But we have to deal in reality.
I am in no way seeking to imply men and women have identical sex drives, hormone profiles, or biological expression. But I do not believe the popular notion that men and women are inherently mismatched or incompatible in sexuality. Inherent incompatibility is an easy reason to pinpoint for why so many men and women are sexually frustrated, but I don’t think it’s the correct reason at all, and I also think that assumption gets in the way of creating healthy and fulfilling sexual partnerships.
So if they’re not identical, then they’re mismatched., by definition. You’re contradicting yourself.
Do you view complementary systems as inherently mismatched?
“Interpersonal problems, self isolation, social withdrawal”—hmm, when we tell about how young men are falling apart, do we ever think about this?
I certainly do, especially as a mother of a son.
YES - This is cited in the book The Boy Crisis, which I so much appreciate. This is an interpersonal and social crisis, damaging on so many levels. Thankful people are realizing the ripple effects, outside of religious contexts.
I will have to read this Haley! Also I just now saw that you have another compendium published on porn use—is it okay if I edit this and add a link to that?
Sure thing!! It does include Christian sources, which I’m not ashamed of but cards on the table I think including them is important.
But regardless of religious or faith practices, I think there’s enough in there to understand the crisis, see it for what it is, and/or seek help and wholeness. This is something I’m happy to see other people speaking against from different viewpoints. <3
Thank you, and all resources are welcome here! I will add it once I’m back home with my laptop ♥️
Definitely going to check out this book , thank you! I grew up as a Christian but have a different spirituality now-yet I have very high regard for sources that utilize the age old wisdom of biblical passages (as long as they are accurately translated!). I find the Bible to be incredibly beautiful and helpful, with many important insights about life and living and would never turn my nose up at a resource with biblical basis. 💜
You can tell that the article is just mindless addiction defense because of the way it is all over the map. Porn isn't addiction if you can keep a job? But women are too solipsistic to think about How porn impacts men? We will be bad mothers because we care about porn? Only an addiction whose only measure of truth is validation could find this coherent.
As someone who has had multiple addictions, I was always able to hold a job. With some jobs, addiction was almost a necessary component.
I agree, Stan. I used to be addicted to heroin many years ago and I was working 2-3 jobs at all times while in active addiction
My thoughts exactly.
While I don't disagree with your characterization of porn, I think you're mistaking a symptom for a disease that has impacted both sexes equally in different ways. The Sexual Revolution and everything that came with it - things you mentioned like birth control and things I don't recall you mentioning like no-fault divorce, the two-income household, but most importantly the total abrogation of the sacred component of sex, courtship and marriage - was a full nuclear exchange. We live in the apocalyptic wasteland of its aftermath.
A few of us still cling to the old ways: traditional marriage, monogamy, relationships as a partnership between two equal but different halves each with their own domains and authorities. But we are like survivalists trying to scrape a living out of a few inches of dirt in some remote place mostly untouched by the radioactive fallout.
The things you experienced as a child were not "normal" by any historic standard. Alone, 14, unsupervised, surrounded by older young men, drugs and alcohol - that *is* the radioactive wasteland. That there were still a few scraggly weeds and rodents scurrying about was not a sign of vitality.
What you're seeing now with young people declining to participate in "dating" at all (itself a euphemism for what would have been called a deviant lifestyle a century ago), preferring parasocial relationships and consuming/producing/participating in porn, is just the result of 30 further years of decay and death. They're choosing to stay in the bunkers eating half-rotted canned slop because they know or at least suspect there's nothing better out there for them. Listen to them when they tell you this.
Also, note that the vast majority of porn consumed by young people is now being produced freelance, not by the porn industry. *Millions* of young women and a somewhat smaller number of young men are doing this, to themselves, with no prompting or coercion beyond the hopelessness outside their bedroom doors. Yes, there are cynics facilitating this, but they are "just" collecting rents providing a polished service that does what was already being done independently by tech savvy solo pornographers a few years earlier. Point being the demand _preexisted_ the supply. You can try to treat that symptom, and more power to you, but it won't cure the disease.
I similarly don’t disagree that the other factors you listed here are relevant, but I was simply focusing on this one for this essay. I have discussed some of those other things at length in past writing. I also would consider myself and my husband within that band of survivalists you are referencing, and so understand your meaning here. The real work now is passing on these values to our children.
I think porn is a major facet of the death culture and vitality is the opposite of what it encourages, and I believe all the homemade porn makers and OF girls are just the downstream consequences of the upstream industrial influence of corporations that have produced porn over the years for mass consumption. It’s the trickle down of the normalization of dehumanization.
What can we do to emerge from the apocalyptic wasteland other than to speak the truth about this stuff to anyone who may hear it, and to protect our children so that they may enter adulthood filled with vitality. It can be done. We're a tiny group in a sea of death, but just because we're outnumbered doesn't mean we're losing.
Some of your best writing yet! You are very skilled at making good counter arguments.
Thank you Christie, I appreciate it!
I really don’t think the West can start to heal unless men admit that porn is bad. Western societies were built on monogamy and not condoning exploitation and humiliation of women but respecting them. I can’t believe how so many of them don’t want to admit it. They see women as having sexual power over them, so they don’t admit that porn is exploitation. It is a real blind spot.
I agree. If men as a whole cannot admit to the fact that porn is a strike against human dignity (both male and female—but more so female), they are simply woefully lost and willfully ignorant.
Porn, and promiscuity, and sodomy, and birth control. They're all symptoms of the same sickness. Abortion too is a natural symptom of the ill.
I don't know how to make that argument to the world... they sure don't want to hear it, but unless you approach the big picture, the porn use, which is a subset of the bigger issue, doesn't really make that much sense to the porn user. "Why quit porn when modern women sell themselves like whores on dating apps?" Why indeed.
This essay is incredibly well-articulated, and I’m so glad I found your work. The way women are impacted by pornography—and by extension, the sex industry—is such an important topic that too many people overlook. The statistics are staggering: the top three porn sites receive a combined 134,491 visits per minute, most pornographic videos contain some form of aggression or violence 😳 A 2020 study even found that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women had watched porn in the past month (Solano, Eaton, & O’Leary, 2020).
I especially appreciate the pushback on the idea that porn is just a ‘natural’ part of male sexuality. That’s absolutely not the case—there’s nothing natural about pornography. It’s a product of a highly commercialized, exploitative industry that distorts human connection and fuels harmful expectations. Reading The Body Project recently reinforced for me how unprepared young women have been for the level of sexualization and exploitation in our culture—something that has only gotten worse with social media. Joan Jacobs Brumberg’s analysis of how beauty standards and self-objectification have evolved since the 90s really hit home. The way sex work is framed as ‘empowerment’ in some circles ignores the long-term harm it inflicts, and I’ve experienced that firsthand. I can’t wait to discuss this more with my friend Sloane Wilson, a survivor advocate with Exodus Cry, on my podcast later this season.
I also completely agree with your point about shame and societal stigma around porn—it’s not some outdated puritanical hang-up; it serves a real purpose. As you said, porn only became endemic because of how easily accessible it is online. The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt really drives this home with his breakdown of morality into categories like the sacred versus disgust. That feeling of disgust isn’t just arbitrary—it’s vital. It’s what helps societies protect what is sacred and recognize when something is deeply harmful. More people need to understand that.
I love your last point about the digits response. That ties in with your other point about porn not being natural. We have this disgust response precisely because it is not normal. I would wager that many men even have that same disgust response but override it with lust—that’s why the idea of “post masturbation sadness/shame” exists—they are aware that what they are consuming is wrong. The shame that is tied to innate disgust is purposeful as you mentioned here—it is protective.
I really think so much of what is wrong with current society is the result of the push to ignore that disgust response—man in a short dress and fishnets and lipstick?—not weird! Unique and beautiful! Small child asks you about that man in a dress?—that’s a woman! Etc…it’s like an instinctual injury farm.
I will have to look up the book you mentioned and will be looking for that podcast episode!
You hit this out of the park with this one. I also encourage women can speak out, to do so. I think a lot of women are still caught in shame for either their, their husband's or children's choices around porn. If they cannot speak up yet, it must be doubly important for those who are not currently weighed down. You probably have been and will be knocked down by the many ways porn is destroying our humanity both as individuals and as institutions. Keep writing about this. We need to change the current on this one. It is destroying our young sisters and brothers.
Thank you Stephanie. It’s a topic I feel is fairly fraught and some of the responses I am getting is proving as much. It’s not pleasant to discuss and some have accused me of just producing “rage bait” but I don’t take the time to write about things that I don’t sincerely find either infinitely beautiful and interesting OR infinitely troubling and in need of a critical analysis. Thank you for reading.
I read the post you're responding to, and am going to sit with her piece and your rebuttal for a bit.
I know more than a few women whose husbands/partners regularly consume or consumed porn, and I can't say I saw the experiences and perspectives of those women represented among the perspectives Aly was addressing in her essay. I also haven't interacted with women who express the behaviors and mentalities she is naming. (I have seen far more instances of women defending male porn consumption, even addiction, as the necessary fulfilment of uncontrollable need, and blaming their postpartum bodies or age as the valid reason why their men were seeking routine fulfillment in pornography.)
All to say I think she's brushing up against some real dynamics in popular thinking, but I would love to see more examples of the statements and perspectives she is referencing. I'm particularly curious about the statement that women generally don't care about or acknowledge how the brains of young boys are being hijacked by digitally distributed pornography. Maybe I simply happen to move in more porn-aware circles, but the preservation of boys and their innocence through adult caretaking and connection has been a part of the collective conversation for as long as I can recall.
(As an aside, have you read any Esther Perel's book The State of Affairs or Jack Morin's book The Erotic Mind? Reading Aly's post and yours, I'm struck again by how much insight I feel Perel and Morin give into the specific brain pathways and relational patterns influenced by and hijacked by pornography usage and addiction, even though they are not writing about porn at all.)
I felt the same way in reading the essay, which is why I felt compelled to refute it—I do not see women speaking this way at all. I, like you, may just be privy to more porn-aware and conscious parenting sort of circles where these discussions in reference to the impact of porn on children’s especially boys, is a pretty common topic. That was particularly confusing to me, which isn’t to say those conversations don’t exist but I just don’t think they do in the way she was suggesting.
I also see porn addiction constantly being defended by both men and women. Should I ever indulge in reading posts on the local Facebook mom’s groups, there inevitably is a post where a woman is describing quite worrying behavior surrounding porn with her husband and most of the comments inevitably say she is being unrealistic, crazy, etc. It is quite disheartening to see.
I have not read those books but I will be adding them to my list! Thank you!
In re-reading I realized that in the very beginning of the piece she named that she was addressing young women on Twitter/X and then later on shifted to referencing women in general through the same lens. I've never had a Twitter/X account, so I have no idea what conversations are being had there. Most of my conversations around these topics happen in person and within clinical settings; I imagine that jumping into what's posted on reddit or X would bring a very different experience.
Also, I will say that I grew up traversing social circles where I witnessed both religious and nonreligious men calling out pornography as repugnant and corrosive. So my cumulative understanding of porn usage didn't begin with the perspectives or framing of women. It came from witnessing men call it out in other men, and actively seek accountability around resolving experiences of addiction.
This is interesting because my initial reaction to “what can we do about porn addiction” is that the solution has to come from men themselves discussing this with other men.
I'm a new subscriber. In general I find your writing is nourishing, but this piece, although I don't disagree with you, is an intelligent and eloquent response to clickbait. The world is full of super rude people who think horrendous things and we can spend outer entire lives being outraged about it. I think the Internet coopted your attention, and sucked you into thinking about people who in real life wouldn't get a second glance. I don't understand why you're spending time thinking about them.
I appreciate this, thank you. I suppose the thoughts the original essay provoked felt important and worth sharing to me, but I see your meaning and I do truly appreciate it!
Porn is a societal evil because it is a dehumanizing force. It plays on the natural instincts of men (who, unlike women are very easily visually stimulated into an arousal state) because it is so insidious that it can capture a boy/man before they realize it. Societies claim that men "need" sex to live their lives, so we look the other way because "these women are getting paid" to perform.
It harms men as sensitizes them to levels of feelings which are not actually attainable in real life, and it harms women for many of same reasons that "gestational carriers" in surrogacy are harmed. Disassociating from your body is a necessary step to performing porn and performing pregnancy for a baby that isn't "yours" (even though you will carry those fetal cells forever).
Porn is also no basis for any sort of mutually satisfying long term relationship. Any relationship built entirely around sex is doomed to failure at some point because we all get older, circumstances change and for most of us, other priorities intercede. It also is devoid of any positive emotional content or intimacy.
As an escalating addiction, there appears to be no endpoint in sight. Back in the 1960s Playboy magazine manage to titillate by just photographing women's breasts; now, videos of women being raped and literally killed are not unusual.
Of special concern to me is the downwardly trending ages of children watching this crap. Because the younger the brains, the more "mis-wiring" is happening. Watching porn from a young age is a recipe for disaster.
Yes, the double insult of the age of exposure getting lower while the content gets more extreme is the cross section where ultimate destruction lies.
I also appreciate your comparison between surrogacy and porn, the idea of “performing pregnancy” is genius, as while the surrogate is quite literally pregnant, she is emotionally performing a role which requires her to be a perfect vessel whilst simultaneously being a detached shell of a human.